For as long as I can remember I've compared myself to others. I've been obsessed with knowing how I compare to other people. In high school I wanted to know who was prettier and was mortified if someone didn't think I was the prettiest person. This is weird for me to think about because I never really considered myself to be "that person". I think it was all part of wanting to be accepted as an equal to people who might be viewed as better than me.
As I gained weight I began doing it more and more. I would see other women that I thought were larger than me and I would think oh that person looks cute and I'm smaller than her, so I'm fine. On occasion, I would even asked my husband if I was bigger than some random lady and of course he always said no; which made me feel OK with the weight I was. Comparing myself to heavy people (who I thought were heavier than me) was an excuse for me to keep hiding my obesity. This was especially true if I believed the person I was comparing myself to looked great. If they looked great, then I must look freaking awesome!
This fear of fitting in or being "normal" continues to haunt me even as I have begun to lose weight. In many ways, this connects to my jealousy. I worry that my husband will find someone better and leave. I have no reason to feel this way, I just do.
When we started working out, it was hard for me because I would see these women with amazing bodies. My workout would then turn into an obsession about that person. I would watch them like some crazy stalker and think about how they got to that point, what they ate, if they were in a relationship, and wonder if my husband also noticed their amazing body (although, I don't know how someone could miss it). What could have been used as inspiration instead gave me an excuse not to go. I preferred gym days where I saw lots of heavy people sweating on the treadmill, just as I was doing. It gave me a sense of security. I felt proud of those people for being there and I didn't feel like I was being judged. Without saying anything, it felt like we were in this together and we knew how tough it was just to show up.
I don't know why I judge other people. I don't know why I compare myself to others. I know that fear has ruled my life and that it still does and I believe this is why I compare and judge, but I know I've got to move past it if I want to move on and really be content with myself.
