#NoMore

Honestly, I had forgotten about this blog.  It was in the back of my mind, but it wasn't something I was thinking I'd come back to.  I didn't think it mattered to anyone and it sure didn't seem to matter to me anymore.  Then, out of the blue, my sister sends me a picture of my blog with a comment asking if I was going to be adding to it again.  Sadly, the comment was from almost a year ago.  It made me realize that maybe the blog wasn't all about me.

So, last night, I sat down and wrote my welcome back blog.  As I was writing, I realized that my blog was therapeutic for me.  And, although I thought I didn't need it anymore, it felt good to write; very good!

And the ironic part is that I needed it yesterday!  I read back through my previous blogs and I can't find where I shared about some of the reasons I believe I hid behind my fat.  Mostly men and the guilt that I had when they approached me.  So, I'm going to write about it again.... sorry if you already heard these stories, but it's a big deal to me.

Men....  I don't understand how they can be so crude and yet not even realize there is a problem with what they are doing!  My father and grandpa's could never have prepared me for what men would say or do.  Nor can I ever imagine them saying those things to a woman.  Then, I married an amazing man and I can't imagine him saying anything like what I've heard men say about/to other women.  I will KILL my boys (okay, probably just disown them) if they ever talk like that.

Imagine a gangly 9 or 10 year old girl who was raised like a boy.  My father's friends (husband and wife) used to take us to church once in awhile; very nice people.  Then, one day, the man starts talking about how he wants me to pose in a swimming suit on his sports car.  I laughed it off.... I mean I was in the 4th or 5th grade.  It seemed weird at the time and I'm not sure why, but it was creepy and yet flattering at the same time.... all the while I thought the whole thing was a joke.  It happened on multiple occasions though.  Joke or not, it's f****** creepy!  Who says that about a little girl!  To this day, I cringe when I see a woman on a car!  I don't think my father or mother ever knew about it or maybe they did and that's why they stopped hanging out with them.  I don't really
know and I never really asked.  I just wanted to forget about it; I still do.

8th grade graduation

Fast-forward to my 8th grade year.  I was 13.  I often hung out with my older sister and her friends.  She was great about including me, especially since I was kind of a pain in her butt.  Most of her friends were like big brothers and would have never let anything bad happened to me, but there is always that one creep I suppose.  Football "star," attractive, and interested.  It seemed nice to get the attention at the time.

Our high school and junior high were in the same building.  The upper floor was for the high school and then the lower floor was split, 1/2 for 7th and 8th and 1/2 for 5th and 6th.  So, every day for lunch and PE, we would walk past the high schoolers sitting on the hallway floor.  This one boy would always grab me as I walked by and tell me how beautiful I was.  I think he was a junior at the time.  It was uncomfortable for me to get that much attention, but it also made me feel a little bit better about myself.

This behavior continued and when I started high school, it was even worse.  I owned this one black dress and it had a little spring to it.  Whenever I wore it and would walk by, he would pull it so it would fling up.  I'm sure everyone thought that's what I wanted, but I didn't.  I tried not to wear that dress except for on volleyball or basketball game days (I didn't own a lot of dresses).  He would corner me often too and tell me how beautiful or sexy I was.  It happened a lot of game days.... even in the gym.  Always with the touching.  He had a girlfriend at the time.  She just didn't go to our school.  Who know's if he did it to others.  I still feel creeped out when I think about him.

The following year, that boy had graduated and I was starting to gain a little confidence.  Then, one day while riding the bus home from some sporting event, another boy began to take over where the other boy left off.  This time, I was armed with more confidence and tried to shut him down quickly.  However, these boys are persistent and they think it's okay to touch you to get your attention.  This awkward relationship (him trying, me freaking out) continued until he graduated.  Over the summer, I saw him alone in the bar.  I confronted him about everything and asked why he was out without his wife.  He wasn't really in any condition to talk, but I am still mad at him for thinking it is okay to touch women without their permission.

Throughout high school I struggled because I never believed anyone could really find me attractive.  I was average at best.  I didn't really fit in with the popular crowd and I didn't really fit in with the nerdy group.  I was just in the middle and I tried to make everyone happy and be friends with everyone.  I didn't want to be a mean girl.  Many times, boys would ask me out and I would think they were joking.  I always turned them down because I thought it was all just a big joke to them.  I never saw the worth of myself.  I really only dated one boy and that was though peer pressure I thought.  I truly believed that I pressured him into dating me and then I won him over with my personality (that boy is my husband of almost 19 years).

There were other isolated incidents in high school where I felt uncomfortable or like I could be taken advantage of at any moment, but they were single events.  Never as persistent as the three people I focused on.  Still, nothing I would wish upon my daughters or anyone for that matter.

Source

10 years past graduation, I was 28, and had four children (the oldest one was 9, youngest was 3).  I was a stay at home mom and probably going through the toughest 5 years of my life (my weight was somewhere around 220).  Through no fault of my husband, I felt alone, ugly, fat, overwhelmed, and unwanted.  One day, I posted a survey on MySpace and someone from high school responded to it.  It was weird.  Then, out of the blue, they asked me to send them pictures of myself and like an idiot, I did.  Immediately regretting my decision, I told my husband shortly after.  He was devastated, I felt awful, I was a terrible wife and I had made him feel like an inadequate husband.  When really, my issues of self-worthlessness stemmed from inside me.  There was nothing he could have done differently to fix that.  It took a long time to repair what I had screwed up in a matter of seconds and one email.

As you can imagine, that was probably the biggest turning point for me.  That is where I really began to put on the weight.  I loved my husband more than anything.  I found him to be the most attractive man in the world.  And in literally seconds, I broke his trust.  I'd like to say that in the years following, I was better, but I wasn't.  I still had many days where I doubted his love for me.  It's really only been in the past two years where I haven't had a major jealousy outburst.  I think it has a lot to do with getting older and even more to do with communication.  We have learned to communicate better and talk more about what we need.  Additionally, I have a job and that keeps my mind busy.  I don't have as much time to sit around and think about him leaving me.

Fast-forward to yesterday.  The same man that asked me for pictures 10 years ago, starts talking to me again.  At first, I thought he just sent a mass message to everyone he knew, but I quickly realized it was just for me.  Then he asks if he can ask me a question.....  UH!  I've put all of this behind me for the most part and now all these feelings of anti-trust and the disappointment I caused my family came rushing back to me.  And I remember why I hid myself among all these layers of fat to begin with.



***I don't know why men act like that.  We are both happily married with children.  And yet, this past year we've heard about case after case of sexual harassment (mostly celebrities).  Every time, I think about why the girls didn't come forward sooner.... then I think would I?  Would I have let them do that to me?  Would I have been able to say no?  I would love to think that I would be strong enough to tell them that they are an idiot, but I don't know that I am.  Is it something about my people-pleasing personality that doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings?  Is that what would keep me from saying no?  And dear Lord, I hope to hell my daughters could tell these men to F*** off!  Why do we have to feel like it is our fault for being approached?  Why do I feel guilty and why do I let people make me feel this way?  Andy why do we feel like we are the only ones?