Crippled by Anxiety

Wow!  As always, I'm amazed when I look back and see how long it has been since I last blogged.  Three months is way too long.  I know this because I've been telling myself to blog for weeks... maybe even months. 

This has been a rough three months.  I have gained 18 pounds since Christmas and with every single pound I gain, my anxiety is magnified.  It's amazing what stress does to your mind and your body.  I wish that I could say that it will all be okay, but I don't feel like that's true.  Every pound gets me one step closer to that 200 lb mark and if I cross that, I think I will feel like a complete failure all over again.  

It's interesting how you can trick yourself into believing that you are confident....  I do it all the time.  Mostly, I'm trying to convince everyone around me that I'm all good.  In reality, I'm a mess.... I've always been a mess.  I know I've mentioned before that I can't handle making simple phone calls to take care of things, such as paying bills.  It's not just making phone calls to people I don't know.  I can't make phone calls to people I do know either.  

Most of my days are a war against me and my brain.  One second I've convinced myself I'm confident, I look amazing, and I can do anything.  The next, I'm breaking inside because I'm bad at everything.... I'm a terrible mom, an awful wife, an inconsiderate sister, a lousy daughter, a cruddy granddaughter, an undeserving friend.... 

More seconds are spent in the demeaning section of my brain than in the confident part of my brain.  I wish this wasn't the case.  I do notice that the level of stress with which I am faced with drastically effects my ability to think positively.  I wonder how other people live life with stress.  I know everyone has it, but why is it so crippling for me?  Why do I try to self-destruct when faced with stress?  How do I change it?  And WHY on earth does food have to be my go to?  For goodness sake, why couldn't it have been running? 

I'm Still Mad as Hell

For the past four days I've been trying to get past the idea of being contacted by a "man" for what I would guess was only one thing....

And for four days, I haven not brushed my hair, put on make-up, put my contacts in, or felt comfortable in my skin.

And for four days, I've hid my body in baggy clothes.

And for four days, I've felt like my husband was mad at me or disappointed in me (although there is nothing to suggest this).  

And for four days, I've had trouble sleeping, had trouble waking up, and had trouble being happy.

It's been a LONG time since I have felt this much anxiety.  I don't even know why I have this much anxiety.  All I know is I feel like this is some sort of evil trick.  I've been very successful over the past three years with my weight loss journey and now out of the blue, I'm finding my insecurities are all still there.  

I thought I was strong, but I am not.  I thought I could do this, but right now, I cannot.  I thought I had an alternative to food, but I am learning, that I do not!  

I'm not even sure where to go from here right now.  What I do know, I still have no coping mechanism....  What I did have, apparently, was a lot less stress in my life.  Now that the stress and anxiety is back, I am realizing that food is still my coping mechanism.  

For four days, I've ate and ate and ate.  And I've exceeded my calorie goal every day.

For four days, my life has stopped.  My home life is suffering, my work is suffering, and I'm suffering. 

I guess the good news is, I have learned a lot about myself in the last four days.  And right now I'm scared.  I don't know how to move forward and mostly, I'm mad as hell (I guess I need to put that song on repeat)!  I'm mad that I can't cope in a different way.  I'm mad that I need to cope!  I'm mad that I feel guilty and I've done nothing wrong!  I'm just MAD!

This isn't a very positive or helpful blog post, but it's raw, it's honest, it's how I feel, and it's sad that this happens to women/men every single day!  

130 lbs... The Good and The Bad

Last year on January 6th (2017), on weighed 190.6 lbs.  It took a long time, but finally on November 17th, 2017, I hit a big goal.  I weighed in at 176 lbs, I had lost 130 lbs!  It felt great and was only temporarily rewarding as the following week I had gained weight.  My weight went up and down over the next month and I finally dropped down to 175 on December 18th.  It felt good and I was looking forward to seeing that 174....  However, that never came.  Last Friday on my weigh in day, I weighed 182.2 lbs.  It scares me to see the scale go back up into the 80s.  I know I need to make some changes.... Most importantly, I need to record my food again.  I cannot stress how important recording your food is for weight loss.  It is keeps you honest!  

So, technically I have lost 130 lbs (probably 2 or 3 times in my life if we can count each time I gained and lost weight - which we probably should do that).... I just need to get back down to that weight again.  

Losing 130 pounds really was amazing!  I lost my entire self as a senior in high school!  That is insane!  I have energy to move (not so much energy to think) and I can jog further than I remember being able to in a long time.... I mean I can JOG!  That in itself is impressive!  I can tie my shoes and I don't run out of breath.  I have extra room in my coat.  I can buy clothes from the women's section.  All my rings fit (even my high school ring) and some are even too big!  I can paintball with my husband and kids.  I can hike mountains.  

When I look in the mirror or see a picture of myself, I am me again!

Now, the negatives and yes most of them may be superficial, but they are negatives and interrupt my everyday life in one way or another.  

1. SKIN - Lots of extra skin!  This is the worst one really.  My face (my whole face) sags now.  It's okay if I smile, but if I get caught in a photo without a smile, I look like a bloodhound.  Oh, and those wrinkles show up more predominately too.  I have extra skin that hangs off of my thighs when I try to do planks.  And saddle bags for days... it kind of hangs over, almost folds over.  I have skin that hangs off of my tricep area (lots of it) and this is something that really bothers my nieces and nephews (me too).  They like to touch it and ask me if it hurts... um no!  They also want to know if I want it there... um no!  Of course, they don't know what to say, they are just being honest.  In addition to my face, thighs, and my arms, I have skin that hangs off of my belly.... this is DEFINITELY the worst area.  It makes noise when I jump or sit fast (and sadly, sometimes it sounds like I farted when I didn't.... but I think I'd rather people thought I farted than I had a giant flap of skin that plopped down and made a fart noise).  It hangs and flops when I exercise, when I lean over, when I'm intimate.... Pretty much anytime I move!  If I could afford skin removal surgery, this would be my first stop!  It's so horribly embarrassing for me.  
2. BOOBS - I guess I still have boobs.... According to my bra size anyway (36 DD).  Still, I really think I have something that is better described as skin flaps....  Yeah, gross.  I must say 5 months ago, this would have been my number one concern.  However, they have improved a little and are starting to get some of their elasticity back.  Still, they can fold in half.... yeah, I don't know how else to explain that.  They also flop and fall flat whenever I move.  The good news here is they can hide in a bra!  So, people see them as normal.  Therefore, on my skin removal surgery list, this has to move to #2.  
3. Hypoglycemia - Yeah, I'm not diabetic and it's hard to convince the doctor that this is what's happening to me, but the signs are all there.  It generally happens once a month (sometimes more) and I can't quite figure out why.  The episodes are short (less than 15 minutes usually) and can quickly be resolved by eating 5 lifesavers.... I don't know.  I just know it works.  It's a trick I learned by reading about helping kids who were having an episode.  The worst thing is that I literally sweat through all of my clothes.  Okay, that might not be the worst thing....  I also get very shaky and incoherent.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to start having seizures (I don't know what that feels like, but I feel very weird). 
4. I have nothing else really pressing, but I'd like to go back to #1 and 2.  I thought I would be strong enough to let the skin issues go, but I was wrong.  It is very hard on you mentally.  I can see all the health benefits, but I can actually SEE all the skin and sadly for me, most of the time that gets in the way of me being completely happy. (Sorry, I don't have many pictures that really show the extra skin... even if I did, I'm not sure I'd like to post them....)
   
   

Overall, losing 130 lbs is great, but it is important to know that there are some real struggles when it comes to the extra skin!  Hopefully one day I'll be able to afford the surgeries I want and hopefully they will help me feel more comfortable.  Until then, I need to keep on working towards my goal.  I'd still like to weigh 160....  My original 10 year goal was to weigh 140, but I'm not sure if I really want to weigh that amount anymore.... Right now, I'm just trying to get back down to 176.  

#NoMore

Honestly, I had forgotten about this blog.  It was in the back of my mind, but it wasn't something I was thinking I'd come back to.  I didn't think it mattered to anyone and it sure didn't seem to matter to me anymore.  Then, out of the blue, my sister sends me a picture of my blog with a comment asking if I was going to be adding to it again.  Sadly, the comment was from almost a year ago.  It made me realize that maybe the blog wasn't all about me.

So, last night, I sat down and wrote my welcome back blog.  As I was writing, I realized that my blog was therapeutic for me.  And, although I thought I didn't need it anymore, it felt good to write; very good!

And the ironic part is that I needed it yesterday!  I read back through my previous blogs and I can't find where I shared about some of the reasons I believe I hid behind my fat.  Mostly men and the guilt that I had when they approached me.  So, I'm going to write about it again.... sorry if you already heard these stories, but it's a big deal to me.

Men....  I don't understand how they can be so crude and yet not even realize there is a problem with what they are doing!  My father and grandpa's could never have prepared me for what men would say or do.  Nor can I ever imagine them saying those things to a woman.  Then, I married an amazing man and I can't imagine him saying anything like what I've heard men say about/to other women.  I will KILL my boys (okay, probably just disown them) if they ever talk like that.

Imagine a gangly 9 or 10 year old girl who was raised like a boy.  My father's friends (husband and wife) used to take us to church once in awhile; very nice people.  Then, one day, the man starts talking about how he wants me to pose in a swimming suit on his sports car.  I laughed it off.... I mean I was in the 4th or 5th grade.  It seemed weird at the time and I'm not sure why, but it was creepy and yet flattering at the same time.... all the while I thought the whole thing was a joke.  It happened on multiple occasions though.  Joke or not, it's f****** creepy!  Who says that about a little girl!  To this day, I cringe when I see a woman on a car!  I don't think my father or mother ever knew about it or maybe they did and that's why they stopped hanging out with them.  I don't really
know and I never really asked.  I just wanted to forget about it; I still do.

8th grade graduation

Fast-forward to my 8th grade year.  I was 13.  I often hung out with my older sister and her friends.  She was great about including me, especially since I was kind of a pain in her butt.  Most of her friends were like big brothers and would have never let anything bad happened to me, but there is always that one creep I suppose.  Football "star," attractive, and interested.  It seemed nice to get the attention at the time.

Our high school and junior high were in the same building.  The upper floor was for the high school and then the lower floor was split, 1/2 for 7th and 8th and 1/2 for 5th and 6th.  So, every day for lunch and PE, we would walk past the high schoolers sitting on the hallway floor.  This one boy would always grab me as I walked by and tell me how beautiful I was.  I think he was a junior at the time.  It was uncomfortable for me to get that much attention, but it also made me feel a little bit better about myself.

This behavior continued and when I started high school, it was even worse.  I owned this one black dress and it had a little spring to it.  Whenever I wore it and would walk by, he would pull it so it would fling up.  I'm sure everyone thought that's what I wanted, but I didn't.  I tried not to wear that dress except for on volleyball or basketball game days (I didn't own a lot of dresses).  He would corner me often too and tell me how beautiful or sexy I was.  It happened a lot of game days.... even in the gym.  Always with the touching.  He had a girlfriend at the time.  She just didn't go to our school.  Who know's if he did it to others.  I still feel creeped out when I think about him.

The following year, that boy had graduated and I was starting to gain a little confidence.  Then, one day while riding the bus home from some sporting event, another boy began to take over where the other boy left off.  This time, I was armed with more confidence and tried to shut him down quickly.  However, these boys are persistent and they think it's okay to touch you to get your attention.  This awkward relationship (him trying, me freaking out) continued until he graduated.  Over the summer, I saw him alone in the bar.  I confronted him about everything and asked why he was out without his wife.  He wasn't really in any condition to talk, but I am still mad at him for thinking it is okay to touch women without their permission.

Throughout high school I struggled because I never believed anyone could really find me attractive.  I was average at best.  I didn't really fit in with the popular crowd and I didn't really fit in with the nerdy group.  I was just in the middle and I tried to make everyone happy and be friends with everyone.  I didn't want to be a mean girl.  Many times, boys would ask me out and I would think they were joking.  I always turned them down because I thought it was all just a big joke to them.  I never saw the worth of myself.  I really only dated one boy and that was though peer pressure I thought.  I truly believed that I pressured him into dating me and then I won him over with my personality (that boy is my husband of almost 19 years).

There were other isolated incidents in high school where I felt uncomfortable or like I could be taken advantage of at any moment, but they were single events.  Never as persistent as the three people I focused on.  Still, nothing I would wish upon my daughters or anyone for that matter.

Source

10 years past graduation, I was 28, and had four children (the oldest one was 9, youngest was 3).  I was a stay at home mom and probably going through the toughest 5 years of my life (my weight was somewhere around 220).  Through no fault of my husband, I felt alone, ugly, fat, overwhelmed, and unwanted.  One day, I posted a survey on MySpace and someone from high school responded to it.  It was weird.  Then, out of the blue, they asked me to send them pictures of myself and like an idiot, I did.  Immediately regretting my decision, I told my husband shortly after.  He was devastated, I felt awful, I was a terrible wife and I had made him feel like an inadequate husband.  When really, my issues of self-worthlessness stemmed from inside me.  There was nothing he could have done differently to fix that.  It took a long time to repair what I had screwed up in a matter of seconds and one email.

As you can imagine, that was probably the biggest turning point for me.  That is where I really began to put on the weight.  I loved my husband more than anything.  I found him to be the most attractive man in the world.  And in literally seconds, I broke his trust.  I'd like to say that in the years following, I was better, but I wasn't.  I still had many days where I doubted his love for me.  It's really only been in the past two years where I haven't had a major jealousy outburst.  I think it has a lot to do with getting older and even more to do with communication.  We have learned to communicate better and talk more about what we need.  Additionally, I have a job and that keeps my mind busy.  I don't have as much time to sit around and think about him leaving me.

Fast-forward to yesterday.  The same man that asked me for pictures 10 years ago, starts talking to me again.  At first, I thought he just sent a mass message to everyone he knew, but I quickly realized it was just for me.  Then he asks if he can ask me a question.....  UH!  I've put all of this behind me for the most part and now all these feelings of anti-trust and the disappointment I caused my family came rushing back to me.  And I remember why I hid myself among all these layers of fat to begin with.



***I don't know why men act like that.  We are both happily married with children.  And yet, this past year we've heard about case after case of sexual harassment (mostly celebrities).  Every time, I think about why the girls didn't come forward sooner.... then I think would I?  Would I have let them do that to me?  Would I have been able to say no?  I would love to think that I would be strong enough to tell them that they are an idiot, but I don't know that I am.  Is it something about my people-pleasing personality that doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings?  Is that what would keep me from saying no?  And dear Lord, I hope to hell my daughters could tell these men to F*** off!  Why do we have to feel like it is our fault for being approached?  Why do I feel guilty and why do I let people make me feel this way?  Andy why do we feel like we are the only ones?

What it's like to lose 100 lbs

One of the biggest reason I wanted to lose weight was for my children.  I wanted to be sure that I was healthy enough to be around for a long time and that I'd have the opportunity to see my grandchildren grow.  I also didn't want to embarrass my children.  Although they would never admit it, I worry that my children will feel embarrassed when their mom doesn't fit the seatbelt on the plane or can't quite squeeze into that ride at Disney Land, but more importantly, I worry that they'll be embarrassed when they have to stop and wait for their mom to walk up the stairs to their school or barely fit on the seat at the school concert.  It's really the day to day struggles with being fat that makes it hard to be a good parent or at least one that doesn't embarrass her children.  

The timing of my healthy living movement was really based on my anxiety around my children's embarrassment.  My oldest daughter graduates in 7 months and I knew when I started this journey that I only had about two years to get down to a weight that wasn't embarrassing.  I wanted the spotlight to be on her, not on whether or not I could get up and down the stairs to watch her graduation or her friends finally seeing me and thinking about how big her mom is (WAS).  With 7 months to go, I have about 60 pounds to lose before I meet my overall goal, but honestly I'd be thrilled with another 40.  The problem is, as I have posted several times in my last few posts, I'm not currently losing weight.  

The bigger problem is, I kinda secretly hate my new body.  So, I don't hate it when I have clothes on
and I don't hate the fact that I fit into my son's coat or my daughter's jeans.  I don't hate being able to buy clothes out of the women's section or that my shirt size is large.  I love all of those things.  It makes me feel like me again.  I do however, hate that my boobs are smaller...a lot smaller.... One day, my daughter said to me, "I thought you weren't wearing a bra because your boobs are so much different."  I might be able to handle smaller boobs if they were a little less flimsy.  I feel like I could fold them in half.  I've always been busty and I'm still not small chested by any means (not yet anyway), but I have no volume to them and that makes me sad.  I hate them!  I don't feel sexy or beautiful because I can literally see folds of skin when I look into my bra.  Lots of folds.  

While my breasts are kind of a big deal for me, they aren't the only body part I hate.  My stomach, although it used to be similar in look (mom apron), it is a lot softer.... I don't know how else to describe it, but it has no bounce back.  I push on it and it's just floppy.  It's gross.  Oh, then there is my hips....  The skin just folds over there too.  Oh, then there is my butt.  Ah, I'm happy to not have a butt growing on top of my butt (you know, the extra hump that seems to grow at the top as you get heavier and heavier), but I had that it has not rigidity.  Another body part that folds over.  My arms are flappy too, but I guess I'm okay with that because I don't remember ever being happy with my arms.  Although they are flappy, at least they are smaller.

I'd love to be happy with my body and love me for me, but I think I was better at that when I was heavier.  I was okay with my big butt because it was firm.  I was fine with big breasts because they were solid.  Now, everyday I face a body that grosses me out.  I don't feel sexy for myself or my hubby.  I know that when I lose my next 60 pounds that it will only get worse.  I wonder what body parts will I start to hate then.  It's hard for me to be content with my body and want to lose weight when I'm not happy with the way that I look at the end of the day.... or beginning.  I'm not trying to make any excuses, but I think I'm self-sabotaging because I can't seem to find peace with my current body.  

On a side note, but also important to me, I feel weaker.  I used to think I was strong.  I could lift things, move things, and generally do things on my own.  Now, I can't and it is frustrating.  

Time to start building muscle and toning up this flabby body.  I just worry about how I'll handle it emotionally if I don't get the results that I think I should have.  And the anxiety returns and my drive to improve dies.  

199 - Say What?!

Although, my last post was fairly negative, I didn't mean to give the impression that I had given up.  Yes, I have not been working very hard to reach my goals, but that doesn't mean that I have completely given up.

On the plus side, I have lost 13 lbs since this school year started.  Although, I'd be much happier with 13 lbs a month, I'm still happy that I have been able to find moments in time where I could be successful during this very stressful time.

An added bonus, on September 30th, I weighed in at exactly 200 pounds.  I honestly don't remember the last time I weighed that amount, but I know that it was probably when I was pregnant with my first daughter.  So, over 17 years ago.

An even bigger feat for me was a few days later when I weighed again and the scale read 199.  Interestingly, while overwhelmed with excitement to see a 1 as the first number on the scale, there was some disappointment to see that big 99 as the last two digits.  For years, I have been messing up and saying I weigh 1-something.  So, when the scale said 199, it was sort of hard for me to be happy about.  It just reminded me of how mentally challenging weight loss can me.  I should have been jumping up and down with joy, crying, screaming and celebrating.  Although I was happy, I wasn't as thrilled as I expected.  Seeing 99 sort of made me feel like I was at my biggest again.  Still, my family took me out to celebrate; after all, you only get to go under 200 lbs once - right?

Over a month later, the scale continues to go back and forth over the 200 mark.  I haven't been able to find steady success under 200 and I know what I need to do, but haven't found the strength to do it yet.  I hope November turns out to be the month I figure it all out and get back on track, but if it's December or January, I'll be happy.  The important thing is not to lose hope and to look back at how far I've come.

I'm having a hard time finding full body pictures of myself before the one I posted above.... I wonder why?  When I find one, I'll be happy to post a now and then comparison of me at my biggest and hopefully me at my smallest (since high school).  Whenever I scroll through Facebook and see old photos of myself, I am in shock.  I can now see why others may not recognize me.  Although, I finally feel "normal" again, they never saw me as the person I am today.  When I look in the mirror, I see the same thing I saw for years and I now understand why it was so easy to be secretly obese.

What's That You Brought With You?

I left for my parents yesterday morning.  This time, I brought my scale with me.  I probably should have left it at home, but I need that reminder to stay on track and I guess if that means dragging my scale along for the nearly two week trip then, so be it!  

I know I won't be able to use it on our backpacking trip, but the other days I can.  I know I've written about my scale before, but for me, it isn't so much the amount I weigh everyday, just that I am doing it.  It's probably one of those things that someone could label, but I prefer to think of it as a security blanket.  It gives me peace of mind knowing I didn't gain 30 pounds overnight or that if I eat something I shouldn't it won't kill me (at least not immediately) and that I need to forgive myself and move on.  Weighing helps me with that. 

Still, I must find some guilt in weighing daily and even bringing my scale along or I don't think I'd write a whole blog post about it.  I guess now, I need to ask myself why I feel guilty and should I?  Sometimes, maybe, I look into my feelings and actions a little too closely.  On the other hand, maybe not looking close enough is what allowed me to become secretly obese in the first place.  

And, sadly, I wonder if I will ever stop second guessing myself?  Will I ever just be okay with things the way they are or is this something I need to go through to heal?  

Dressing Room Saga Two Doors Down

I continued my search for the perfect (or at least one that would fit) bikini top yesterday.  This time, we headed to the mall for more variety and I was certain I would find it somewhere.  The biggest challenge has been finding the swimming suits.  It's mid July and apparently all the inventory is gone.  It seems crazy that they wouldn't stock their racks better.  People wear swimming suits all year around, but I guess they don't like to purchase them in July.  

Of course, once I did find the swim suit section, there was very little to choose from and even less for busty people.... In most stores, I haven't found a single bikini top that would fit anyone who wears a size D or larger.  After the first store, I decided to move on to stores that I knew sold plus sizes.  

I found myself in a Torrid dressing room with two bikini tops and a tankini.  Neither of the bikini tops were all that attractive, but I was hoping they'd at least fit.  Sadly, neither of them would hold the girls up -- looking for a little support here.  I moved on to the tankini, it wasn't what I was looking for, but it was cute.  As I posed (smile and all) for a selfie in the flamingo adorned top, I heard the woman who worked there usher two more people into the dressing room just down from me.  Then I heard her ask someone if she was okay.  I heard another voice respond, "She's just sad.  She went to Victoria Secret because they were supposed to be having a big sale on swimming suits and nothing fit her."  The next part was mumbled, but I heard her finish with, "She leaves for Idaho in two days."  Before the salesperson left the dressing room area, she told assured the woman that it would be okay and they would take care of her.  After she was gone, while sobbing, I heard the woman say, "I don't think it will fit past my hips."  She continued to cry as the person in the room with her offered her support and encouragement.  I wanted to stay and see how it ended, but I was done and needed to go.  As I walked out of the dressing area, I saw a mother and younger child searching the sparse selection of swim suits in hopes of finding one that would work for her daughter, the one in the dressing room who had been crying.  I never saw the person in the dressing room so I don't know how old she was.  It hurt me even more to think that this might be a teenager struggling with her weight, her self-identity, and her self-worth.

The scene was all too familiar for me.  I too have found myself crying in the Torrid dressing room.  The people who work there are amazing and I'm sure they helped the girl/woman feel better and I'm hoping they found her something to wear on her trip.  Still, trying on clothes is a scary thing for anyone who's a little overweight (or a lot overweight).  I felt so much pain for the person in the dressing room next to me.  Why can't heavy people just go buy something off of the shelf?  If America is really that fat, why don't they have more clothes for fat people?  It's especially hard when you need a specialty item like a swimming suit, but right now, I can't even find a pair of shorts.  The other issue is that clothes for skinny people are generally cuter.  I picked up two "identical" bikini tops yesterday, one was a size XL and the other was a size 16/18.  The XL (which by the way is probably a C cup) was super cute, but the 16/18 had been modified and wasn't cute at all.  I left Torrid empty handed and heart broken for the person I left crying in the dressing room.  I'm starting to think this search might be harder than I thought and maybe I just need to wear my bra!  At least it supports me and looks cute.  

300 Views

When I started this blog, I was doing it for me, but I was also doing it so that other people could see what I went through and maybe even relate.  Today, my blog hit the 300 viewer mark.  It's pretty impressive to me that people would want to read the thoughts that come out of my head.  I know that I'm not an exemplar writer and most of my blogs have mistakes, maybe even all of them (I don't know), but what I write comes from my heart.  Whether you agree with it or not, it's what my life is like for me.  Just as the voice in my head sounds different than the voice I hear on video tape, the stories I tell are the way I see the world and events that take place in them.  These are not necessarily the way that others see them and I respect that.  I know that is especially hard for people who are close to me, but they keep coming back and reading and supporting me and that is really all I could ever ask for.

I hope that in addition to people in my family, there are others who are reading this blog and who continue to come back to see what has happened in my life and throughout my journey.  It's pretty cool to see that people from across the world are reading what I write.  Sometimes my blogs are messy and seem to be all over the place; I'd like to blame that on my ADHD.  Still, whether you've read one blog or all of them, I appreciate the support.  If no one was reading them, I might not still be writing them.  Even though, this started as a way for me to face my fears and make peace with myself, knowing that others are checking in makes me feel supported.

Writing daily this month has been especially challenging.  I guess I forgot how busy of a month July is.  And, as the end of July approaches, I have some big plans that are going to make my goal of writing daily even more challenging, but seeing that people are actually looking at it holds me accountable.  So, I just wanted to take today and say thank you for reading my blog and hopefully you find it a little enjoyable.  

I've LOST a Whole Child!

At this point in my weight loss journey, I'm usually not too afraid to step on the scale.  While it still seems unreal, I have lost 90 pounds in the past year.  I've also lost two inches off of my neck (crazy huh!), 6 inches off my hips, and 13 inches off my waist.  I wish I had taken measurements of my other body parts.  I know at one time I had that all written down in one of the weight loss journals I had started, but I guess I gave up on that and finally threw it away because I can't find it anywhere.  I'd love to know how much I've lost off of my thighs and arms.  I know I've lost something off of my calves because regular boots fit, but I have no idea how much.  

To help put my 90 pound loss into a little more perspective, my husband likes to compare my pounds lost to my eleven-year-old son.  He weighs about 87 pounds.  Chew on that for a bit!  Yeah, I've lost an entire child -- an eleven-year-old child...a sixth grader!  For that, I am grateful.  I am proud!  And, most of the time I am happy.  I've packed him around on my back a few times and really, it doesn't feel like much weight.  Still, I know that 90 pounds off of my back and knees is a great improvement.  Not to mention my resting heart rate is now around 56 beats per minute.... Athletes are between 40 and 60 beats per minute.  Also, my blood pressure is really good.  So, not only do my clothes fit better, but I'm doing something that (hopefully) is making my quality and length of life better.  Still, I've got a ways to go and I'm not losing sight of my end goal just yet.

For the most part, I find myself enjoying every day.  I find ways to get out of the house as much as possible, which is hard for me because of my anxiety, but if I just go do it, then I'm usually okay.  In addition, I like to look at clothes.... I wouldn't go as far as to say I like shopping, but I do like to look and daydream about what I might look like in certain outfits.  I brave the dressing room a lot more now too.  Despite the fact that many of the clothes I pick out still don't fit, I try not to let it bother me too much.  

I'm currently on the hunt for a bikini top and some shorts.  This has proven to be challenging.  It seems like they only sell bikini tops in youth sizes....  Or that's what it looks like when I try them on.  If I was going to use Doritos to cover my boobs, I'd do that!  And, at a fraction of the cost!  I get it, you don't want girls without a tiny frame sporting a bikini, but I'm not going to wear it for the whole world.  I just want something comfortable to wear around family... you know, the people who won't judge me.  I'm not giving up.  I'm going to find it, it might cost me an arm and a leg, but I'll find it.

In addition to the bikini top, I've found it hard to find good shorts.  I don't quite understand why a size 18 is not always a size 18.  Why aren't there standard sizes?  Tonight I picked up three pairs of size 18 shorts off of the same rack (same brand) and one of them was much larger than the other two pairs -- like three inches bigger.  Of course, I tried on the larger ones first and they didn't even fit comfortably.  This confuses me because I have a size 16 pair of jeans that fit me great.  How in the world can we make girls feel good about their size if they can't even figure out what size they are?  

I think part of the issue for me is that sometimes the clothes are "juniors" and sometimes they are "womens."  Why is a size 18 in juniors different than a size 18 in womens?  Or how do we make it more clear so I know what size pants I'm trying on before I get into the dressing room.  It's really very frustrating.  I think there is also a plus size 18.....  JUST FIGURE IT OUT PEOPLE!  Quit messing with our heads.  

In short (ha, ha - get it - shorts), I'll continue to search for shorts and keep trying them on no matter what.  I can't let little things get to me.  If I could realize I was obese for short periods of time and then forget about it, I can surely feel crummy about not fitting something for a short period of time and then forget about it.  And, really, I think it's more important that I feel healthy physically and mentally then worry about what size pants I'm wearing.  

Until tomorrow.  

Envy

So the other night, I was scrolling through Facebook and saw this post from an old friend.  I read through the comments and recognized someone I hadn't seen since about the 5th or 6th grade (maybe before that).  I tend to think that I don't forget about people, but this person hadn't crossed my mind for 20 years.  I went into total stalker mode -- Facebook is good for that.

After going through several of her photos, I realized she's still got "it."  Sadly, I was not happy for this 36 year old woman who seemed to have a pretty great life and the body/looks to match.  Instead, I went into total judgement/comparison mode and ended in a jealous-anxiety fit.  Immediately, I go into thanking my husband for marrying me (and I am very thankful for that) and spouting off depressing things about him not having the opportunity to find someone better!  WTF?!  I mean, I was fine! FINE! five minutes before that.  Proud of the life I have, the marriage I have, the kids I have raised, the career I've chosen, the weight I've lost....

This crazy behavior proves that although I'm "working on it," I still have a long way to go!  The good thing is, I was able to fall asleep and actually sleep.  The better thing is, I woke up refreshed and thinking why in the world are you comparing two totally different lives with one another?  I think this is progress.  This is something that could have brought me down for quite sometime.

I'm about to make a judgement/comparison/jealousy statement (admitting you have a problem is the first step - I think):  I am so envious of some of my friends who lead their lives full of happiness and love for others.  I try to do that, sometimes I think I do...maybe I need to give myself more credit, but these people amaze me.  I love them to pieces because they look at the world with an open mind.  Although I pretend to do this, I'm not as good at it as I'd like to believe.  I think deep down (maybe not that deep), I feel like if I open up to this person or that person, I might get duped.  Maybe they don't really like me, they're only pretending, and then someday they'll attack (whatever that means).  For this reason, I keep a guard up....  I cannot remember anyone ever doing something like this to me, but I remember feeling like this as far back as grade school.  This seems quite demented and makes me wonder why I have this strange fear.  

In high school, this boy kept asking me to a dance - so often it was really annoying.  I never said yes, but I probably would have if I didn't think that he was joking.  I thought it was just a prank.  He was a good friend and I liked him as a person, but I really thought there was some surprise ending that was lurking in the shadows if I said yes.  Why?  What would make me think that?  It's surprising that I said yes when my now hubby asked me out the first time.  It's probably because the risk was worth the reward.    

I think the woman on Facebook reminded me that I'm not the only lady out there.... Seriously, sometimes I forget.  It makes me question if I'm good enough for my husband; which is just awful and he's never treated me as if I wasn't.  It's just another irrational fear that I can't figure out where it stems from.  It's like I think, if he sees this woman and sees how hot she is then maybe he'll wish he had dated her instead.  Sad fact, I've deleted people from my Facebook page because they were too pretty....  What it the hell is wrong with me!

I'll take the small victory of being able to let it go quickly, but I wonder if I'll ever be able figure out what causes me to react this way.  Maybe it doesn't matter what causes it, only that I fix it.  Now, how do I do that?

What's "Secretly Obese"

I've been overweight for more than 18 years.  Still, I never really see myself as being obese.  Most of the time, I don't even see myself as overweight.  Yet, for 18 years, I've been trying to do something about my weight.  Well, sort of.  You see, I would try to do something about my weight for a little while, but I always fell short of actually accomplishing anything.  The reason why I struggled so much was because most of the time, I saw myself as skinny.  Yes, skinny!  I know it's crazy to think that someone who weighs over 200 pounds sees them self as skinny, but that's exactly what I felt.  I never believed I was fat.  In fact, most of the time when I talked about my weight I still would say one hundred ------ whatever, I was so blind that I didn't even have the first digit right and it was a big one!

In my heart, in my mind, I view myself as skinny.  That is until I step on a scale, look at a photograph of myself, go clothes shopping, or try to squeeze through a small space.  All of these things are rather brief moments in time.  Something I can either avoid (don't be in photos or use a scale) or put out of my mind once the experience is over (clothes are purchased or airplane ride is over).  Then, I quickly return to viewing myself as skinny.  I would say I have a pretty healthy self-esteem.

The problem with this "healthy" self-esteem is that I never viewed myself as fat for long enough to do something about it.  I mean really make a change.  Something lasting that would positively impact my life both physically and emotionally.  Sure, I've keep weight loss diaries and journals in the past.  I've tried weight loss programs repeatedly, worked-out, kept food journals.  You name it, I've probably tried.  With the exception of weight loss pills.  Still, I always fell back into my old habits.  I see myself as skinny and I don't think I eat very much.  So, naturally, I convince myself that whatever weight I'm currently at is my "ideal weight."  Sounds silly right?  Well, not so much when you never really view yourself as obese.  

While I'm proud of my positive self image and willingness to try anything that isn't restricted by my weight, I am worried that this unrealistic idea of what my weight really is and what it's doing to me is going to be passed on to my children.  I think it's healthy to have a positive body image, but to what degree?



My Previous Blog:  Struggling With Weight Loss