Crippled by Anxiety

Wow!  As always, I'm amazed when I look back and see how long it has been since I last blogged.  Three months is way too long.  I know this because I've been telling myself to blog for weeks... maybe even months. 

This has been a rough three months.  I have gained 18 pounds since Christmas and with every single pound I gain, my anxiety is magnified.  It's amazing what stress does to your mind and your body.  I wish that I could say that it will all be okay, but I don't feel like that's true.  Every pound gets me one step closer to that 200 lb mark and if I cross that, I think I will feel like a complete failure all over again.  

It's interesting how you can trick yourself into believing that you are confident....  I do it all the time.  Mostly, I'm trying to convince everyone around me that I'm all good.  In reality, I'm a mess.... I've always been a mess.  I know I've mentioned before that I can't handle making simple phone calls to take care of things, such as paying bills.  It's not just making phone calls to people I don't know.  I can't make phone calls to people I do know either.  

Most of my days are a war against me and my brain.  One second I've convinced myself I'm confident, I look amazing, and I can do anything.  The next, I'm breaking inside because I'm bad at everything.... I'm a terrible mom, an awful wife, an inconsiderate sister, a lousy daughter, a cruddy granddaughter, an undeserving friend.... 

More seconds are spent in the demeaning section of my brain than in the confident part of my brain.  I wish this wasn't the case.  I do notice that the level of stress with which I am faced with drastically effects my ability to think positively.  I wonder how other people live life with stress.  I know everyone has it, but why is it so crippling for me?  Why do I try to self-destruct when faced with stress?  How do I change it?  And WHY on earth does food have to be my go to?  For goodness sake, why couldn't it have been running? 

Sometimes Life Gets in The Way

Boy, I guess I've been gone for over a year!  I can't believe it has been that long!  I can't for the life of me remember why I stopped writing, but there does seem to be a relationship to the time of the year and the turn of our Country against itself.  I remember last November was incredibly tough for me.  The election seemed to turn friends and families against each other and that was all just too much for me.  I'm a sensitive person.... a little too sensitive and it's hard for me when people argue and fight.  

So, naturally, all that drama was way too much for me.  To cope, I put up my fake Christmas tree the second weekend of November.  Then, convinced my husband to buy me a second fake Christmas tree and put it up shortly after.... both themed of course.  Then, finally, during the first weekend of December, we put our real tree.  We had family over for Christmas and that helped a bit, but then the New Year came and the realization that my daughter would be moving out soon set in. 

It was January, my 17 year-old had applied to multiple college and been accepted or waitlisted to all but one.  It hurt, it hurt every day!  I couldn't imagine how I would live without her.  The last few months before graduation were the worst.  I could barely do my job because I was so stressed.  Most days I came home and set on the couch for my lunch.  Alone and sad.  It was bad.  

Quick update on what you've missed:  I'm addicted to Coke again (the cola kind), I eat candy daily (pretty much), I found Snapchat (also addicted to that), I'm trying to love my body the way it is (more posts on this coming soon), I recorded very few meals in the past year, we sent my daughter to France (with help from MANY people), my daughter moved to Arizona (I miss her like crazy, but I'm surviving and more importantly, so is she), and I'm happy.  

Really, stress is so hard on me, I can't even explain what it does to my brain.  It makes me feel like I have dementia which freaks me out even more because we lost our grandma to dementia.  Stress makes me very forgetful, impatient, my heart race, and completely exhausted!  It's not good!  

So, excuses, excuses, excuses.... Point is, last year was tough for me for many reasons.... more than I can even remember I'm sure, but I'm back.  I hope to keep coming back, to catch everyone up, and finally write about the last hike I took with my children before I go on it again!  

Happy New Year's everyone!    

**My resolution:  Record my food 4 days a week. 

Listen to Your Mother

My Mom and Me 1998

My mother has this saying, "What people say behind your back is none of your business."  At first it seems sort of weird to think about.  I mean, why wouldn't people talking about me be my business?  Then, the more you think through it you realize just how ingenious it really is. 

I've heard my mom say that saying countless times.  I never really thought it applied to me, because I truly believed that I didn't care what people think.  And, in some cases, I'll say that is true, but in the case of my weight, it seems like I need that saying more than ever.  I wonder what her saying would be if someone is talking about you to you....  I'll have to ask.

Today, my husband reminded me that part of my journey through this whole weight loss/freeing my body and mind thing has to be letting go of what others say or do.  It also has to somehow change how I am effected by what people say or think about me; or more likely, what I think they are thinking/saying about me.  

I've made a lot of gains both mentally and physically, but I know that I still have a long way to go.  That is especially evident when I am caught off guard by something someone says.  You know that scene in Pretty Woman (1990), at the polo match where Phillip tells Vivian that he knows about her little secret and you can see Vivian's demeanor change?  She seems caught off guard, sick to her stomach, and betrayed.  Sometimes people say things that make me feel like Julia Roberts in that scene.  I feel abandoned and like I want to give up on everything and go back to the way things were a year ago.  It's confusing and frustrating at the same time and it always seems to break my heart.

Although I am working through all of my issues, I'm far from healed.  I have no idea how long it will take me to heal emotionally. Just because I wrote about an issue, doesn't mean it no longer exists -- I wish that were the case.  Likewise, just because I may seem fine on the outside, that doesn't mean that I'm not still fragile and shattered on the inside. 

As I work towards mending, I need to remember my mother's saying and what really matters in life.



**Tip #4 - If you don't respect yourself, no one else will.  Take time for you.  Put make-up on, fix your hair, do you nails, relax and enjoy the little things.  You're worth it.  


PS - I like Jamberry nail wraps, they last longer....

Wait For It

We live in a World where things are readily available.  If you want something, you can simply go to the store and get it.  Take these tomatoes for example, my son is waiting patiently to eat these tomatoes because they aren't ready yet.  However, if he really wanted tomatoes, he could just go buy some.  In rural places and older times, waiting is/was a way of life.  You plan ahead and make arrangements before receiving what you want.  As a child, I lived in a small town and waiting was a bigger part of my life.  Now, I live in the city and have nearly everything I could ever want at my fingertips.  As a result, I'm one of those people who live in the now.  If I want something, I want it now and usually I get it now.  Rarely do I have to wait for something. 

Thinking back to all my car buying experiences (and we've had several), I can think on only one that didn't end in my purchasing a car within a day or two of deciding I wanted it.  Usually, it goes something like this:  I decide I want/need a new car, I begin looking online, find 10 or so cars I like, narrow it down to two or three, test drive them, buy one.  Of course, this all happens within the day I decide I want one or the next day.  Occasionally, I'm sure it's been three days since the time I first found one I wanted, but I can't remember that happening.

Similarly, a couple weeks ago I decided I wanted a canoe in the middle of the night, I started looking for one online, and the following day we decided on a price and made arrangements for picking it up.  I wanted a new bike last year so I could ride to work (about a mile) as part of my get healthy movement.  Within a day or two I had a bike and rode it to work a whopping three times last year.  I love my bike, but my idea of how I would use it and how I actually used it were very far apart.  

When I decided I wanted to go back to school, I went in and met with the counselor (with a lot of anxiety) and she told me it would take me three or four years to finish the first part of the courses because I had a full time job and four children.  This was something that could be done in two years and I did it in two years and then moved on to finish my bachelors degree in the next two years.  

The point I wish to make is that I'm impatient and sometimes that is good and sometimes it is bad.  In the case of attending college, it was a good thing.  In the case of needing a $150 bike that sat in my living room for a year, not such a good thing.  Even worse, my impatience makes me feel like I "need" food right now!  It might be 20 minutes or less until dinner, but if I think I'm starving, I eat right away and then eat again when dinner is ready.  Often times, I just snack through the whole dinner making time.  Food is so readily available that it makes it nearly impossible to not give in to my impulses and indulge in a snack whenever I want it.  I'm working on this, but it is still hard. 

My doctor asks me, "Why are you really eating? What need are you fulfilling?"  I always think hunger, duh!  As, I blog about my personal issues and what's keeping/making me fat, I am beginning to see there are lots of reasons I am eating.  I eat when I feel anxious and this is probably my biggest issue, but I also eat when I'm tired, overwhelmed, stressed, sad, and depressed.  My urge to have things when I want them only supports these bad eating behaviors.  If I'm feeling anxious, tired, overwhelmed, stressed, sad, or depressed and food is an option and I think that's what I need, then I'm going to eat it.  I'm working on replacing that desire to eat food with something else, but I have yet to find something that works every time.  I think it's important to have a lot of tools to replace these feelings and I'm working on it, but in no way do I have the answers.  

The art of waiting may hold the key to my success.... Now, to practice patience/waiting - starting today of course.  

Enough with the Lies!

Back to the boots! 

Remember the boots that I bought online for Vegas and I said that maybe that was part of what unveiled the secret of my obesity?  Well, it was about two months after that when I contacted my doctor and told her that I needed to do something about my weight.  I was tired of trying a program and then quitting it after losing weight in the first week or two and then plateauing.  Worse yet, every time I quit a diet plan, I would gain back twice as much as I lost.  

In a way, I think the boots opened my eyes to the secret I was living.  Although, it could have been when I stepped on the scale and it read 294 pounds.  It was so close to 300 and I didn't want to go there, not even a little.  So, I told my doctor I wanted to look into weight loss surgery.  It was one of the hardest things I'd ever done (admitting that I was large enough to need weight loss surgery).  Just 10 pounds lighter and I wouldn't even consider it.  I mean, that's where I had been for years and weight loss surgery never even crossed my mind.  So, why was 294 so eye opening?  Although I had contacted the doctor, I hadn't told my husband.  I didn't know how to tell him.  I know he didn't think I was too heavy and weight loss surgery would scare him; he didn't want to lose me.  Within a few days, I got a letter from the weight loss department saying I was approved for the program.  I was overwhelmed with relief that I was finally going to get some help.  To be honest, I was scared to try to lose weight anymore; if I tried and failed, I knew I would gain even more.  I was excited to be accepted into the program, but also surprised that they would take someone who weighed what I did.... I didn't think it was enough.  

I went through months of pre-planning and learning how to eat mindfully.  The program was good and it taught me to slow down and use all of my senses when I ate something.  It also taught me to keep a food journal.  Although these were great lessons, I thought it was enough to eat mindfully and write it down.  Maybe it was at the time.  I mean I had been making poor food choices for years and maybe I needed two months to slow down and actually enjoy the foods I was eating while being honest about what exactly I put in my mouth.  By the end of the program, I had managed to gain weight.    

At the end of June, we took our family on a two week vacation to Hawaii.  I knew the plane ride would be a challenged.  On this trip, we would have our children and asking for a seatbelt extender was embarrassing.  Especially when my 10 year old was sitting next to me and was trying to make sure my seatbelt was going to fit.  It was emotionally overwhelming as it was, but when my husband had to ask the stewardess for the extender because he was on the outside (I never sit on the outside because I'm afraid people won't be able to get past me) I could no longer hold back my tears.  I pulled my sunglasses down and turned my head to hide my tears.  Once we landed, my secret was safe with me again.  I spent nearly every day of that two week vacation in a swimming suit.  I could spend all that time in Hawaii, living in a bathing suit carefree and feeling fabulous and there on the plane ride home I am snapped back to reality and exposed to my secret once again.  

Near the end of July, I weighed 306 pounds.  I had broke the 300 pound mark and it wasn't a secret anymore.  I no longer tied my shoes when my husband was in the room because it took so much effort and heavy breathing to accomplish this simple task.  I didn't want him to see me that way.  It wasn't just tying my shoes, everything had become harder and I realized how much I was depending on other people.  I asked people to do everything for me.  They even filled my plate and brought it to me on the couch (I'm so embarrassed to write that).  I had become so reliant on other people without even realizing it.  

It was in July, at 306 pounds and 50% BMI that I realized I was killing myself and ruining my children's lives.  I had become lazy.  My husband and children deserved a better me, but so did I.  If I wanted to give my family a chance at a better life and me a chance to live a better and longer life, I needed to take this more serious.  I couldn't keep going in and out of knowing that was obese.  I had to realize it and care enough to do something about it.  That didn't mean I couldn't still love myself the way I was, but that also meant I needed to make some changes; starting with being honest with myself.    

It was also in July that I read an article that Russell Wilson (my favorite QB) wrote (or talked in or something) about drinking soda and how bad it is for you.  So, I quit drinking soda.  Just like that!  We had given it up before, but we could never stick to it and I was drinking about 2 liters of diet pop a day before the day I decided I was done with it.  I just quit it.  It wasn't hard either.  It's been 8 months and I don't miss it at all... well, I miss it a little in alcoholic drinks, but I don't usually have a lot of those so it's not all that challenging.  

I wonder what gives us the ability to quit something we are addicted too?  Why is it so hard sometimes and easy others?  What makes us start those habits in the first place and how do we replace those habits with good ones?

What's "Secretly Obese"

I've been overweight for more than 18 years.  Still, I never really see myself as being obese.  Most of the time, I don't even see myself as overweight.  Yet, for 18 years, I've been trying to do something about my weight.  Well, sort of.  You see, I would try to do something about my weight for a little while, but I always fell short of actually accomplishing anything.  The reason why I struggled so much was because most of the time, I saw myself as skinny.  Yes, skinny!  I know it's crazy to think that someone who weighs over 200 pounds sees them self as skinny, but that's exactly what I felt.  I never believed I was fat.  In fact, most of the time when I talked about my weight I still would say one hundred ------ whatever, I was so blind that I didn't even have the first digit right and it was a big one!

In my heart, in my mind, I view myself as skinny.  That is until I step on a scale, look at a photograph of myself, go clothes shopping, or try to squeeze through a small space.  All of these things are rather brief moments in time.  Something I can either avoid (don't be in photos or use a scale) or put out of my mind once the experience is over (clothes are purchased or airplane ride is over).  Then, I quickly return to viewing myself as skinny.  I would say I have a pretty healthy self-esteem.

The problem with this "healthy" self-esteem is that I never viewed myself as fat for long enough to do something about it.  I mean really make a change.  Something lasting that would positively impact my life both physically and emotionally.  Sure, I've keep weight loss diaries and journals in the past.  I've tried weight loss programs repeatedly, worked-out, kept food journals.  You name it, I've probably tried.  With the exception of weight loss pills.  Still, I always fell back into my old habits.  I see myself as skinny and I don't think I eat very much.  So, naturally, I convince myself that whatever weight I'm currently at is my "ideal weight."  Sounds silly right?  Well, not so much when you never really view yourself as obese.  

While I'm proud of my positive self image and willingness to try anything that isn't restricted by my weight, I am worried that this unrealistic idea of what my weight really is and what it's doing to me is going to be passed on to my children.  I think it's healthy to have a positive body image, but to what degree?



My Previous Blog:  Struggling With Weight Loss