Will I always have to do this?

It's a funny thing weighing your food and counting calories.  I mean it's inconceivable for me to think that there are other people out there that weigh their food and record it for every meal.  I guess it's that kind of cockiness that has gotten me to where I am today.  It's almost like if I don't believe anyone else could be recording their food then it must not be happening and if skinny people everywhere aren't weighing and recording their food then why should I have to?  

A month or so ago, I reread one of my journal entries from 2005; I wrote, "Will I always have to write down everything I eat.  Will this be something I have to do for the rest of my life?"  Every time I started a new diet, I started a new journal.... I have all these journal entries that start with me being excited and ready to lose weight and then after just a few entries, they stop.  No real signs of success and definitely no sign of persistence. 

I laughed when I read that entry.  I stumbled upon it at the perfect moment.  A moment when I was down, hadn't been recording my food, and was wondering why I had to record my food when other people didn't... of course, I have no idea if other people have to record their food.  Yet, at that moment in time, I felt like the stress from life was too much to handle adding the commitment of weighing and recording food.  Stress is something that often stops me from doing the things that are best for me.  It's another element of my anxiety.   

My hubby did start making us portioned lunches, healthy and weighed for the entire week.  I loved having these meals pre-made and they tasted great.  Like all things hard, we weren't great about keeping that going consistently and besides eating just my pre-made lunch, I was supplementing heavily with candy.  Something I LOVE.... I think I've mentioned that before.  

It's easy to think you're eating healthy because you do one or two things correctly and it's also easy to eat poorly because you think you're eating healthy.  I guess for people who eat healthy all the time or 90% of the time, they may not need to record their food.  I am not one of those people who eats healthy all the time.  I like to eat healthy, but I also love hamburgers and pizza and Chinese food and candy.... ya know all the really bad stuff.  So for me, I probably will have to record my food for the rest of my life and I'm going to have to learn to stop worrying if it's something that everyone else has to do or not.  It's clearly something I need to do.  I know it works for me and that should be reason enough.  

So for now, I need to get back on the wagon.  Those 18 pounds I've gained since December aren't going to lose themselves. 

Wait For It

We live in a World where things are readily available.  If you want something, you can simply go to the store and get it.  Take these tomatoes for example, my son is waiting patiently to eat these tomatoes because they aren't ready yet.  However, if he really wanted tomatoes, he could just go buy some.  In rural places and older times, waiting is/was a way of life.  You plan ahead and make arrangements before receiving what you want.  As a child, I lived in a small town and waiting was a bigger part of my life.  Now, I live in the city and have nearly everything I could ever want at my fingertips.  As a result, I'm one of those people who live in the now.  If I want something, I want it now and usually I get it now.  Rarely do I have to wait for something. 

Thinking back to all my car buying experiences (and we've had several), I can think on only one that didn't end in my purchasing a car within a day or two of deciding I wanted it.  Usually, it goes something like this:  I decide I want/need a new car, I begin looking online, find 10 or so cars I like, narrow it down to two or three, test drive them, buy one.  Of course, this all happens within the day I decide I want one or the next day.  Occasionally, I'm sure it's been three days since the time I first found one I wanted, but I can't remember that happening.

Similarly, a couple weeks ago I decided I wanted a canoe in the middle of the night, I started looking for one online, and the following day we decided on a price and made arrangements for picking it up.  I wanted a new bike last year so I could ride to work (about a mile) as part of my get healthy movement.  Within a day or two I had a bike and rode it to work a whopping three times last year.  I love my bike, but my idea of how I would use it and how I actually used it were very far apart.  

When I decided I wanted to go back to school, I went in and met with the counselor (with a lot of anxiety) and she told me it would take me three or four years to finish the first part of the courses because I had a full time job and four children.  This was something that could be done in two years and I did it in two years and then moved on to finish my bachelors degree in the next two years.  

The point I wish to make is that I'm impatient and sometimes that is good and sometimes it is bad.  In the case of attending college, it was a good thing.  In the case of needing a $150 bike that sat in my living room for a year, not such a good thing.  Even worse, my impatience makes me feel like I "need" food right now!  It might be 20 minutes or less until dinner, but if I think I'm starving, I eat right away and then eat again when dinner is ready.  Often times, I just snack through the whole dinner making time.  Food is so readily available that it makes it nearly impossible to not give in to my impulses and indulge in a snack whenever I want it.  I'm working on this, but it is still hard. 

My doctor asks me, "Why are you really eating? What need are you fulfilling?"  I always think hunger, duh!  As, I blog about my personal issues and what's keeping/making me fat, I am beginning to see there are lots of reasons I am eating.  I eat when I feel anxious and this is probably my biggest issue, but I also eat when I'm tired, overwhelmed, stressed, sad, and depressed.  My urge to have things when I want them only supports these bad eating behaviors.  If I'm feeling anxious, tired, overwhelmed, stressed, sad, or depressed and food is an option and I think that's what I need, then I'm going to eat it.  I'm working on replacing that desire to eat food with something else, but I have yet to find something that works every time.  I think it's important to have a lot of tools to replace these feelings and I'm working on it, but in no way do I have the answers.  

The art of waiting may hold the key to my success.... Now, to practice patience/waiting - starting today of course.