This has been a rough three months. I have gained 18 pounds since Christmas and with every single pound I gain, my anxiety is magnified. It's amazing what stress does to your mind and your body. I wish that I could say that it will all be okay, but I don't feel like that's true. Every pound gets me one step closer to that 200 lb mark and if I cross that, I think I will feel like a complete failure all over again.
It's interesting how you can trick yourself into believing that you are confident.... I do it all the time. Mostly, I'm trying to convince everyone around me that I'm all good. In reality, I'm a mess.... I've always been a mess. I know I've mentioned before that I can't handle making simple phone calls to take care of things, such as paying bills. It's not just making phone calls to people I don't know. I can't make phone calls to people I do know either.
Most of my days are a war against me and my brain. One second I've convinced myself I'm confident, I look amazing, and I can do anything. The next, I'm breaking inside because I'm bad at everything.... I'm a terrible mom, an awful wife, an inconsiderate sister, a lousy daughter, a cruddy granddaughter, an undeserving friend....
More seconds are spent in the demeaning section of my brain than in the confident part of my brain. I wish this wasn't the case. I do notice that the level of stress with which I am faced with drastically effects my ability to think positively. I wonder how other people live life with stress. I know everyone has it, but why is it so crippling for me? Why do I try to self-destruct when faced with stress? How do I change it? And WHY on earth does food have to be my go to? For goodness sake, why couldn't it have been running?
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