Will I always have to do this?

It's a funny thing weighing your food and counting calories.  I mean it's inconceivable for me to think that there are other people out there that weigh their food and record it for every meal.  I guess it's that kind of cockiness that has gotten me to where I am today.  It's almost like if I don't believe anyone else could be recording their food then it must not be happening and if skinny people everywhere aren't weighing and recording their food then why should I have to?  

A month or so ago, I reread one of my journal entries from 2005; I wrote, "Will I always have to write down everything I eat.  Will this be something I have to do for the rest of my life?"  Every time I started a new diet, I started a new journal.... I have all these journal entries that start with me being excited and ready to lose weight and then after just a few entries, they stop.  No real signs of success and definitely no sign of persistence. 

I laughed when I read that entry.  I stumbled upon it at the perfect moment.  A moment when I was down, hadn't been recording my food, and was wondering why I had to record my food when other people didn't... of course, I have no idea if other people have to record their food.  Yet, at that moment in time, I felt like the stress from life was too much to handle adding the commitment of weighing and recording food.  Stress is something that often stops me from doing the things that are best for me.  It's another element of my anxiety.   

My hubby did start making us portioned lunches, healthy and weighed for the entire week.  I loved having these meals pre-made and they tasted great.  Like all things hard, we weren't great about keeping that going consistently and besides eating just my pre-made lunch, I was supplementing heavily with candy.  Something I LOVE.... I think I've mentioned that before.  

It's easy to think you're eating healthy because you do one or two things correctly and it's also easy to eat poorly because you think you're eating healthy.  I guess for people who eat healthy all the time or 90% of the time, they may not need to record their food.  I am not one of those people who eats healthy all the time.  I like to eat healthy, but I also love hamburgers and pizza and Chinese food and candy.... ya know all the really bad stuff.  So for me, I probably will have to record my food for the rest of my life and I'm going to have to learn to stop worrying if it's something that everyone else has to do or not.  It's clearly something I need to do.  I know it works for me and that should be reason enough.  

So for now, I need to get back on the wagon.  Those 18 pounds I've gained since December aren't going to lose themselves. 

I'm Still Mad as Hell

For the past four days I've been trying to get past the idea of being contacted by a "man" for what I would guess was only one thing....

And for four days, I haven not brushed my hair, put on make-up, put my contacts in, or felt comfortable in my skin.

And for four days, I've hid my body in baggy clothes.

And for four days, I've felt like my husband was mad at me or disappointed in me (although there is nothing to suggest this).  

And for four days, I've had trouble sleeping, had trouble waking up, and had trouble being happy.

It's been a LONG time since I have felt this much anxiety.  I don't even know why I have this much anxiety.  All I know is I feel like this is some sort of evil trick.  I've been very successful over the past three years with my weight loss journey and now out of the blue, I'm finding my insecurities are all still there.  

I thought I was strong, but I am not.  I thought I could do this, but right now, I cannot.  I thought I had an alternative to food, but I am learning, that I do not!  

I'm not even sure where to go from here right now.  What I do know, I still have no coping mechanism....  What I did have, apparently, was a lot less stress in my life.  Now that the stress and anxiety is back, I am realizing that food is still my coping mechanism.  

For four days, I've ate and ate and ate.  And I've exceeded my calorie goal every day.

For four days, my life has stopped.  My home life is suffering, my work is suffering, and I'm suffering. 

I guess the good news is, I have learned a lot about myself in the last four days.  And right now I'm scared.  I don't know how to move forward and mostly, I'm mad as hell (I guess I need to put that song on repeat)!  I'm mad that I can't cope in a different way.  I'm mad that I need to cope!  I'm mad that I feel guilty and I've done nothing wrong!  I'm just MAD!

This isn't a very positive or helpful blog post, but it's raw, it's honest, it's how I feel, and it's sad that this happens to women/men every single day!  

The Other Stress of Parenting

You'd think that writing a blog would be the easy part of this journey, but apparently it's just one more thing that I can use lack of time as an excuse as to why I don't do it.  As I mentioned in my last post, I understand the importance of blogging to my success and yet, I still haven't done it in over two months.  It's not the only thing I've made an excuse for in the past two months.  I haven't recorded a full days worth of food in my food journal or bothered to actually exercise in that time either.  While I'd like to analyze why I haven't taken the time to do any of those things, I think I need to start by getting out my excuses for not doing it.

You see, I'm a teacher which means my year runs from late August to mid June.  When I think about the start of the new year, I'm not picturing a New Year's celebration on January 1st.  Instead, I'm picturing organizing desks and classroom supplies, decorating walls, planning lessons, and trying to memorize 90-100 new faces.  So, when I look back at my life (at least since being a teacher), I see it in chunks of time that go from August to August.  And this is important because when I talk about last year vs. this year, I'm talking about my life in school years.

Last year at this time, I was still fairly fresh on my life changing journey to become a better - healthier me.  With fairly little effort, I had lost 28 pounds.  Also, I had changed schools and I had found my new position, although still full of challenges, to be rather refreshing and relaxing in comparison to my previous years.  While there were still the same struggles with day to day life, I was not overly stressed.

Fast-forward a year later and I'm stuck in a rut.  I feel the pressure of this school year far more than I did last year.  This probably means I'm a better teacher this year, but I also know that means I'm taking a larger toll on my body, soul, and mind!  My year started out strange as I was the most experienced math teacher at my grade-level department meetings.  There is a weird strain that is placed on a person in that position (or maybe I placed it on myself) to be a leader and help others to be successful.  So, instead of worrying about whether my classroom was a success or not, I'm worrying about the success of almost everyone in the department.  There are some other factors that have added to my stress at work and will continue to be there as the year progresses.  I think that's true in any job though.  Still, I've never been good at managing stress.  I have a very strong "flight" mode when I feel stressed.  And I think, "flight" might sometimes mean eating away the stress or drinking away the stress.  I'm not much of a drinker, but during very stressful years, I will find myself drinking a few nights a week where as on non stressful years, it might be a few times a month.  Mostly, those things are masking the real "flight mode" that I feel I need to take: quitting my job.  Without those crutches, I don't know how I would have ever kept working.


In addition to a stressful start to the school year, it is my oldest daughter's senior year of high school.  Everything costs so much money and right now, I am so thankful that my dream to have twins never came true!  Besides the cost associated with being a senior, there is the added stress of her leaving for college.  While I worry a lot about where she will end up, I worry more about her facing rejection.  I know that she will not be accepted into every college she applies for, but I don't know how to help her through the disappointment of not being good enough.  I sense she will handle this better than I ever would have.  Which is probably why I never applied to go to college.  I fear she has put so much pressure on herself that she will break and I won't know how to help her.  I never dreamed about what my daughter would be when she grew up.  I didn't picture her as a doctor or an actress or a pilot or anything.  All I ever wanted for any of my children was for them to be happy and choose a path that makes them happy!  And now, as I know the time is coming to set her free to find what truly makes her happy, I worry that she may never find happiness.

Oh, yeah, and did I mention that she's headed to France this summer and we need to find a way to pay for that without making her feel like she is a burden on our family....

Then, there is my son.  He LOVES football.  He has played for three years.  His first year he thought it was alright, but he didn't really know if he wanted to keep playing.  However, something happened in the offseason his first year and he began to really study the game.  Since then, he has worked hard to get better.  Still, his coaches haven't been great about giving him the recognition he deserves.  He is a great kid and makes hard choices to do the right thing even when his friends aren't and yet those same friends are the ones the coaches idolize.  I want them to see him as the hardworking leader he is, but instead they seem to ignore him.  It has been so hard for me to keep my mouth shut and not point out the good things they haven't given him credit for (tackles, sacks, fumble recoveries, covering multiple positions for injured players, being at practice daily, working hard, being a positive role model).  I coached for the last three years and I made sure every player felt like an important part of the team.  And sometimes that meant encouraging them to show up and be there for their team.  This boy is there everyday at least 30 minutes early, he is the first one to the huddle, he never messes around, and he seriously studies the game on his own time.  Yet, he can walk right by the coaches and they don't even say hi.  They never say hi to me.  They completely ignore me or act like I'm not a mom.  After three years with them, I am thrilled to be done with these coaches, but man their lack of understanding about what it means to be a TEAM and the importance of family had been a HUGE stress for me this season.  Their season ended a week ago and I still wake up in the middle of the night irritated and thinking of all the things I want to say to the coaches.  The stress of knowing that my child doesn't feel valued is unbearable sometimes.  I don't know how to overcome this kind of stress either.  I know that there will be times in all of my children's lives that they won't be given credit for what they did or they won't be valued or accepted as they should be, but at 13 everyone should feel supported and important.

Now, I have two more children who have had great coaches and the stress that I feel for them to be valued or accepted is currently much smaller, but that isn't always the case.  Why didn't anyone ever tell me that the real stress of parenting - the very, very hardest part - would be seeing my children's hard work and effort devalued, watching them fail, and having them believe they weren't good enough?  How can this be fair?  I can only hope that we have provided them with enough love and support to feel valued even when someone else can't see their worth.

And so, these are stresses that are keeping me awake at night.  These are stresses that put so much strain on me that I can feel pressure in my chest.  These are stresses that convince me that I need to quit my job and stay home.  These are stresses that keep me from making healthy choices.

While they are still just excuses, I know, feel, and live the authenticity of these excuses every day.  To some, I know, they will seem minimal and conquerable.  To me, they are not.  I don't see an end in sight, I can't look past them and move on.  These are things that heighten my anxiety and keep me from being happy.  I know that I need to find a way to be healthy and take care of me first, but like every time I've started something "for me" in the past, I just don't see how my health/happiness trumps my children's.

Where's the Fire?

Well, it's been awhile since I've blogged, but we did make it through our backpacking trip.  Someday I'll write more about it, but for now, I just am happy to be back to blogging.

The trip was good, but it did kind of mess up my eating schedule/recording my food and once again made me lazy.  In addition, once we were out of the woods, we stopped to eat and I ordered a pop....  So, I also broke my year long streak of being soda free.  

Probably the worst thing is I haven't recorded a full days meals since we left for our hike.  As a result, I haven't lost much weight.  This last week though, I tried to record my food a little more regularly and get back into my good habits.  I'm just doing what I can right now, but it did help.  I had only lost three pounds in the weeks leading up to last week.  One week back on the wagon (sort-of) and I lost five pounds.  So, I know how important recording my food is, yet I still don't want to do it!  

In many ways, I am disappointed with myself for not recording my food after only 4 days without internet access.  I am also disappointed with myself for drinking pop here and there since our trip.  It doesn't taste that good and it makes me feel funny!  Still, now I seem to be missing my willpower to stay away from it.  I haven't resorted to ordering it, but I do steal sips from my hubby or kids when they have it.  

Another sad thing is I lost a lot of my support people around the same time I quit logging in and recording my food; not literally, but in the sense that they no longer log onto our food recording system.  That's tricky because if you don't feel like anyone is watching it's very hard to hold yourself accountable.  Realistically, I know that I'm doing this for me and I'm my best motivation, but it does something to my brain not to have people "thumbs-up" my status when I log my food or enter my weight loss.  I wish it didn't matter, but it does.  I've even logged in with my husband's account and wrote myself an encouraging note.  I need to find another way to make it appealing for me to login and record my food.  That seems to be the best way for me to lose weight and so I have to find something that motivates me to keep doing it.  I guess that's why I'm back on here today.  

I know my blog isn't read by everyone or even very many people, but I need to be accountable to more people.  I have to make time to blog and share where I'm at in this process.  I have a long way to go and I can't let myself get in the way of my success.  I need to find my fire, my passion, my reason for being happy!  I hate that I let things wear me down, make me feel depressed, and keep me from reaching my goals.  Why do I always feel like quitting when things don't go the way I expect them to or when I fail?

Today, I am 2.2 lbs away from losing 100 total pounds!  I'm so close to that major milestone, but I have a long way to go.  My goal for this week will be to hold myself accountable and to take it one day at a time.  I'll try not to give up when/if I fail...that will be the hard part. 

Popiversary

http://thisishowyousonic.com

Today marks the anniversary of the day that I gave up pop - my popiversary.  It's weird to think back to a time when I "needed" pop to make it through the day.  Oddly, I still have those moments (like last night) where I really want a soda, but they are pretty few and far between.  I don't know what causes it, but you'd think that after a year without something, you'd just kind of forget about it.  I guess that shows you how addicted I was to it.  

This addiction started in high school, I think.  I used to drink a Coke at school or share one with my boyfriend (now hubby).  It was the one bad thing I did for a very long time.  And, since I wasn't drinking or smoking, I used that as an excuse to continue to drink soda (a lot of soda).  I switched to diet probably 14 or 15 years ago, but that didn't stop the weight gain.  In fact, it probably made it worse.  If there aren't any calories in it then you can have as much as you'd like....

I know I've written before about giving up soda after reading an article with Russell Wilson and that was a big factor, but it wasn't the only factor.  I'm not even sure what the other factors were on this day a year ago, but I do know how it started.  I was headed east to visit family for the week when the kids and I stopped at the gas station, as always, to grab snacks and drinks and instead of grabbing a pop, I picked up an iced tea/lemonade drink.  It wasn't bad and I didn't miss the soda.  Once we arrived at our destination, I realized I hadn't had any soda that day.  Instead of reaching for one, I went shopping for Vitamin Waters so that I could make it through the week without being tempted to drink a pop.  I figured if I could make it though a week on vacation without drinking soda then I could make it anytime.  I don't know what it was about that day, but I guess the timing was perfect because I haven't looked back!  

I remember when I had made it a month without drinking soda and I was so proud of myself... actually, I can remember when I made a week, then two.  After that first month though, it seemed to get easier.  The worst thing for me was seeing it in a glass.  The ads just before the movies made it incredibly challenging for me.  I recall sitting in the movie theater and closing my eyes so I wouldn't see the Coke ads.  The bubbles rolling up to the top made me crave it, but shortly after it was gone, I'd forget about it.  I had the same problem at home when my husband would pour a drink, but if he used a cup that wasn't see through, then it wasn't a problem -- luckily, he had no problem making that adjustment to support me and later giving up pop himself.  It was hard to go through a drive through and order a water when everyone else was getting a soda.  Usually once we drove off I'd be fine, but sometimes it would make me sad for quite awhile.  It feels like you're being left out and that makes it really hard to stick to the plan.  I made it through the tough times by telling myself, "I don't drink pop!"  Sometimes I needed to repeat it more than others, but just knowing that I was choosing not to drink it and that I was in control helped.  

In addition to celebrating the first week, second week, and month of being soda free, I also celebrated making it three months and six months.  After that I sort of forgot that I had ever even drank pop.  So, it is a little weird for me to be writing this to celebrate a year without it.  However, I think it's important.  I had contemplated this day for the first several months of quitting this habit.  I once thought, I'd celebrate once a year with a glass bottle of Coke and now that the day has arrived, I don't even want it.  While it might seem trivial to celebrate giving up soda, this is really what started my whole journey and I can't imagine making the decision to be healthy without ditching the soda. 




Tip #5 - Choose a bad habit to give up (just one) and challenge yourself to see how long you can go without it.  You might surprise yourself!

Count Calories or The Calories Will Count

From mid February until today, I became a lot stricter with my eating.  I lowered my calorie goal to 1200 and have only gone over my goal two days.  I also added protein drinks (one a day) so that I could get to my goal of 60 grams of protein a day.  I eat about 5 times a day and try to eat about 200 calories at each meal.  My goal is to eat 6 times a day, but that doesn't always work.  

I've been really good about saying I'm going to eat this cake, but I'm going to write it down -- even if it's just a bite.  It holds me accountable and still lets me eat things I like.  It also makes me realize how many calories are in each item.  

It isn't easy for me.  It's even harder when we go out to eat or have people over.  I don't think people understand how much they are actually eating, but when you only have 1200 calories to eat in a day, you become more aware of what having a second piece of bread means.  Sometimes I'll buy my fancy coffee drink and think, 'I'm going to use these 500 calories and then I'll eat really healthy for the rest of the day,' but part way through the drink I realize it isn't good enough to waste calories on.  So, I give it away.  I do that a lot now.  

It's taken a whole mind shift.  I still crave things and get a little jealous when I see someone else with a plate full of pizza, but it's amazing how quickly we forget what we wanted when we don't act on our impulses immediately.  Every time I go through the drive through, I want to order something deep fried (and sometimes I do), but if I order something healthier and drive off, I don't regret it and I don't miss the deep fried food.  I just have to do it and remember to forgive myself if I don't.  

Tip #2 - Don't waste your calories on drinks if you can help it.  Order water and bring Mio (or something similar) to flavor your water if you don't like water.

Tip #3 - Use a small plate.  It makes it seem like you're getting a lot of good food. 

I Love July!

July has been a wonderful month for me for as long as I can remember.  It hosts my favorite rodeo and one of my favorite holidays.  Not to mention, it's the month my husband and I began dating (again) and the month my 1st child was born in.  So, it should be no surprise that July would be the month that saved me! 

Following my revelations in July of 2015, I began to take my lifestyle changes more seriously.  I was switching jobs (sort of) in September and that gave me a chance to start over.  By that, I mean it gave me the chance to become the type of employee I wanted to be.  At my previous place, I worked long hours and had a lot of stress/drama.  Most of it I probably put on myself, but moving to a new location gave me the opportunity to start fresh.  I realized that in the past year leading up to my decision to switch locations, I had gained 20 pounds and in the years before that, I had gained another 30.  So, I was averaging about 10 pounds a year and forming a number of unhealthy habits.  Stress adds more weight than you realize.  Not only literally, but mentally and physically as well.  No job is worth your health.

July was my mid-point between job changes as well as a wake-up call for me to get my act together and take care of myself.  Once I figured out that I had to stop eating/drinking so many calories and realized that I was actually doing it, the weight started to come off.  

**Tip #1 for anyone trying to lose weight, record your food (all of it) and weigh everything -- yes, even your peanut butter!  You'll be amazed at how much you are actually eating!  Did you know one sour patch kid has 25 calories?  Crazy right!  Imagine me eating a whole bag like it was nothing...and not the small bag.