You see, I'm a teacher which means my year runs from late August to mid June. When I think about the start of the new year, I'm not picturing a New Year's celebration on January 1st. Instead, I'm picturing organizing desks and classroom supplies, decorating walls, planning lessons, and trying to memorize 90-100 new faces. So, when I look back at my life (at least since being a teacher), I see it in chunks of time that go from August to August. And this is important because when I talk about last year vs. this year, I'm talking about my life in school years.
Last year at this time, I was still fairly fresh on my life changing journey to become a better - healthier me. With fairly little effort, I had lost 28 pounds. Also, I had changed schools and I had found my new position, although still full of challenges, to be rather refreshing and relaxing in comparison to my previous years. While there were still the same struggles with day to day life, I was not overly stressed.
Fast-forward a year later and I'm stuck in a rut. I feel the pressure of this school year far more than I did last year. This probably means I'm a better teacher this year, but I also know that means I'm taking a larger toll on my body, soul, and mind! My year started out strange as I was the most experienced math teacher at my grade-level department meetings. There is a weird strain that is placed on a person in that position (or maybe I placed it on myself) to be a leader and help others to be successful. So, instead of worrying about whether my classroom was a success or not, I'm worrying about the success of almost everyone in the department. There are some other factors that have added to my stress at work and will continue to be there as the year progresses. I think that's true in any job though. Still, I've never been good at managing stress. I have a very strong "flight" mode when I feel stressed. And I think, "flight" might sometimes mean eating away the stress or drinking away the stress. I'm not much of a drinker, but during very stressful years, I will find myself drinking a few nights a week where as on non stressful years, it might be a few times a month. Mostly, those things are masking the real "flight mode" that I feel I need to take: quitting my job. Without those crutches, I don't know how I would have ever kept working.
In addition to a stressful start to the school year, it is my oldest daughter's senior year of high school. Everything costs so much money and right now, I am so thankful that my dream to have twins never came true! Besides the cost associated with being a senior, there is the added stress of her leaving for college. While I worry a lot about where she will end up, I worry more about her facing rejection. I know that she will not be accepted into every college she applies for, but I don't know how to help her through the disappointment of not being good enough. I sense she will handle this better than I ever would have. Which is probably why I never applied to go to college. I fear she has put so much pressure on herself that she will break and I won't know how to help her. I never dreamed about what my daughter would be when she grew up. I didn't picture her as a doctor or an actress or a pilot or anything. All I ever wanted for any of my children was for them to be happy and choose a path that makes them happy! And now, as I know the time is coming to set her free to find what truly makes her happy, I worry that she may never find happiness. Oh, yeah, and did I mention that she's headed to France this summer and we need to find a way to pay for that without making her feel like she is a burden on our family....
Then, there is my son. He LOVES football. He has played for three years. His first year he thought it was alright, but he didn't really know if he wanted to keep playing. However, something happened in the offseason his first year and he began to really study the game. Since then, he has worked hard to get better. Still, his coaches haven't been great about giving him the recognition he deserves. He is a great kid and makes hard choices to do the right thing even when his friends aren't and yet those same friends are the ones the coaches idolize. I want them to see him as the hardworking leader he is, but instead they seem to ignore him. It has been so hard for me to keep my mouth shut and not point out the good things they haven't given him credit for (tackles, sacks, fumble recoveries, covering multiple positions for injured players, being at practice daily, working hard, being a positive role model). I coached for the last three years and I made sure every player felt like an important part of the team. And sometimes that meant encouraging them to show up and be there for their team. This boy is there everyday at least 30 minutes early, he is the first one to the huddle, he never messes around, and he seriously studies the game on his own time. Yet, he can walk right by the coaches and they don't even say hi. They never say hi to me. They completely ignore me or act like I'm not a mom. After three years with them, I am thrilled to be done with these coaches, but man their lack of understanding about what it means to be a TEAM and the importance of family had been a HUGE stress for me this season. Their season ended a week ago and I still wake up in the middle of the night irritated and thinking of all the things I want to say to the coaches. The stress of knowing that my child doesn't feel valued is unbearable sometimes. I don't know how to overcome this kind of stress either. I know that there will be times in all of my children's lives that they won't be given credit for what they did or they won't be valued or accepted as they should be, but at 13 everyone should feel supported and important. Now, I have two more children who have had great coaches and the stress that I feel for them to be valued or accepted is currently much smaller, but that isn't always the case. Why didn't anyone ever tell me that the real stress of parenting - the very, very hardest part - would be seeing my children's hard work and effort devalued, watching them fail, and having them believe they weren't good enough? How can this be fair? I can only hope that we have provided them with enough love and support to feel valued even when someone else can't see their worth.
And so, these are stresses that are keeping me awake at night. These are stresses that put so much strain on me that I can feel pressure in my chest. These are stresses that convince me that I need to quit my job and stay home. These are stresses that keep me from making healthy choices.
While they are still just excuses, I know, feel, and live the authenticity of these excuses every day. To some, I know, they will seem minimal and conquerable. To me, they are not. I don't see an end in sight, I can't look past them and move on. These are things that heighten my anxiety and keep me from being happy. I know that I need to find a way to be healthy and take care of me first, but like every time I've started something "for me" in the past, I just don't see how my health/happiness trumps my children's.
