Sometimes Life Gets in The Way

Boy, I guess I've been gone for over a year!  I can't believe it has been that long!  I can't for the life of me remember why I stopped writing, but there does seem to be a relationship to the time of the year and the turn of our Country against itself.  I remember last November was incredibly tough for me.  The election seemed to turn friends and families against each other and that was all just too much for me.  I'm a sensitive person.... a little too sensitive and it's hard for me when people argue and fight.  

So, naturally, all that drama was way too much for me.  To cope, I put up my fake Christmas tree the second weekend of November.  Then, convinced my husband to buy me a second fake Christmas tree and put it up shortly after.... both themed of course.  Then, finally, during the first weekend of December, we put our real tree.  We had family over for Christmas and that helped a bit, but then the New Year came and the realization that my daughter would be moving out soon set in. 

It was January, my 17 year-old had applied to multiple college and been accepted or waitlisted to all but one.  It hurt, it hurt every day!  I couldn't imagine how I would live without her.  The last few months before graduation were the worst.  I could barely do my job because I was so stressed.  Most days I came home and set on the couch for my lunch.  Alone and sad.  It was bad.  

Quick update on what you've missed:  I'm addicted to Coke again (the cola kind), I eat candy daily (pretty much), I found Snapchat (also addicted to that), I'm trying to love my body the way it is (more posts on this coming soon), I recorded very few meals in the past year, we sent my daughter to France (with help from MANY people), my daughter moved to Arizona (I miss her like crazy, but I'm surviving and more importantly, so is she), and I'm happy.  

Really, stress is so hard on me, I can't even explain what it does to my brain.  It makes me feel like I have dementia which freaks me out even more because we lost our grandma to dementia.  Stress makes me very forgetful, impatient, my heart race, and completely exhausted!  It's not good!  

So, excuses, excuses, excuses.... Point is, last year was tough for me for many reasons.... more than I can even remember I'm sure, but I'm back.  I hope to keep coming back, to catch everyone up, and finally write about the last hike I took with my children before I go on it again!  

Happy New Year's everyone!    

**My resolution:  Record my food 4 days a week. 

Popiversary

http://thisishowyousonic.com

Today marks the anniversary of the day that I gave up pop - my popiversary.  It's weird to think back to a time when I "needed" pop to make it through the day.  Oddly, I still have those moments (like last night) where I really want a soda, but they are pretty few and far between.  I don't know what causes it, but you'd think that after a year without something, you'd just kind of forget about it.  I guess that shows you how addicted I was to it.  

This addiction started in high school, I think.  I used to drink a Coke at school or share one with my boyfriend (now hubby).  It was the one bad thing I did for a very long time.  And, since I wasn't drinking or smoking, I used that as an excuse to continue to drink soda (a lot of soda).  I switched to diet probably 14 or 15 years ago, but that didn't stop the weight gain.  In fact, it probably made it worse.  If there aren't any calories in it then you can have as much as you'd like....

I know I've written before about giving up soda after reading an article with Russell Wilson and that was a big factor, but it wasn't the only factor.  I'm not even sure what the other factors were on this day a year ago, but I do know how it started.  I was headed east to visit family for the week when the kids and I stopped at the gas station, as always, to grab snacks and drinks and instead of grabbing a pop, I picked up an iced tea/lemonade drink.  It wasn't bad and I didn't miss the soda.  Once we arrived at our destination, I realized I hadn't had any soda that day.  Instead of reaching for one, I went shopping for Vitamin Waters so that I could make it through the week without being tempted to drink a pop.  I figured if I could make it though a week on vacation without drinking soda then I could make it anytime.  I don't know what it was about that day, but I guess the timing was perfect because I haven't looked back!  

I remember when I had made it a month without drinking soda and I was so proud of myself... actually, I can remember when I made a week, then two.  After that first month though, it seemed to get easier.  The worst thing for me was seeing it in a glass.  The ads just before the movies made it incredibly challenging for me.  I recall sitting in the movie theater and closing my eyes so I wouldn't see the Coke ads.  The bubbles rolling up to the top made me crave it, but shortly after it was gone, I'd forget about it.  I had the same problem at home when my husband would pour a drink, but if he used a cup that wasn't see through, then it wasn't a problem -- luckily, he had no problem making that adjustment to support me and later giving up pop himself.  It was hard to go through a drive through and order a water when everyone else was getting a soda.  Usually once we drove off I'd be fine, but sometimes it would make me sad for quite awhile.  It feels like you're being left out and that makes it really hard to stick to the plan.  I made it through the tough times by telling myself, "I don't drink pop!"  Sometimes I needed to repeat it more than others, but just knowing that I was choosing not to drink it and that I was in control helped.  

In addition to celebrating the first week, second week, and month of being soda free, I also celebrated making it three months and six months.  After that I sort of forgot that I had ever even drank pop.  So, it is a little weird for me to be writing this to celebrate a year without it.  However, I think it's important.  I had contemplated this day for the first several months of quitting this habit.  I once thought, I'd celebrate once a year with a glass bottle of Coke and now that the day has arrived, I don't even want it.  While it might seem trivial to celebrate giving up soda, this is really what started my whole journey and I can't imagine making the decision to be healthy without ditching the soda. 




Tip #5 - Choose a bad habit to give up (just one) and challenge yourself to see how long you can go without it.  You might surprise yourself!

Enough with the Lies!

Back to the boots! 

Remember the boots that I bought online for Vegas and I said that maybe that was part of what unveiled the secret of my obesity?  Well, it was about two months after that when I contacted my doctor and told her that I needed to do something about my weight.  I was tired of trying a program and then quitting it after losing weight in the first week or two and then plateauing.  Worse yet, every time I quit a diet plan, I would gain back twice as much as I lost.  

In a way, I think the boots opened my eyes to the secret I was living.  Although, it could have been when I stepped on the scale and it read 294 pounds.  It was so close to 300 and I didn't want to go there, not even a little.  So, I told my doctor I wanted to look into weight loss surgery.  It was one of the hardest things I'd ever done (admitting that I was large enough to need weight loss surgery).  Just 10 pounds lighter and I wouldn't even consider it.  I mean, that's where I had been for years and weight loss surgery never even crossed my mind.  So, why was 294 so eye opening?  Although I had contacted the doctor, I hadn't told my husband.  I didn't know how to tell him.  I know he didn't think I was too heavy and weight loss surgery would scare him; he didn't want to lose me.  Within a few days, I got a letter from the weight loss department saying I was approved for the program.  I was overwhelmed with relief that I was finally going to get some help.  To be honest, I was scared to try to lose weight anymore; if I tried and failed, I knew I would gain even more.  I was excited to be accepted into the program, but also surprised that they would take someone who weighed what I did.... I didn't think it was enough.  

I went through months of pre-planning and learning how to eat mindfully.  The program was good and it taught me to slow down and use all of my senses when I ate something.  It also taught me to keep a food journal.  Although these were great lessons, I thought it was enough to eat mindfully and write it down.  Maybe it was at the time.  I mean I had been making poor food choices for years and maybe I needed two months to slow down and actually enjoy the foods I was eating while being honest about what exactly I put in my mouth.  By the end of the program, I had managed to gain weight.    

At the end of June, we took our family on a two week vacation to Hawaii.  I knew the plane ride would be a challenged.  On this trip, we would have our children and asking for a seatbelt extender was embarrassing.  Especially when my 10 year old was sitting next to me and was trying to make sure my seatbelt was going to fit.  It was emotionally overwhelming as it was, but when my husband had to ask the stewardess for the extender because he was on the outside (I never sit on the outside because I'm afraid people won't be able to get past me) I could no longer hold back my tears.  I pulled my sunglasses down and turned my head to hide my tears.  Once we landed, my secret was safe with me again.  I spent nearly every day of that two week vacation in a swimming suit.  I could spend all that time in Hawaii, living in a bathing suit carefree and feeling fabulous and there on the plane ride home I am snapped back to reality and exposed to my secret once again.  

Near the end of July, I weighed 306 pounds.  I had broke the 300 pound mark and it wasn't a secret anymore.  I no longer tied my shoes when my husband was in the room because it took so much effort and heavy breathing to accomplish this simple task.  I didn't want him to see me that way.  It wasn't just tying my shoes, everything had become harder and I realized how much I was depending on other people.  I asked people to do everything for me.  They even filled my plate and brought it to me on the couch (I'm so embarrassed to write that).  I had become so reliant on other people without even realizing it.  

It was in July, at 306 pounds and 50% BMI that I realized I was killing myself and ruining my children's lives.  I had become lazy.  My husband and children deserved a better me, but so did I.  If I wanted to give my family a chance at a better life and me a chance to live a better and longer life, I needed to take this more serious.  I couldn't keep going in and out of knowing that was obese.  I had to realize it and care enough to do something about it.  That didn't mean I couldn't still love myself the way I was, but that also meant I needed to make some changes; starting with being honest with myself.    

It was also in July that I read an article that Russell Wilson (my favorite QB) wrote (or talked in or something) about drinking soda and how bad it is for you.  So, I quit drinking soda.  Just like that!  We had given it up before, but we could never stick to it and I was drinking about 2 liters of diet pop a day before the day I decided I was done with it.  I just quit it.  It wasn't hard either.  It's been 8 months and I don't miss it at all... well, I miss it a little in alcoholic drinks, but I don't usually have a lot of those so it's not all that challenging.  

I wonder what gives us the ability to quit something we are addicted too?  Why is it so hard sometimes and easy others?  What makes us start those habits in the first place and how do we replace those habits with good ones?

Forgive and Forget

It seems that these events where I realize that I am in fact overweight are the exact moments in my life where I have tried to make changes in the past.  It takes something like a little boy standing in the window next to his doorway pointing and laughing and saying, "Ha, ha. You're fat!" (the only time someone ever called me fat) to make the realization.  

I would bet that every time I made a real effort to lose weight came after one of these life events that unveiled my secret obesity to myself.  After an event like the one mentioned above, I would join a gym, begin a workout plan, go no carbs, or record my eating habits.  The problem with all of these times is that I would lose 8-10 pounds on average (sometimes more as you can read about in my other blog) and then stop losing weight, give up, and then gain back two or three times the amount that I lost during my effort to become the skinny person I thought I was. 

I'd like to say that the boots (mentioned in yesterday's post) are what made me realize I was obese once and for all, but I think there is more to it.  You see, on the trip to Vegas, that was the first time I ever had to ask for a seat-belt extender on an airplane.  It brought me to tears.  I knew the seat-belts were tight, but for some reason asking for the extender was just too much.  Yet, in the end, I somehow convinced myself that it wasn't so bad to ask for the extender.  Why hadn't I been doing that all along?  It made the flight so much more comfortable.  Again, I turned something that should have been a major clue into unraveling my secret into something positive.

On that trip, I went on to overeat and consume hundreds of calories in soda each day.  Never feeling remorse, but instead feeling happy to be so cute in my clothes and so in love with my husband.  I never took any sort of responsibility for not fitting into the seat belt on the plane; after all, everyone knows those things are tiny anyway.  Right?  Part of me was even proud of myself for being able to look past the plane incident and enjoy my vacation like it never happened.  It is the ability that I have to forgive and forget (at least in the short-term) that has allowed me to move forward in my life living carefree, happy, and in denial of ever being obese.