Will I always have to do this?

It's a funny thing weighing your food and counting calories.  I mean it's inconceivable for me to think that there are other people out there that weigh their food and record it for every meal.  I guess it's that kind of cockiness that has gotten me to where I am today.  It's almost like if I don't believe anyone else could be recording their food then it must not be happening and if skinny people everywhere aren't weighing and recording their food then why should I have to?  

A month or so ago, I reread one of my journal entries from 2005; I wrote, "Will I always have to write down everything I eat.  Will this be something I have to do for the rest of my life?"  Every time I started a new diet, I started a new journal.... I have all these journal entries that start with me being excited and ready to lose weight and then after just a few entries, they stop.  No real signs of success and definitely no sign of persistence. 

I laughed when I read that entry.  I stumbled upon it at the perfect moment.  A moment when I was down, hadn't been recording my food, and was wondering why I had to record my food when other people didn't... of course, I have no idea if other people have to record their food.  Yet, at that moment in time, I felt like the stress from life was too much to handle adding the commitment of weighing and recording food.  Stress is something that often stops me from doing the things that are best for me.  It's another element of my anxiety.   

My hubby did start making us portioned lunches, healthy and weighed for the entire week.  I loved having these meals pre-made and they tasted great.  Like all things hard, we weren't great about keeping that going consistently and besides eating just my pre-made lunch, I was supplementing heavily with candy.  Something I LOVE.... I think I've mentioned that before.  

It's easy to think you're eating healthy because you do one or two things correctly and it's also easy to eat poorly because you think you're eating healthy.  I guess for people who eat healthy all the time or 90% of the time, they may not need to record their food.  I am not one of those people who eats healthy all the time.  I like to eat healthy, but I also love hamburgers and pizza and Chinese food and candy.... ya know all the really bad stuff.  So for me, I probably will have to record my food for the rest of my life and I'm going to have to learn to stop worrying if it's something that everyone else has to do or not.  It's clearly something I need to do.  I know it works for me and that should be reason enough.  

So for now, I need to get back on the wagon.  Those 18 pounds I've gained since December aren't going to lose themselves. 

130 lbs... The Good and The Bad

Last year on January 6th (2017), on weighed 190.6 lbs.  It took a long time, but finally on November 17th, 2017, I hit a big goal.  I weighed in at 176 lbs, I had lost 130 lbs!  It felt great and was only temporarily rewarding as the following week I had gained weight.  My weight went up and down over the next month and I finally dropped down to 175 on December 18th.  It felt good and I was looking forward to seeing that 174....  However, that never came.  Last Friday on my weigh in day, I weighed 182.2 lbs.  It scares me to see the scale go back up into the 80s.  I know I need to make some changes.... Most importantly, I need to record my food again.  I cannot stress how important recording your food is for weight loss.  It is keeps you honest!  

So, technically I have lost 130 lbs (probably 2 or 3 times in my life if we can count each time I gained and lost weight - which we probably should do that).... I just need to get back down to that weight again.  

Losing 130 pounds really was amazing!  I lost my entire self as a senior in high school!  That is insane!  I have energy to move (not so much energy to think) and I can jog further than I remember being able to in a long time.... I mean I can JOG!  That in itself is impressive!  I can tie my shoes and I don't run out of breath.  I have extra room in my coat.  I can buy clothes from the women's section.  All my rings fit (even my high school ring) and some are even too big!  I can paintball with my husband and kids.  I can hike mountains.  

When I look in the mirror or see a picture of myself, I am me again!

Now, the negatives and yes most of them may be superficial, but they are negatives and interrupt my everyday life in one way or another.  

1. SKIN - Lots of extra skin!  This is the worst one really.  My face (my whole face) sags now.  It's okay if I smile, but if I get caught in a photo without a smile, I look like a bloodhound.  Oh, and those wrinkles show up more predominately too.  I have extra skin that hangs off of my thighs when I try to do planks.  And saddle bags for days... it kind of hangs over, almost folds over.  I have skin that hangs off of my tricep area (lots of it) and this is something that really bothers my nieces and nephews (me too).  They like to touch it and ask me if it hurts... um no!  They also want to know if I want it there... um no!  Of course, they don't know what to say, they are just being honest.  In addition to my face, thighs, and my arms, I have skin that hangs off of my belly.... this is DEFINITELY the worst area.  It makes noise when I jump or sit fast (and sadly, sometimes it sounds like I farted when I didn't.... but I think I'd rather people thought I farted than I had a giant flap of skin that plopped down and made a fart noise).  It hangs and flops when I exercise, when I lean over, when I'm intimate.... Pretty much anytime I move!  If I could afford skin removal surgery, this would be my first stop!  It's so horribly embarrassing for me.  
2. BOOBS - I guess I still have boobs.... According to my bra size anyway (36 DD).  Still, I really think I have something that is better described as skin flaps....  Yeah, gross.  I must say 5 months ago, this would have been my number one concern.  However, they have improved a little and are starting to get some of their elasticity back.  Still, they can fold in half.... yeah, I don't know how else to explain that.  They also flop and fall flat whenever I move.  The good news here is they can hide in a bra!  So, people see them as normal.  Therefore, on my skin removal surgery list, this has to move to #2.  
3. Hypoglycemia - Yeah, I'm not diabetic and it's hard to convince the doctor that this is what's happening to me, but the signs are all there.  It generally happens once a month (sometimes more) and I can't quite figure out why.  The episodes are short (less than 15 minutes usually) and can quickly be resolved by eating 5 lifesavers.... I don't know.  I just know it works.  It's a trick I learned by reading about helping kids who were having an episode.  The worst thing is that I literally sweat through all of my clothes.  Okay, that might not be the worst thing....  I also get very shaky and incoherent.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to start having seizures (I don't know what that feels like, but I feel very weird). 
4. I have nothing else really pressing, but I'd like to go back to #1 and 2.  I thought I would be strong enough to let the skin issues go, but I was wrong.  It is very hard on you mentally.  I can see all the health benefits, but I can actually SEE all the skin and sadly for me, most of the time that gets in the way of me being completely happy. (Sorry, I don't have many pictures that really show the extra skin... even if I did, I'm not sure I'd like to post them....)
   
   

Overall, losing 130 lbs is great, but it is important to know that there are some real struggles when it comes to the extra skin!  Hopefully one day I'll be able to afford the surgeries I want and hopefully they will help me feel more comfortable.  Until then, I need to keep on working towards my goal.  I'd still like to weigh 160....  My original 10 year goal was to weigh 140, but I'm not sure if I really want to weigh that amount anymore.... Right now, I'm just trying to get back down to 176.  

Grandma Sharron

Grandma and Me - Graduation 1998

Death is strange.  I wonder why certain people are chosen?  It always shocks me when someone healthy dies of a disease or cancer or some "natural" cause.  These are people who have taken care of their bodies, exercise often, fuel themselves with healthy foods....  Why them and not someone like me?  

For someone who is already a procrastinator (me), I find it very unmotivating when someone seemingly healthy dies or develops health complications.  In fact, I actually regress a little.  If the goal of becoming healthy is to live a longer better life, then why doesn't that necessarily happen?  I worry that by getting healthier I will actually be changing my body so much that it will start to fail me -- strange, I know!

Grandma With My Two Oldest Daughters

About six and a half years ago, my grandma died.  She was overweight for as long as I knew her, but she didn't start out that way.  We had a similar weight path I think.  It seemed like she was on a diet quite often and there were a couple diets that almost killed (as I remember it).  My grandma didn't die from being over weight, she died from starvation caused by Dementia.  Before the onset of her Dementia, she was in a car accident and then her medical issues began to pile up.  During the last few months, she was convinced that the hospital staff was trying to poison her and she had stopped eating. Dementia is a horrible disease.  I dream of the day there is a cure!  

What I don't understand is what causes it's sudden onset?  I wonder if my grandmother's weight had an effect on the start of the disease.  It's something that has bothered me for years.  I gained quite a bit of weight after my grandma's death and yet, her death made me wonder about my food choices and life expectancy if I continued on that way.  Still, it was years later before I finally hit my low and started this whole process.  

And now, as the weight is starting to come off and I'm down nearly 85 pounds, I worry about the negative effects the weight-loss might have on me.  I'm sure the positive are much greater than the negative, but nonetheless, I worry!  Truthfully, all the anxiety, stress, and worry I place on everything will probably kill me long before the weight or lack thereof.  

Forgive and Forget

It seems that these events where I realize that I am in fact overweight are the exact moments in my life where I have tried to make changes in the past.  It takes something like a little boy standing in the window next to his doorway pointing and laughing and saying, "Ha, ha. You're fat!" (the only time someone ever called me fat) to make the realization.  

I would bet that every time I made a real effort to lose weight came after one of these life events that unveiled my secret obesity to myself.  After an event like the one mentioned above, I would join a gym, begin a workout plan, go no carbs, or record my eating habits.  The problem with all of these times is that I would lose 8-10 pounds on average (sometimes more as you can read about in my other blog) and then stop losing weight, give up, and then gain back two or three times the amount that I lost during my effort to become the skinny person I thought I was. 

I'd like to say that the boots (mentioned in yesterday's post) are what made me realize I was obese once and for all, but I think there is more to it.  You see, on the trip to Vegas, that was the first time I ever had to ask for a seat-belt extender on an airplane.  It brought me to tears.  I knew the seat-belts were tight, but for some reason asking for the extender was just too much.  Yet, in the end, I somehow convinced myself that it wasn't so bad to ask for the extender.  Why hadn't I been doing that all along?  It made the flight so much more comfortable.  Again, I turned something that should have been a major clue into unraveling my secret into something positive.

On that trip, I went on to overeat and consume hundreds of calories in soda each day.  Never feeling remorse, but instead feeling happy to be so cute in my clothes and so in love with my husband.  I never took any sort of responsibility for not fitting into the seat belt on the plane; after all, everyone knows those things are tiny anyway.  Right?  Part of me was even proud of myself for being able to look past the plane incident and enjoy my vacation like it never happened.  It is the ability that I have to forgive and forget (at least in the short-term) that has allowed me to move forward in my life living carefree, happy, and in denial of ever being obese.

What's "Secretly Obese"

I've been overweight for more than 18 years.  Still, I never really see myself as being obese.  Most of the time, I don't even see myself as overweight.  Yet, for 18 years, I've been trying to do something about my weight.  Well, sort of.  You see, I would try to do something about my weight for a little while, but I always fell short of actually accomplishing anything.  The reason why I struggled so much was because most of the time, I saw myself as skinny.  Yes, skinny!  I know it's crazy to think that someone who weighs over 200 pounds sees them self as skinny, but that's exactly what I felt.  I never believed I was fat.  In fact, most of the time when I talked about my weight I still would say one hundred ------ whatever, I was so blind that I didn't even have the first digit right and it was a big one!

In my heart, in my mind, I view myself as skinny.  That is until I step on a scale, look at a photograph of myself, go clothes shopping, or try to squeeze through a small space.  All of these things are rather brief moments in time.  Something I can either avoid (don't be in photos or use a scale) or put out of my mind once the experience is over (clothes are purchased or airplane ride is over).  Then, I quickly return to viewing myself as skinny.  I would say I have a pretty healthy self-esteem.

The problem with this "healthy" self-esteem is that I never viewed myself as fat for long enough to do something about it.  I mean really make a change.  Something lasting that would positively impact my life both physically and emotionally.  Sure, I've keep weight loss diaries and journals in the past.  I've tried weight loss programs repeatedly, worked-out, kept food journals.  You name it, I've probably tried.  With the exception of weight loss pills.  Still, I always fell back into my old habits.  I see myself as skinny and I don't think I eat very much.  So, naturally, I convince myself that whatever weight I'm currently at is my "ideal weight."  Sounds silly right?  Well, not so much when you never really view yourself as obese.  

While I'm proud of my positive self image and willingness to try anything that isn't restricted by my weight, I am worried that this unrealistic idea of what my weight really is and what it's doing to me is going to be passed on to my children.  I think it's healthy to have a positive body image, but to what degree?



My Previous Blog:  Struggling With Weight Loss