Forgive and Forget

It seems that these events where I realize that I am in fact overweight are the exact moments in my life where I have tried to make changes in the past.  It takes something like a little boy standing in the window next to his doorway pointing and laughing and saying, "Ha, ha. You're fat!" (the only time someone ever called me fat) to make the realization.  

I would bet that every time I made a real effort to lose weight came after one of these life events that unveiled my secret obesity to myself.  After an event like the one mentioned above, I would join a gym, begin a workout plan, go no carbs, or record my eating habits.  The problem with all of these times is that I would lose 8-10 pounds on average (sometimes more as you can read about in my other blog) and then stop losing weight, give up, and then gain back two or three times the amount that I lost during my effort to become the skinny person I thought I was. 

I'd like to say that the boots (mentioned in yesterday's post) are what made me realize I was obese once and for all, but I think there is more to it.  You see, on the trip to Vegas, that was the first time I ever had to ask for a seat-belt extender on an airplane.  It brought me to tears.  I knew the seat-belts were tight, but for some reason asking for the extender was just too much.  Yet, in the end, I somehow convinced myself that it wasn't so bad to ask for the extender.  Why hadn't I been doing that all along?  It made the flight so much more comfortable.  Again, I turned something that should have been a major clue into unraveling my secret into something positive.

On that trip, I went on to overeat and consume hundreds of calories in soda each day.  Never feeling remorse, but instead feeling happy to be so cute in my clothes and so in love with my husband.  I never took any sort of responsibility for not fitting into the seat belt on the plane; after all, everyone knows those things are tiny anyway.  Right?  Part of me was even proud of myself for being able to look past the plane incident and enjoy my vacation like it never happened.  It is the ability that I have to forgive and forget (at least in the short-term) that has allowed me to move forward in my life living carefree, happy, and in denial of ever being obese.