Grandma Sharron

Grandma and Me - Graduation 1998

Death is strange.  I wonder why certain people are chosen?  It always shocks me when someone healthy dies of a disease or cancer or some "natural" cause.  These are people who have taken care of their bodies, exercise often, fuel themselves with healthy foods....  Why them and not someone like me?  

For someone who is already a procrastinator (me), I find it very unmotivating when someone seemingly healthy dies or develops health complications.  In fact, I actually regress a little.  If the goal of becoming healthy is to live a longer better life, then why doesn't that necessarily happen?  I worry that by getting healthier I will actually be changing my body so much that it will start to fail me -- strange, I know!

Grandma With My Two Oldest Daughters

About six and a half years ago, my grandma died.  She was overweight for as long as I knew her, but she didn't start out that way.  We had a similar weight path I think.  It seemed like she was on a diet quite often and there were a couple diets that almost killed (as I remember it).  My grandma didn't die from being over weight, she died from starvation caused by Dementia.  Before the onset of her Dementia, she was in a car accident and then her medical issues began to pile up.  During the last few months, she was convinced that the hospital staff was trying to poison her and she had stopped eating. Dementia is a horrible disease.  I dream of the day there is a cure!  

What I don't understand is what causes it's sudden onset?  I wonder if my grandmother's weight had an effect on the start of the disease.  It's something that has bothered me for years.  I gained quite a bit of weight after my grandma's death and yet, her death made me wonder about my food choices and life expectancy if I continued on that way.  Still, it was years later before I finally hit my low and started this whole process.  

And now, as the weight is starting to come off and I'm down nearly 85 pounds, I worry about the negative effects the weight-loss might have on me.  I'm sure the positive are much greater than the negative, but nonetheless, I worry!  Truthfully, all the anxiety, stress, and worry I place on everything will probably kill me long before the weight or lack thereof.