Remember the boots that I bought online for Vegas and I said that maybe that was part of what unveiled the secret of my obesity? Well, it was about two months after that when I contacted my doctor and told her that I needed to do something about my weight. I was tired of trying a program and then quitting it after losing weight in the first week or two and then plateauing. Worse yet, every time I quit a diet plan, I would gain back twice as much as I lost.
In a way, I think the boots opened my eyes to the secret I was living. Although, it could have been when I stepped on the scale and it read 294 pounds. It was so close to 300 and I didn't want to go there, not even a little. So, I told my doctor I wanted to look into weight loss surgery. It was one of the hardest things I'd ever done (admitting that I was large enough to need weight loss surgery). Just 10 pounds lighter and I wouldn't even consider it. I mean, that's where I had been for years and weight loss surgery never even crossed my mind. So, why was 294 so eye opening? Although I had contacted the doctor, I hadn't told my husband. I didn't know how to tell him. I know he didn't think I was too heavy and weight loss surgery would scare him; he didn't want to lose me. Within a few days, I got a letter from the weight loss department saying I was approved for the program. I was overwhelmed with relief that I was finally going to get some help. To be honest, I was scared to try to lose weight anymore; if I tried and failed, I knew I would gain even more. I was excited to be accepted into the program, but also surprised that they would take someone who weighed what I did.... I didn't think it was enough.
I went through months of pre-planning and learning how to eat mindfully. The program was good and it taught me to slow down and use all of my senses when I ate something. It also taught me to keep a food journal. Although these were great lessons, I thought it was enough to eat mindfully and write it down. Maybe it was at the time. I mean I had been making poor food choices for years and maybe I needed two months to slow down and actually enjoy the foods I was eating while being honest about what exactly I put in my mouth. By the end of the program, I had managed to gain weight.
At the end of June, we took our family on a two week vacation to Hawaii. I knew the plane ride would be a challenged. On this trip, we would have our children and asking for a seatbelt extender was embarrassing. Especially when my 10 year old was sitting next to me and was trying to make sure my seatbelt was going to fit. It was emotionally overwhelming as it was, but when my husband had to ask the stewardess for the extender because he was on the outside (I never sit on the outside because I'm afraid people won't be able to get past me) I could no longer hold back my tears. I pulled my sunglasses down and turned my head to hide my tears. Once we landed, my secret was safe with me again. I spent nearly every day of that two week vacation in a swimming suit. I could spend all that time in Hawaii, living in a bathing suit carefree and feeling fabulous and there on the plane ride home I am snapped back to reality and exposed to my secret once again. Near the end of July, I weighed 306 pounds. I had broke the 300 pound mark and it wasn't a secret anymore. I no longer tied my shoes when my husband was in the room because it took so much effort and heavy breathing to accomplish this simple task. I didn't want him to see me that way. It wasn't just tying my shoes, everything had become harder and I realized how much I was depending on other people. I asked people to do everything for me. They even filled my plate and brought it to me on the couch (I'm so embarrassed to write that). I had become so reliant on other people without even realizing it.
It was in July, at 306 pounds and 50% BMI that I realized I was killing myself and ruining my children's lives. I had become lazy. My husband and children deserved a better me, but so did I. If I wanted to give my family a chance at a better life and me a chance to live a better and longer life, I needed to take this more serious. I couldn't keep going in and out of knowing that was obese. I had to realize it and care enough to do something about it. That didn't mean I couldn't still love myself the way I was, but that also meant I needed to make some changes; starting with being honest with myself.
It was also in July that I read an article that Russell Wilson (my favorite QB) wrote (or talked in or something) about drinking soda and how bad it is for you. So, I quit drinking soda. Just like that! We had given it up before, but we could never stick to it and I was drinking about 2 liters of diet pop a day before the day I decided I was done with it. I just quit it. It wasn't hard either. It's been 8 months and I don't miss it at all... well, I miss it a little in alcoholic drinks, but I don't usually have a lot of those so it's not all that challenging.
I wonder what gives us the ability to quit something we are addicted too? Why is it so hard sometimes and easy others? What makes us start those habits in the first place and how do we replace those habits with good ones?
