Envy

So the other night, I was scrolling through Facebook and saw this post from an old friend.  I read through the comments and recognized someone I hadn't seen since about the 5th or 6th grade (maybe before that).  I tend to think that I don't forget about people, but this person hadn't crossed my mind for 20 years.  I went into total stalker mode -- Facebook is good for that.

After going through several of her photos, I realized she's still got "it."  Sadly, I was not happy for this 36 year old woman who seemed to have a pretty great life and the body/looks to match.  Instead, I went into total judgement/comparison mode and ended in a jealous-anxiety fit.  Immediately, I go into thanking my husband for marrying me (and I am very thankful for that) and spouting off depressing things about him not having the opportunity to find someone better!  WTF?!  I mean, I was fine! FINE! five minutes before that.  Proud of the life I have, the marriage I have, the kids I have raised, the career I've chosen, the weight I've lost....

This crazy behavior proves that although I'm "working on it," I still have a long way to go!  The good thing is, I was able to fall asleep and actually sleep.  The better thing is, I woke up refreshed and thinking why in the world are you comparing two totally different lives with one another?  I think this is progress.  This is something that could have brought me down for quite sometime.

I'm about to make a judgement/comparison/jealousy statement (admitting you have a problem is the first step - I think):  I am so envious of some of my friends who lead their lives full of happiness and love for others.  I try to do that, sometimes I think I do...maybe I need to give myself more credit, but these people amaze me.  I love them to pieces because they look at the world with an open mind.  Although I pretend to do this, I'm not as good at it as I'd like to believe.  I think deep down (maybe not that deep), I feel like if I open up to this person or that person, I might get duped.  Maybe they don't really like me, they're only pretending, and then someday they'll attack (whatever that means).  For this reason, I keep a guard up....  I cannot remember anyone ever doing something like this to me, but I remember feeling like this as far back as grade school.  This seems quite demented and makes me wonder why I have this strange fear.  

In high school, this boy kept asking me to a dance - so often it was really annoying.  I never said yes, but I probably would have if I didn't think that he was joking.  I thought it was just a prank.  He was a good friend and I liked him as a person, but I really thought there was some surprise ending that was lurking in the shadows if I said yes.  Why?  What would make me think that?  It's surprising that I said yes when my now hubby asked me out the first time.  It's probably because the risk was worth the reward.    

I think the woman on Facebook reminded me that I'm not the only lady out there.... Seriously, sometimes I forget.  It makes me question if I'm good enough for my husband; which is just awful and he's never treated me as if I wasn't.  It's just another irrational fear that I can't figure out where it stems from.  It's like I think, if he sees this woman and sees how hot she is then maybe he'll wish he had dated her instead.  Sad fact, I've deleted people from my Facebook page because they were too pretty....  What it the hell is wrong with me!

I'll take the small victory of being able to let it go quickly, but I wonder if I'll ever be able figure out what causes me to react this way.  Maybe it doesn't matter what causes it, only that I fix it.  Now, how do I do that?

Listen to Your Mother

My Mom and Me 1998

My mother has this saying, "What people say behind your back is none of your business."  At first it seems sort of weird to think about.  I mean, why wouldn't people talking about me be my business?  Then, the more you think through it you realize just how ingenious it really is. 

I've heard my mom say that saying countless times.  I never really thought it applied to me, because I truly believed that I didn't care what people think.  And, in some cases, I'll say that is true, but in the case of my weight, it seems like I need that saying more than ever.  I wonder what her saying would be if someone is talking about you to you....  I'll have to ask.

Today, my husband reminded me that part of my journey through this whole weight loss/freeing my body and mind thing has to be letting go of what others say or do.  It also has to somehow change how I am effected by what people say or think about me; or more likely, what I think they are thinking/saying about me.  

I've made a lot of gains both mentally and physically, but I know that I still have a long way to go.  That is especially evident when I am caught off guard by something someone says.  You know that scene in Pretty Woman (1990), at the polo match where Phillip tells Vivian that he knows about her little secret and you can see Vivian's demeanor change?  She seems caught off guard, sick to her stomach, and betrayed.  Sometimes people say things that make me feel like Julia Roberts in that scene.  I feel abandoned and like I want to give up on everything and go back to the way things were a year ago.  It's confusing and frustrating at the same time and it always seems to break my heart.

Although I am working through all of my issues, I'm far from healed.  I have no idea how long it will take me to heal emotionally. Just because I wrote about an issue, doesn't mean it no longer exists -- I wish that were the case.  Likewise, just because I may seem fine on the outside, that doesn't mean that I'm not still fragile and shattered on the inside. 

As I work towards mending, I need to remember my mother's saying and what really matters in life.



**Tip #4 - If you don't respect yourself, no one else will.  Take time for you.  Put make-up on, fix your hair, do you nails, relax and enjoy the little things.  You're worth it.  


PS - I like Jamberry nail wraps, they last longer....