Dressing Room Saga Two Doors Down

I continued my search for the perfect (or at least one that would fit) bikini top yesterday.  This time, we headed to the mall for more variety and I was certain I would find it somewhere.  The biggest challenge has been finding the swimming suits.  It's mid July and apparently all the inventory is gone.  It seems crazy that they wouldn't stock their racks better.  People wear swimming suits all year around, but I guess they don't like to purchase them in July.  

Of course, once I did find the swim suit section, there was very little to choose from and even less for busty people.... In most stores, I haven't found a single bikini top that would fit anyone who wears a size D or larger.  After the first store, I decided to move on to stores that I knew sold plus sizes.  

I found myself in a Torrid dressing room with two bikini tops and a tankini.  Neither of the bikini tops were all that attractive, but I was hoping they'd at least fit.  Sadly, neither of them would hold the girls up -- looking for a little support here.  I moved on to the tankini, it wasn't what I was looking for, but it was cute.  As I posed (smile and all) for a selfie in the flamingo adorned top, I heard the woman who worked there usher two more people into the dressing room just down from me.  Then I heard her ask someone if she was okay.  I heard another voice respond, "She's just sad.  She went to Victoria Secret because they were supposed to be having a big sale on swimming suits and nothing fit her."  The next part was mumbled, but I heard her finish with, "She leaves for Idaho in two days."  Before the salesperson left the dressing room area, she told assured the woman that it would be okay and they would take care of her.  After she was gone, while sobbing, I heard the woman say, "I don't think it will fit past my hips."  She continued to cry as the person in the room with her offered her support and encouragement.  I wanted to stay and see how it ended, but I was done and needed to go.  As I walked out of the dressing area, I saw a mother and younger child searching the sparse selection of swim suits in hopes of finding one that would work for her daughter, the one in the dressing room who had been crying.  I never saw the person in the dressing room so I don't know how old she was.  It hurt me even more to think that this might be a teenager struggling with her weight, her self-identity, and her self-worth.

The scene was all too familiar for me.  I too have found myself crying in the Torrid dressing room.  The people who work there are amazing and I'm sure they helped the girl/woman feel better and I'm hoping they found her something to wear on her trip.  Still, trying on clothes is a scary thing for anyone who's a little overweight (or a lot overweight).  I felt so much pain for the person in the dressing room next to me.  Why can't heavy people just go buy something off of the shelf?  If America is really that fat, why don't they have more clothes for fat people?  It's especially hard when you need a specialty item like a swimming suit, but right now, I can't even find a pair of shorts.  The other issue is that clothes for skinny people are generally cuter.  I picked up two "identical" bikini tops yesterday, one was a size XL and the other was a size 16/18.  The XL (which by the way is probably a C cup) was super cute, but the 16/18 had been modified and wasn't cute at all.  I left Torrid empty handed and heart broken for the person I left crying in the dressing room.  I'm starting to think this search might be harder than I thought and maybe I just need to wear my bra!  At least it supports me and looks cute.  

I've LOST a Whole Child!

At this point in my weight loss journey, I'm usually not too afraid to step on the scale.  While it still seems unreal, I have lost 90 pounds in the past year.  I've also lost two inches off of my neck (crazy huh!), 6 inches off my hips, and 13 inches off my waist.  I wish I had taken measurements of my other body parts.  I know at one time I had that all written down in one of the weight loss journals I had started, but I guess I gave up on that and finally threw it away because I can't find it anywhere.  I'd love to know how much I've lost off of my thighs and arms.  I know I've lost something off of my calves because regular boots fit, but I have no idea how much.  

To help put my 90 pound loss into a little more perspective, my husband likes to compare my pounds lost to my eleven-year-old son.  He weighs about 87 pounds.  Chew on that for a bit!  Yeah, I've lost an entire child -- an eleven-year-old child...a sixth grader!  For that, I am grateful.  I am proud!  And, most of the time I am happy.  I've packed him around on my back a few times and really, it doesn't feel like much weight.  Still, I know that 90 pounds off of my back and knees is a great improvement.  Not to mention my resting heart rate is now around 56 beats per minute.... Athletes are between 40 and 60 beats per minute.  Also, my blood pressure is really good.  So, not only do my clothes fit better, but I'm doing something that (hopefully) is making my quality and length of life better.  Still, I've got a ways to go and I'm not losing sight of my end goal just yet.

For the most part, I find myself enjoying every day.  I find ways to get out of the house as much as possible, which is hard for me because of my anxiety, but if I just go do it, then I'm usually okay.  In addition, I like to look at clothes.... I wouldn't go as far as to say I like shopping, but I do like to look and daydream about what I might look like in certain outfits.  I brave the dressing room a lot more now too.  Despite the fact that many of the clothes I pick out still don't fit, I try not to let it bother me too much.  

I'm currently on the hunt for a bikini top and some shorts.  This has proven to be challenging.  It seems like they only sell bikini tops in youth sizes....  Or that's what it looks like when I try them on.  If I was going to use Doritos to cover my boobs, I'd do that!  And, at a fraction of the cost!  I get it, you don't want girls without a tiny frame sporting a bikini, but I'm not going to wear it for the whole world.  I just want something comfortable to wear around family... you know, the people who won't judge me.  I'm not giving up.  I'm going to find it, it might cost me an arm and a leg, but I'll find it.

In addition to the bikini top, I've found it hard to find good shorts.  I don't quite understand why a size 18 is not always a size 18.  Why aren't there standard sizes?  Tonight I picked up three pairs of size 18 shorts off of the same rack (same brand) and one of them was much larger than the other two pairs -- like three inches bigger.  Of course, I tried on the larger ones first and they didn't even fit comfortably.  This confuses me because I have a size 16 pair of jeans that fit me great.  How in the world can we make girls feel good about their size if they can't even figure out what size they are?  

I think part of the issue for me is that sometimes the clothes are "juniors" and sometimes they are "womens."  Why is a size 18 in juniors different than a size 18 in womens?  Or how do we make it more clear so I know what size pants I'm trying on before I get into the dressing room.  It's really very frustrating.  I think there is also a plus size 18.....  JUST FIGURE IT OUT PEOPLE!  Quit messing with our heads.  

In short (ha, ha - get it - shorts), I'll continue to search for shorts and keep trying them on no matter what.  I can't let little things get to me.  If I could realize I was obese for short periods of time and then forget about it, I can surely feel crummy about not fitting something for a short period of time and then forget about it.  And, really, I think it's more important that I feel healthy physically and mentally then worry about what size pants I'm wearing.  

Until tomorrow.  

Dressing Room Anxiety

5/20/16

Yes, my pants are falling off.  :)  Pants that were once too tight to tie my shoes in are now falling off... well they have been for a few months.  Last month I had to buy all new pants.  Shopping is an emotional experience.  On one hand, if feels amazing to be buying new clothes, on the other hand, it sucks that I don't know what size I am..... and every brand seems to be so different.  It's strange and I find myself headed toward the plus size section of the store even though I can fit in the ladies clothing (larger sizes of course).  I just feel comfortable in the plus size section of the store.  I know (or used to know) that I'm a size 2x or 3x in shirts and 22 or 24 in pants.  It's easy for me to shop there and I usually don't have to try anything on because I already know my size.

First Pair of Jeans 5/20/16

Now, I don't know my size and I'm forced to enter the dressing room and try on new things.  Sometimes they fit, most of the time they don't.  It's tricky and dressing rooms have never been a very fun place for me.  Still, my first experience shopping for jeans wasn't too bad.  I tried on about 12 pairs (I don't know, but it felt like 12) and only 2 fit, but it was a start.  I left the store with a pair of 18's and a pair of 16's....WHAT?!  16's?  I don't even
remember ever wearing that size.  To be fair, I only really remember being a size 8/9, then a size 18, and finally a size 22/24.  I don't know what happened between 8/9 and size 18.  I must have lived in sweats???  Not sure.


More recently, my shopping experience was a little more positive and I was able to fit almost all of the clothes I tried on.  That doesn't mean I liked all of them, but it was nice to have an idea of what size I was.... I stuck to size 18 as I think those size 16's were a fluke, but who knows.

I'm not scared to try things on now.  I still don't like the dressing room, but I'm okay with trying things on just to see if they fit.  A couple weeks ago we walked through Cabela's and I picked up a size Large coat and tried it on.  I've been able to wear Large T-shirts since March (they're stretchy), but I was extremely surprised and overwhelmed with joy when I tried on the size Large coat and it actually fit. I didn't cry, but the smile on my face must have been priceless.  I also don't remember a time when I wore size large.  To be fair, I don't remember my shirt size really.  I've been an XL for a long time until about Sept. of 2014 when I started to buy size XXL.  So, size large seems so tiny to me.

"Normal" Boots 7/1/16

BOOTS!  Oh, boots!  Well, since this whole thing started with boots, it shouldn't be any surprise that I've been waiting to see if I could buy normal sized boots off the shelf.  Last week my son and I went to Goodwill and I bought 3 pairs of normal sized boots because they all fit my calves.  I also bought three pairs of jeans (not from the plus section).  It's nice to have a wider variety of clothing options.  Excited to go down a couple more sizes so that the selection options improve even more!

Trying on Clothes 6/20/16

Why is shopping so hard for me?  Is it like this for everyone?  I get very anxious as I'm holding clothes and attempting to enter the dressing room.  I'd much rather buy them and take them home to see if they fit or not.  Sometimes it takes me awhile to get into the dressing room with the clothes while other times, I don't even go in.  I usually tell my husband that I'm not ready for this.  Shouldn't buying smaller clothes be fun and exciting?  For now, I'll keep pushing myself to go to the store and try on things (good or bad).