To help put my 90 pound loss into a little more perspective, my husband likes to compare my pounds lost to my eleven-year-old son. He weighs about 87 pounds. Chew on that for a bit! Yeah, I've lost an entire child -- an eleven-year-old child...a sixth grader! For that, I am grateful. I am proud! And, most of the time I am happy. I've packed him around on my back a few times and really, it doesn't feel like much weight. Still, I know that 90 pounds off of my back and knees is a great improvement. Not to mention my resting heart rate is now around 56 beats per minute.... Athletes are between 40 and 60 beats per minute. Also, my blood pressure is really good. So, not only do my clothes fit better, but I'm doing something that (hopefully) is making my quality and length of life better. Still, I've got a ways to go and I'm not losing sight of my end goal just yet.
For the most part, I find myself enjoying every day. I find ways to get out of the house as much as possible, which is hard for me because of my anxiety, but if I just go do it, then I'm usually okay. In addition, I like to look at clothes.... I wouldn't go as far as to say I like shopping, but I do like to look and daydream about what I might look like in certain outfits. I brave the dressing room a lot more now too. Despite the fact that many of the clothes I pick out still don't fit, I try not to let it bother me too much.
I'm currently on the hunt for a bikini top and some shorts. This has proven to be challenging. It seems like they only sell bikini tops in youth sizes.... Or that's what it looks like when I try them on. If I was going to use Doritos to cover my boobs, I'd do that! And, at a fraction of the cost! I get it, you don't want girls without a tiny frame sporting a bikini, but I'm not going to wear it for the whole world. I just want something comfortable to wear around family... you know, the people who won't judge me. I'm not giving up. I'm going to find it, it might cost me an arm and a leg, but I'll find it.
In addition to the bikini top, I've found it hard to find good shorts. I don't quite understand why a size 18 is not always a size 18. Why aren't there standard sizes? Tonight I picked up three pairs of size 18 shorts off of the same rack (same brand) and one of them was much larger than the other two pairs -- like three inches bigger. Of course, I tried on the larger ones first and they didn't even fit comfortably. This confuses me because I have a size 16 pair of jeans that fit me great. How in the world can we make girls feel good about their size if they can't even figure out what size they are?
I think part of the issue for me is that sometimes the clothes are "juniors" and sometimes they are "womens." Why is a size 18 in juniors different than a size 18 in womens? Or how do we make it more clear so I know what size pants I'm trying on before I get into the dressing room. It's really very frustrating. I think there is also a plus size 18..... JUST FIGURE IT OUT PEOPLE! Quit messing with our heads.
In short (ha, ha - get it - shorts), I'll continue to search for shorts and keep trying them on no matter what. I can't let little things get to me. If I could realize I was obese for short periods of time and then forget about it, I can surely feel crummy about not fitting something for a short period of time and then forget about it. And, really, I think it's more important that I feel healthy physically and mentally then worry about what size pants I'm wearing.
Until tomorrow.
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