Have you lost a lot of weight?

Well, it took months, but people started noticing my weight loss!  Also, my pants started to fall off.  It's weird how you can go months without people saying anything and then all of a sudden, everyone is asking if you've lost weight.  Maybe this happens faster for different people, but it has taken me about 10 months for people to realize.  It was really only in this last month that people started asking me.  And I always tell them yes and how much weight I've lost and let them know I'm working on it.  

You'd think I'd love people seeing the results of my hard work, but ironically, I don't.  I really hate it when people tell me they didn't recognize me or that I look so different.  To me, I look the same -- part of being secretly obese I presume.  So as you can imagine it's hard when someone says you look different.  That's insinuating that I actually did look different than the image I have of myself in my head.  Now, don't get my wrong, looking through pictures I can clearly see a difference, but that's in a pictures....We're talking about real life!  

Senior Year

What I've discovered is that this fear of people commenting on my body or how good I look (their words, not mine) may be one of the largest reasons I gained so much weight over the past 15 years (or maybe even 20 years).  You see, when I was in 8th grade, I started getting noticed by boys.  There was this one high school boy that would touch my leg or my back and then have some comment about how good I looked whenever I was around him.  I didn't like it, but I didn't stop it.  I didn't know how to and I definitely wasn't going to say anything to my dad.  It was fine then because I was single, but when I started dating my now husband, it was confusing and hard for me to know what to say to people who made comments or looked at me a little too long.  Even after being married for 6 years I had someone ask me to send them photos.  I was heavier then, but not anywhere near my max.  How do you talk to people about these things?  I know I'm not beauty queen or anywhere near that, but for some reason, some people do stare a little too long.  Maybe I've just got something on my face (who knows!), but whatever the reason, it makes me uncomfortable.  Just writing about it makes me sick.  

When I was single (which wasn't for very long), it was okay for men/boys to react that way.  I might not have liked it, but it didn't affect anyone else.  However, when I started dating and got married, it did impact someone else.  During my younger years, I didn't handle all of these situations in the best way I could have.  So, I think as a defense mechanism, I started gaining weight....without realizing what I was doing.  The heavier you are the less people notice you (at least in a positive way). 

I know, I haven't been raped or abused or have any of those other excuses for gaining weight to hide, but I do believe that anxiety and fear of doing something stupid is enough of a reason to gain weight and disappear.  This may have been what started my weight gain anyway.  I don't know what kept it going.  

I do know this, every time someone calls me skinny (except family) or tells me how good I look, I feel anxious and I pray they will forget they are talking to me and move on quickly.  I don't know how to properly respond to these people.  I want to dress in clothes that fit and make me look on the outside how I feel on the inside, but I don't want people to look at me.  

I remember this woman at the store telling me once that I was an attention seeker.  It shocked me.  I was just shopping with my 4 kids.  I didn't know her and she sure as hell didn't know me.  I don't know why she said it, but I thought if you only knew how much work it took for me to get out the front door this morning and face people....  

And here I sit conflicted again.  I want so badly to look like I did in the picture above, but I am scared to death of what that might mean for my relationship/life.