My worry now is that I won't be strong enough to make the trip. I have a lot of excuses as to why I might not be strong enough, but for now, I'm ignoring those and pushing forward. Still, the thought of letting everyone down weighs on me a bit, but not as heavy as last time. Instead, my focus turns to my children. I worry that we won't bring enough food for the boys and that they'll be hungry and malnourished. I worry that they won't find it as amazing as I do, but in my heart I think they'll enjoy the beauty because we have always taught them to do so. I hope that they find it peaceful and challenging, but not overwhelming. I'm sure they'll be fine, but I want them to have the best experience possible.
For weeks now, I've watched my hubby try to hide his feelings about this trip as not to sway my decision to go one way or the other. However, this past weekend, I could see his excitement as he sorted through all of our gear, prepared our fishing bag, and helped the boys understand their packs. Nothing makes me happier than seeing him excited about an adventure. He goes into a different mode when he's preparing for something and it's really cute. His excitement is a good enough reason for me to make this trip whether my mind thinks I'm ready or not.
This time, we will be going for a shorter amount of time so we were able to pack less food. Currently, my pack weighs about 20 pounds which is great, but we may have to make some adjustments before we actually leave. As of now though, things are looking great. I'm about 80 pounds lighter than the last time I hiked and my pack is about 10 pounds lighter. I'm hoping all of this makes a huge difference in my speed and stamina. Instead of taking most of the day to get to camp, I hope to do it in about three hours. However, it stresses me out a little to put a time frame on it. The goal is to get there, the time is a bonus.
As the day approaches, I have begun to feel more anxious. I know I could have done so much more to prepare physically for this trip and yet part of me wants the scenarios to be similar so that the main difference is how much weight I've lost. It's more than just a trip into the peaceful mountains this time. I want to know that passing up all those donuts, skipping the dessert menu, ordering salads, losing all this weight, and working so hard is worth it. I already know how it's changed my day to day life, but I want to see if it's changed my quality of life. And, putting all this pressure on me to perform drastically better than the last time is probably unhealthy, but I want to know what I can do today and I'll never know until I do it. We'll see how my mindset changes once I'm actually in the moment, but for now, I hope to see big things. Either way, this will be another emotional trek.
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