To Hike or Not To Hike

So, this summer marks the three year anniversary of our last backpacking trip.  Oddly, I knew this time would come.  It was three years between our first trip and our second trip and as summer was approaching, it just seemed like the time was right to take the trip again.

I've spent the last two days recollecting the last two trips and while the visual walk down memory lane was magnificent, the physical thought of repeating that hike is far less interesting.  The whole experience is something that is so hard for me to describe, it's something you have to experience for yourself.  

While the total distance may not seem like much (some people actually do this as a day hike), the elevation change is intense and the physical toll it takes on a body is crushing.  I lost my big toe nails after both the previous hikes and while the blisters were better on the second hike (thanks to new boots), they were still there.  

Still, there is something inside that is pushing me to go.  I want to know how much easier it will be after losing some weight.  Yet, I'm scared that it won't be any easier and I'll still feel as though I'm going to die and letting others down.  I've been thinking about this for months and I'm still having a hard time making the decision to go.  My head goes back and forth between hiking and camping.... If I just want to go camping, that's a whole lot easier.  However, my heart wants to be back up in those mountains.    

As of Wednesday, we are leaning towards going.  In fact, at this point I'm going to say we are going -- we've started a packing list so that's a pretty good sign it's going to happen.  This time though, both my boys want to go.  It will be interesting to have them along.  They worry about me and my physical capabilities a lot.  I've noticed this more as I've become more active.  I don't want them to worry about me on the hike.  I just want them to enjoy the walk and take in the beauty and hopefully, they'll find a love for backpacking and continue to do it long after their time with us.

Our current goal for the hike is to take two or three days to hike and still travel nearly 20 miles.  I'm not sure I will be able to do it though.  We've never done it in that little time.  If you set a time frame though, you have to stick to it because you have people waiting for you and no way to contact them until you're out of the mountains.  Also, you only pack so much food.  You don't want to carry more weight then you need to.  So, if we say we are going to do this in three days, we have to do it in three days.  The time frame also worries me because once you're up there, you want to see as much as possible.  There are so many lakes you could visit and with that short time frame, we won't be able to make it to very many places.  Still, the adventure will be good and anything you get to see up there will be worth the trip.

Anxiety is going to cause me some grief over the next few weeks as I stress about all of the things that could go wrong and all the ways I might fail, but I'm not going to let anxiety keep me from going.  I need to know how much of a difference weighing less will make - if any.  I'm still worried about how hard it's going to be and what will happen to my mindset if I don't find it any easier.