As a few of my previous posts have mentioned, I suffer from anxiety. In my case (and maybe other's), my anxiety tends to build and one thing making me anxious will lead to anxiety about another thing related or unrelated. These things will haunt me for days or weeks. I lose sleep and feel exhausted even when I do get sleep. I have heart palpitations which only worsen my anxiety. And although I know there is no real reason to be anxious, I can't control it.
My current anxieties started from a need to contact my bank over a bank error. This seems simple enough and yet it's taken me five days to contact them. Finally this morning, I found enough courage to contact them and the next available representative wouldn't be ready for 56 minutes..... Of course, this heightened my anxiety and my heart began to beat harder and tears began to roll. It's very frustrating when you finally face your fears (at a time that is most convenient for you) and they aren't ready to be faced. I don't know why this time it was hard for me to call the bank. Sometimes, calling someone isn't a big deal at all, but this time it was. And when they finally called back they weren't even willing to admit to their own mistakes. This is something that I should be able to let go, but I can't. It will stay with me for at least the rest of the day and if I'm lucky, it will end there. This is why I put this off for so long. I knew I couldn't handle it and I didn't want to be a withdrawn mother/wife because of a stupid phone conversation with someone who doesn't give a crap what happens in our lives.
Of course to add to my anxiety, I had family coming over for the 4th of July. Which was great, but I worry about what people think, if we will have enough food and something everyone will eat, and if people will have a good time. My need to please everyone causes a major amount of anxiety for me, but I also know that leaving my house and attending someone else's get together causes a lot of anxiety. So, there is not really a good way out of this one. Now that it's over, it all seemed to go fine.
Next, my oldest daughter celebrated her 17th birthday yesterday. I'm never good at birthdays. I know that I didn't get my children a gift that they will be extremely thrilled about, I can't plan ahead enough to think about a cake, and forget about having a real party with friends. There have been very few birthdays where my children actually had a "party" like their friends have. I just can't do it. The parties that did happen were successful only because I had help from my husband or sister(s). It's nearly impossible for me to plan a birthday party and I have no idea why. It makes me feel sad to know that out of 17 birthdays, my daughter probably only had 3 parties and one of those was her 1st birthday. It makes me even more sad to realize that my other children had less than that. So, I had the anxiety of providing my daughter with a crappy birthday and also anxiety because my daughter is 17 and I know I really only have one more year with her living at home. This is a topic I try to avoid because the pain is too real to face. Ignoring it is the only way I have to deal with it.
Ignorance/avoidance is really the only coping mechanism I have for many things. So, for 5 days I ignored the bank issue and for 17 years I've avoided (or tried) thinking about my daughter leaving home. And, for nearly 20 years I ignored the fact that I was obese and continuing to gain weight. I don't know how to fix this! I do know that I'm so overly paranoid that I will gain it back or stop losing that I weigh daily (only once a day though) and get quite anxious when I only lose one or two pounds in a two or three week stretch. This is currently happening and something else that has been added to my already full plate of anxiety.
Sometimes, I can get help with things on my "plate," but other things I need to deal with myself. There is no one to help me with them and there is no way for people to help if they wanted too. It's when my plate is too full or seems too full that I am at my lowest. I can't think about planning vacations or planning anything that is more than a day in advance. When people try to talk to me about making plans or something they have going on, I tend to shut down. I don't mean to do it, but I can't help it. It's just too much, I can feel my blood pressure rising and my heart beats harder and faster and then, my anxiety rises -- sometimes to the point of having a panic attack.
For days, I've been on the verge of a panic attack. People think they are talking to me about reasonable things (and they are). Trying to plan fun events and activities or talk about something going on in their lives. They can't see that on the inside, I am freaking out! If only they could read my mind or see when I was being affected by this illness. I fear saying this will cause people to not talk to me about anything and that is not good either. The majority of the time, I am fine, but when I'm not fine, I'm really not fine and I hope people understand why I provide so little input/feedback. I'm not being insensitive, I'm just mentally unable to comprehend all that is going on in my life. When it gets this bad, I can really only see three options to sooth my pain: sleep all day, take a blue pill (prescribed), or EAT. Usually, I choose to eat......
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