I am an extremely jealous person. I've grown a lot since my twenty's, but I still have moments of jealousy (like today). I don't really understand where it comes from and I don't know how to stop it. Whenever I experience it, I get very depressed and down on myself. It's really hard to stay positive when I'm self destructing. I don't remember any of my other family members being jealous growing up. So, I feel like this is something I developed over time. Yet, I'm still not sure why.
This Sunday, I will be celebrating 17 years of marriage with my hubby whom also happens to be my high school sweetheart. I love this man more every single day. Still, looking back I'm not sure how in the world we made it through our first 10 years of marriage let alone 17; especially when it feels like we are still newlyweds. My hubby and I were high school sweethearts and we were classmates since the third grade. It's amazing how many wonderful memories I have with him from our lives before dating, between dating, and now as a married couple. :)
We had our first kiss during a game of Truth or Dare in the 8th grade at a friends birthday party (to be fair, I liked him long before that kiss). He was dared to kiss me and without hesitation took the dare. I thought it was sweet. Of course, I wasn't the only person he was dared to kiss that night. Ah, and so comes my jealousy.... and here's where I break into song: Let it go, let it go....
Sixteen months later, after school one day, just before football and volleyball practice, my very good friend told him that he should ask me out and he did. I was so happy and yet I was very shy. During these two or three months of dating (sorry honey I forgot how long it was), we barely talked. It was more like we were awkward friends. Yet we did start to make a little progress. Eventually, we held hands and I remember that moment. We were on a field trip for Ag (I think) and we were on the bus when I began tying my shoe on the seat (yes, my leg actually bent up to my chest at that time). He reached down and gently grabbed my hand and we held hands the whole way back to school. In addition to holding hands, I learned the order in which he washed in the shower, which happened to be different than mine (Who doesn't start with shampoo? That's just weird.). We spent many nights standing under the street light hugging each other in a sweet embrace. At the time, I felt like all those conversations we were having were meaningless. I didn't see that we were building a strong foundation for a lasting relationship and so I broke up with him...by note. Still not proud of that.
It took me a few months, but I began to realize how much I really cared for this boy. He was amazing and I let it all go. My friends always asked me about our relationship and our break up and I told them repeatedly that I wasn't worried. I had faith that we would get back together someday. We had just started dating when we were too immature. I knew in my heart that we were meant to be together forever. Besides, I had wished on every 11:11, first star I saw at night, and full moon for as long as I could remember that we would be together (both before and after our break-up).
Sure enough, the summer following that year we spent a lot of time together and by the end of July, we were dating again and it happened so naturally. We spent time reflecting on our mistakes the first time (immaturity and lack of communication) and made some real improvements. Still, I let my jealously get the best of me many times. I'm not sure how we survived high school.... Actually, I do. It was only by the grace of him. He had patience to deal with me and my craziness and boy was I ever crazy! Anyone else would have left me long ago.
After high school, we got married, had four children, both finished college, and bought a house. Now, we are doing just fine, but there were so many times where my jealousy got in the way of a healthy relationship. To this day I am still surprised that we are married.
My husband is a good guy. He's never done anything that should make me jealous. If anyone is the bad guy, that would have to be me. I have put myself in bad situations a few times during our lives together and still he forgives me and moves on like everything is okay. I am left with this heavy guilt and the only person placing it on me is me.
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