Who's That?

It isn't like anything has really changed as far as my misconception about my weight.  I still feel skinny the majority of the time.  Even looking back at pictures I will often think, "I'm not that big."  Of course we all know everyone has pictures that make themselves look smaller or bigger than they actually are.  I think I see it more in other people's photographs than I do in my own.  I'll see a picture of a friend of mine where they look really big or small, but I know what they really look like.  So, while looking at the picture I might comment on how the picture makes them look really skinny or it's just a bad angle.  I understand that angles and distance and relativity to other objects change our perception, but it doesn't seem to sink in when I'm looking at pictures of me.  

You know the saying about calling a person a negative thing and to undo that you have to say something positive to them eight times.  Well, maybe I'm the opposite of that when it comes to viewing myself in pictures.  I can see many pictures that make me look bad and of course I feel bad about myself and realize I'm way bigger than I thought, but then, I see one good picture of myself and BAM! I think, "No, I'm good!  I look great!"  Hiding the secret of my obesity even further.  

If you look back through the pictures my family has taken over the years, you don't see a lot of pictures of me.  Part of that is because I'm taking the photos and part of that is because no one took any with me in them.  I don't know if that's because I don't like having my picture taken or because they don't want me to know the truth.  Seems kind of weird to think it's the second one, but I will tell you that there have been times in my life were I question how beautiful my family actually finds me because they didn't photograph me.  I mean, I take thousands of pictures of my family and rarely am I in the shot if they are holding the camera.  Also, it's not like someone is asking for me to pose so they can take my picture.  Still, as I've become older, I've gotten over this insecurity.  However, I wonder if I should have.  Is there something more to the disproportionate amount of photographs of me compared to others or am I just being paranoid?

I have similar feelings about mirrors.  The mirror in my bathroom makes me feel great about myself.  The one in the bathroom at the gym also makes me feel pretty good.  However, there are those mirrors that make you look at yourself and think, "WHOA!  Who's that?"  Store fronts have the same effect on me.  Recently, I've been working pretty hard on losing the weight and I feel pretty good about myself, but then, there I am walking on the treadmill and I look over and see myself in the weight-lifting mirrors.  What the heck!  That is not the same person I saw in the mirror before I left my house this morning or the same person that smiled back at me as I washed my hands in the bathroom sink just before walking out and stepping on this treadmill.  And I wonder, which is the real me?