Dressing Room Anxiety

5/20/16

Yes, my pants are falling off.  :)  Pants that were once too tight to tie my shoes in are now falling off... well they have been for a few months.  Last month I had to buy all new pants.  Shopping is an emotional experience.  On one hand, if feels amazing to be buying new clothes, on the other hand, it sucks that I don't know what size I am..... and every brand seems to be so different.  It's strange and I find myself headed toward the plus size section of the store even though I can fit in the ladies clothing (larger sizes of course).  I just feel comfortable in the plus size section of the store.  I know (or used to know) that I'm a size 2x or 3x in shirts and 22 or 24 in pants.  It's easy for me to shop there and I usually don't have to try anything on because I already know my size.

First Pair of Jeans 5/20/16

Now, I don't know my size and I'm forced to enter the dressing room and try on new things.  Sometimes they fit, most of the time they don't.  It's tricky and dressing rooms have never been a very fun place for me.  Still, my first experience shopping for jeans wasn't too bad.  I tried on about 12 pairs (I don't know, but it felt like 12) and only 2 fit, but it was a start.  I left the store with a pair of 18's and a pair of 16's....WHAT?!  16's?  I don't even
remember ever wearing that size.  To be fair, I only really remember being a size 8/9, then a size 18, and finally a size 22/24.  I don't know what happened between 8/9 and size 18.  I must have lived in sweats???  Not sure.


More recently, my shopping experience was a little more positive and I was able to fit almost all of the clothes I tried on.  That doesn't mean I liked all of them, but it was nice to have an idea of what size I was.... I stuck to size 18 as I think those size 16's were a fluke, but who knows.

I'm not scared to try things on now.  I still don't like the dressing room, but I'm okay with trying things on just to see if they fit.  A couple weeks ago we walked through Cabela's and I picked up a size Large coat and tried it on.  I've been able to wear Large T-shirts since March (they're stretchy), but I was extremely surprised and overwhelmed with joy when I tried on the size Large coat and it actually fit. I didn't cry, but the smile on my face must have been priceless.  I also don't remember a time when I wore size large.  To be fair, I don't remember my shirt size really.  I've been an XL for a long time until about Sept. of 2014 when I started to buy size XXL.  So, size large seems so tiny to me.

"Normal" Boots 7/1/16

BOOTS!  Oh, boots!  Well, since this whole thing started with boots, it shouldn't be any surprise that I've been waiting to see if I could buy normal sized boots off the shelf.  Last week my son and I went to Goodwill and I bought 3 pairs of normal sized boots because they all fit my calves.  I also bought three pairs of jeans (not from the plus section).  It's nice to have a wider variety of clothing options.  Excited to go down a couple more sizes so that the selection options improve even more!

Trying on Clothes 6/20/16

Why is shopping so hard for me?  Is it like this for everyone?  I get very anxious as I'm holding clothes and attempting to enter the dressing room.  I'd much rather buy them and take them home to see if they fit or not.  Sometimes it takes me awhile to get into the dressing room with the clothes while other times, I don't even go in.  I usually tell my husband that I'm not ready for this.  Shouldn't buying smaller clothes be fun and exciting?  For now, I'll keep pushing myself to go to the store and try on things (good or bad).

Have you lost a lot of weight?

Well, it took months, but people started noticing my weight loss!  Also, my pants started to fall off.  It's weird how you can go months without people saying anything and then all of a sudden, everyone is asking if you've lost weight.  Maybe this happens faster for different people, but it has taken me about 10 months for people to realize.  It was really only in this last month that people started asking me.  And I always tell them yes and how much weight I've lost and let them know I'm working on it.  

You'd think I'd love people seeing the results of my hard work, but ironically, I don't.  I really hate it when people tell me they didn't recognize me or that I look so different.  To me, I look the same -- part of being secretly obese I presume.  So as you can imagine it's hard when someone says you look different.  That's insinuating that I actually did look different than the image I have of myself in my head.  Now, don't get my wrong, looking through pictures I can clearly see a difference, but that's in a pictures....We're talking about real life!  

Senior Year

What I've discovered is that this fear of people commenting on my body or how good I look (their words, not mine) may be one of the largest reasons I gained so much weight over the past 15 years (or maybe even 20 years).  You see, when I was in 8th grade, I started getting noticed by boys.  There was this one high school boy that would touch my leg or my back and then have some comment about how good I looked whenever I was around him.  I didn't like it, but I didn't stop it.  I didn't know how to and I definitely wasn't going to say anything to my dad.  It was fine then because I was single, but when I started dating my now husband, it was confusing and hard for me to know what to say to people who made comments or looked at me a little too long.  Even after being married for 6 years I had someone ask me to send them photos.  I was heavier then, but not anywhere near my max.  How do you talk to people about these things?  I know I'm not beauty queen or anywhere near that, but for some reason, some people do stare a little too long.  Maybe I've just got something on my face (who knows!), but whatever the reason, it makes me uncomfortable.  Just writing about it makes me sick.  

When I was single (which wasn't for very long), it was okay for men/boys to react that way.  I might not have liked it, but it didn't affect anyone else.  However, when I started dating and got married, it did impact someone else.  During my younger years, I didn't handle all of these situations in the best way I could have.  So, I think as a defense mechanism, I started gaining weight....without realizing what I was doing.  The heavier you are the less people notice you (at least in a positive way). 

I know, I haven't been raped or abused or have any of those other excuses for gaining weight to hide, but I do believe that anxiety and fear of doing something stupid is enough of a reason to gain weight and disappear.  This may have been what started my weight gain anyway.  I don't know what kept it going.  

I do know this, every time someone calls me skinny (except family) or tells me how good I look, I feel anxious and I pray they will forget they are talking to me and move on quickly.  I don't know how to properly respond to these people.  I want to dress in clothes that fit and make me look on the outside how I feel on the inside, but I don't want people to look at me.  

I remember this woman at the store telling me once that I was an attention seeker.  It shocked me.  I was just shopping with my 4 kids.  I didn't know her and she sure as hell didn't know me.  I don't know why she said it, but I thought if you only knew how much work it took for me to get out the front door this morning and face people....  

And here I sit conflicted again.  I want so badly to look like I did in the picture above, but I am scared to death of what that might mean for my relationship/life.   

Count Calories or The Calories Will Count

From mid February until today, I became a lot stricter with my eating.  I lowered my calorie goal to 1200 and have only gone over my goal two days.  I also added protein drinks (one a day) so that I could get to my goal of 60 grams of protein a day.  I eat about 5 times a day and try to eat about 200 calories at each meal.  My goal is to eat 6 times a day, but that doesn't always work.  

I've been really good about saying I'm going to eat this cake, but I'm going to write it down -- even if it's just a bite.  It holds me accountable and still lets me eat things I like.  It also makes me realize how many calories are in each item.  

It isn't easy for me.  It's even harder when we go out to eat or have people over.  I don't think people understand how much they are actually eating, but when you only have 1200 calories to eat in a day, you become more aware of what having a second piece of bread means.  Sometimes I'll buy my fancy coffee drink and think, 'I'm going to use these 500 calories and then I'll eat really healthy for the rest of the day,' but part way through the drink I realize it isn't good enough to waste calories on.  So, I give it away.  I do that a lot now.  

It's taken a whole mind shift.  I still crave things and get a little jealous when I see someone else with a plate full of pizza, but it's amazing how quickly we forget what we wanted when we don't act on our impulses immediately.  Every time I go through the drive through, I want to order something deep fried (and sometimes I do), but if I order something healthier and drive off, I don't regret it and I don't miss the deep fried food.  I just have to do it and remember to forgive myself if I don't.  

Tip #2 - Don't waste your calories on drinks if you can help it.  Order water and bring Mio (or something similar) to flavor your water if you don't like water.

Tip #3 - Use a small plate.  It makes it seem like you're getting a lot of good food. 

The First 40

So, I've been at this weight loss thing for almost a year.  I started out actually in April of 2015, but as I've said before, I didn't really get with it until the end of July.  From the end of July until about mid February, I was recording almost everything I ate on a daily basis and weighing/counting nearly all of my food.  During that time, my calorie goal was 1600 and I had started my new job.  Some days I ate more than I should have, but the important thing was, I was forgiving myself and starting the next day or meal with a positive attitude.  I learned to forgive myself for making mistakes (at least mostly) and I also learned to tell people no.  I volunteered for less and spent more time with my family.  Additionally, I just started moving more!  I fixed my own plates, got my own drinks, and helped my kids with their chores.

I lost 40 pounds during that time and although I couldn't see it in the mirror, I could feel it.  It was the
little things that kept me going; which was important since for the most part, my clothes fit the same.  I remember the day my coat buttoned and I was so surprised.  I had bought that coat a few years before and it never did fit me quite right.  It was uncomfortable to wear in the car because my arms barely moved.  I nearly cried the day I pulled it shut to button the one button I could get to close and realized that it buttoned with ease and so did the other buttons.

I hated the seatbelt in our pick-up because every time I would bend over to grab something it would lock.  I remember thinking how stupid that design was.  That was until the day I bent over to grab something off the floor and it didn't lock.  It turns out, I was just so fat, the poor seatbelt was at it's end.

These small, seemingly insignificant things added up.  While my jeans still fit and no one seemed to be noticing my changing body, these changes were keeping me motivated.  It seems so silly to smile or tear up when a sweatshirt pulls over your boobs with ease or a coat can be zipped up over your hips, but for someone who has struggled to squish into these items, it means the world.

I Love July!

July has been a wonderful month for me for as long as I can remember.  It hosts my favorite rodeo and one of my favorite holidays.  Not to mention, it's the month my husband and I began dating (again) and the month my 1st child was born in.  So, it should be no surprise that July would be the month that saved me! 

Following my revelations in July of 2015, I began to take my lifestyle changes more seriously.  I was switching jobs (sort of) in September and that gave me a chance to start over.  By that, I mean it gave me the chance to become the type of employee I wanted to be.  At my previous place, I worked long hours and had a lot of stress/drama.  Most of it I probably put on myself, but moving to a new location gave me the opportunity to start fresh.  I realized that in the past year leading up to my decision to switch locations, I had gained 20 pounds and in the years before that, I had gained another 30.  So, I was averaging about 10 pounds a year and forming a number of unhealthy habits.  Stress adds more weight than you realize.  Not only literally, but mentally and physically as well.  No job is worth your health.

July was my mid-point between job changes as well as a wake-up call for me to get my act together and take care of myself.  Once I figured out that I had to stop eating/drinking so many calories and realized that I was actually doing it, the weight started to come off.  

**Tip #1 for anyone trying to lose weight, record your food (all of it) and weigh everything -- yes, even your peanut butter!  You'll be amazed at how much you are actually eating!  Did you know one sour patch kid has 25 calories?  Crazy right!  Imagine me eating a whole bag like it was nothing...and not the small bag.   

Judging or Comparing?

For as long as I can remember I've compared myself to others.  I've been obsessed with knowing how I compare to other people.  In high school I wanted to know who was prettier and was mortified if someone didn't think I was the prettiest person.  This is weird for me to think about because I never really considered myself to be "that person".  I think it was all part of wanting to be accepted as an equal to people who might be viewed as better than me.    

As I gained weight I began doing it more and more.  I would see other women that I thought were larger than me and I would think oh that person looks cute and I'm smaller than her, so I'm fine.  On occasion, I would even asked my husband if I was bigger than some random lady and of course he always said no; which made me feel OK with the weight I was.  Comparing myself to heavy people (who I thought were heavier than me) was an excuse for me to keep hiding my obesity.  This was especially true if I believed the person I was comparing myself to looked great.  If they looked great, then I must look freaking awesome!

This fear of fitting in or being "normal" continues to haunt me even as I have begun to lose weight.  In many ways, this connects to my jealousy.  I worry that my husband will find someone better and leave.  I have no reason to feel this way, I just do.  

When we started working out, it was hard for me because I would see these women with amazing bodies.  My workout would then turn into an obsession about that person.  I would watch them like some crazy stalker and think about how they got to that point, what they ate, if they were in a relationship, and wonder if my husband also noticed their amazing body (although, I don't know how someone could miss it).   What could have been used as inspiration instead gave me an excuse not to go.  I preferred gym days where I saw lots of heavy people sweating on the treadmill, just as I was doing.  It gave me a sense of security.  I felt proud of those people for being there and I didn't feel like I was being judged.  Without saying anything, it felt like we were in this together and we knew how tough it was just to show up.  

I don't know why I judge other people.  I don't know why I compare myself to others.  I know that fear has ruled my life and that it still does and I believe this is why I compare and judge, but I know I've got to move past it if I want to move on and really be content with myself.     

Guilt

Thinking back to my "Jealousy" post, I ended that with me feeling guilty.  Guilt has been a part of my life forever and in someways, I think it should be, but how long should guilt really stay with us?  And what effect has guilt had on my weight gain?

I remember as a child, probably in kindergarten, I hid someone's keys (maybe my dad's) or I saw another girl hide someone's keys.  I'm not really sure on the details, but what I do remember is my father looking for them and being very frustrated.  He always had a saying about us (my sister's and I) being the ones that had to live with our decisions and the choices we made.  At the end of the day, the only person we had to answer to when we laid down our heads at night was ourselves.  So, as long as we were being true to ourselves and could sleep with our decisions then we were honest-good people.  Now, I'm sure he didn't use that logic with me on the key thing.  That's probably something he said to us much later in life and I probably messed up the way he said it so eloquently.  What I do know is it stuck with me and so did hiding those keys.  I even remember that they were behind the couch cushion.  Now, I can't say that I still feel guilty about that, but I wonder if in some way I do?  Why did that even stick with me?

When I was in the 4th or 5th grade I had a bedroom window that faced out to see our dogs on the dog run.  I remember looking out and seeing my mom's puppy tangled up with our much larger dog.  Yet, I chose to take a nap and worry about it later.  By the time I woke up, my mom was in tears; the puppy had been strangled.  I killed my mom's dog.  Now, whether I killed my mom's dog or not, this was not something that I got over.  It still haunts me to this day.  What kind of person doesn't just take care of the dog and then take their nap?  Twenty-five years later I still feel an extreme amount of guilt over this and no one blamed me, but me.

Guilt has followed me my entire life.  After working very hard to earn a near 4.0 in college, I was one of two people in our graduating class to earn a full-time job right out of college.  Yet, I felt guilty about it.  Other people were deserving too and I just couldn't understand why I would get the job.  The other person who was hired said, "We deserve these jobs, we worked hard for them and there is no reason to feel ashamed for getting them."  I thought, "Yeah, she's right!"  Yet, deep down, I never felt like I deserved it more than those other people.  And it's taken me some time to get over it.  At least I think I've gotten over that one.

When I was approved to weight-loss surgery, there was a part of me that felt like I didn't deserve it.  I hadn't worked hard enough to lose the weight on my own.  I wasn't that big and other people needed it more than me.  These feelings stuck with me for the entire year leading up to my surgery.  Days before my surgery was scheduled I was struggling because I still didn't feel like I deserved it.  I felt guilty for taking this route when other people needed it more.  Thankfully my sister talked me off that ledge and made me realize that indeed, I did deserve it.

In no way do I feel that the words of wisdom my father gave us were harmful.  In fact, I feel like those words, along with many others, made me the person I am today.  I am proud to be a person who feels guilty for making poor choices.  It has made me a caring, compassionate person.  Without the guilt, I don't know how I could reflect and improve as a person. 

There is something about this whole journey that makes me believe that guilt may or may not have added some of my pounds, but it definitely won't be holding me back anymore.  I am a big (I'm using that loosely) girl and I can make my own decisions and it shouldn't matter what other people think.  My kids understand this, why don't I?  I'm still working on it, but I really hope this is going to help make everything in my life just that much sweeter.