Where's the Fire?

Well, it's been awhile since I've blogged, but we did make it through our backpacking trip.  Someday I'll write more about it, but for now, I just am happy to be back to blogging.

The trip was good, but it did kind of mess up my eating schedule/recording my food and once again made me lazy.  In addition, once we were out of the woods, we stopped to eat and I ordered a pop....  So, I also broke my year long streak of being soda free.  

Probably the worst thing is I haven't recorded a full days meals since we left for our hike.  As a result, I haven't lost much weight.  This last week though, I tried to record my food a little more regularly and get back into my good habits.  I'm just doing what I can right now, but it did help.  I had only lost three pounds in the weeks leading up to last week.  One week back on the wagon (sort-of) and I lost five pounds.  So, I know how important recording my food is, yet I still don't want to do it!  

In many ways, I am disappointed with myself for not recording my food after only 4 days without internet access.  I am also disappointed with myself for drinking pop here and there since our trip.  It doesn't taste that good and it makes me feel funny!  Still, now I seem to be missing my willpower to stay away from it.  I haven't resorted to ordering it, but I do steal sips from my hubby or kids when they have it.  

Another sad thing is I lost a lot of my support people around the same time I quit logging in and recording my food; not literally, but in the sense that they no longer log onto our food recording system.  That's tricky because if you don't feel like anyone is watching it's very hard to hold yourself accountable.  Realistically, I know that I'm doing this for me and I'm my best motivation, but it does something to my brain not to have people "thumbs-up" my status when I log my food or enter my weight loss.  I wish it didn't matter, but it does.  I've even logged in with my husband's account and wrote myself an encouraging note.  I need to find another way to make it appealing for me to login and record my food.  That seems to be the best way for me to lose weight and so I have to find something that motivates me to keep doing it.  I guess that's why I'm back on here today.  

I know my blog isn't read by everyone or even very many people, but I need to be accountable to more people.  I have to make time to blog and share where I'm at in this process.  I have a long way to go and I can't let myself get in the way of my success.  I need to find my fire, my passion, my reason for being happy!  I hate that I let things wear me down, make me feel depressed, and keep me from reaching my goals.  Why do I always feel like quitting when things don't go the way I expect them to or when I fail?

Today, I am 2.2 lbs away from losing 100 total pounds!  I'm so close to that major milestone, but I have a long way to go.  My goal for this week will be to hold myself accountable and to take it one day at a time.  I'll try not to give up when/if I fail...that will be the hard part. 

Day 4 - Backpacking

Today should be the final day of our backpacking trip.  Hopefully I have enough energy left to hike the seven miles out and then complete all the other things on our agenda for the evening.  By the time this posts, we should be all packed up and saying or final good-byes to the beautiful surrounding before heading down the trail.  I'm sure we'll all be looking forward to seeing family and eating real food.

One Year Later...

I'm not sure where we are at in our backpacking adventures, but this should be our last evening in the mountains.  By the time this posts, we should be just settling down from our adventures from the day and getting ready to make our way to our tents before the long hike out tomorrow.

Oddly, this is going to be an emotional night for me in the mountains because it's signifying the end of a trip and at the same time, this is the day that I consider to be my anniversary date for the time I finally decided (once and for all) to make a real change in my life.  While all of July was a major contributor to my success at this point, this day a year ago was the day in which I decided I'd lied to myself for long enough.  I know I'll be sitting in the mountains, looking up at the stars and thinking about all that I have been through this past year.  I wish that I had a computer to type all my feelings and emotions up on the spot, while I'm in the moment, but at the same time, I'm glad I won't have one.  I need time to reflect and savor all the successes and failures that the past year, and twenty years, have brought.... Besides, if I had a computer, I'd probably write a blog post that was so long no one would want to read it.  This way, I have time to be at peace with myself and part of my family.

I'd like to fill this blog post with pictures of before and after photos, but I don't have that many before pictures.  Mostly because I wouldn't let anyone take them or they didn't take them or I deleted them.  I have added what I could find to the end of this blog.  I hope that the next year is as successful as this year.  I still have a long way to go and I worry that I may not find the success I had this year.  I know it will become harder and harder as I reach my goal weight, but I hope for a little success and at least movement in the right direction.  All I can do is try and take things one day at a time.

Day 2 - Backpacking

Day two of our backpacking trip should be underway.  I'd hope that by the time this one posts, we'd be all packed up and on our way to location number two. That's assuming we didn't camp somewhere along the way to location number one.

Day 1 - Backpacking

By the time this posts, we should be an hour and a half into our backpacking trip.  Hopefully, we are nearly half way to our first camping spot or three miles in.  If I remember correctly, the first three miles are the hardest.  I can't remember though so I'll have to give you an update on that once we return to the internet zone.

Cowgirl Jeans

Yesterday I was able to go shopping with two of my sisters.  We spent quite a bit of time shopping at the second hand store where they live.  The prices there are amazing (like $1 an item) and so it makes it worth the risk to buy clothes that might not quite fit.  So, I grabbed several items -- some I thought I would fit and some I wasn't so sure of.  When we got back to my parents house and I tried all of them on, all fit but one shirt which hopefully will fit soon.  It was wonderful to find so many clothes that fit me with very little effort shopping.

Besides shopping at the second hand store (or the next hand store as my nephew calls it), my youngest sister and I stopped at the western store.  We looked at the jeans and I told her I needed to find something much bigger, but she convinced me to try on a pair of 34's.  Knowing that I'm still much bigger than my husband around the waist, I was hesitant -- he wears 34/36's.  Still, she was able to talk me into taking a pair into the dressing room.  It helped that I was in a great mood because of all the clothes I had just found at the second hand store.  

After trying one pair of jeans that I knew would fit (and they did), I tried on the pair of 34's.  Surprisingly, they pulled right over my hips (test #1) and even more surprisingly, they zipped (test #2).  Also, they felt comfortable and my fat didn't squish out over the top (test #3).  It was so exciting to find out that I could buy a pair of jeans straight off the shelf.  It's also a little scary because now I want to buy more and more clothes.... I don't think I have the budget for this!

Being able to buy western jeans off the shelf yesterday made my day!  I haven't owned a pair since before I had my first child.  At least I don't remember owning them since then.  It makes me feel a little more complete and like I'm getting back to myself.  I want so badly to be the person that I remember as me; the person I feel like on the inside.  I want people to see me the way I see myself inside and being able to fit into a pair of western jeans gets me one step closer to that dream.  

I can't wait to see what comes next.  I know I have a long way to go, but I'm beginning to see the progress I've made and it makes me feel so happy.  Less than a week from now, I'll be pulling on my new jeans, putting on my boots, and heading to the rodeo.  I'm excited to see how losing the weight helps with sitting for a couple hours in the grandstands.  I'm pretty sure that will be one of those "too excited to sleep" nights and I can't wait.  

Backpackers Ready

Last weekend, we spent an entire day preparing our packs for our tri-annual backpacking trip.  Our packs have been filled and weighed and our route has been chosen.  Our destination is clear and our hearts are ready.  We leave in a couple days and I couldn't be more excited to see this country again and show it's glory to my two boys.  I hope to someday be able to do the same with my girls. 

My worry now is that I won't be strong enough to make the trip.  I have a lot of excuses as to why I might not be strong enough, but for now, I'm ignoring those and pushing forward.  Still, the thought of letting everyone down weighs on me a bit, but not as heavy as last time.  Instead, my focus turns to my children.  I worry that we won't bring enough food for the boys and that they'll be hungry and malnourished.  I worry that they won't find it as amazing as I do, but in my heart I think they'll enjoy the beauty because we have always taught them to do so.  I hope that they find it peaceful and challenging, but not overwhelming.  I'm sure they'll be fine, but I want them to have the best experience possible.

For weeks now, I've watched my hubby try to hide his feelings about this trip as not to sway my decision to go one way or the other.  However, this past weekend, I could see his excitement as he sorted through all of our gear, prepared our fishing bag, and helped the boys understand their packs.  Nothing makes me happier than seeing him excited about an adventure.  He goes into a different mode when he's preparing for something and it's really cute.  His excitement is a good enough reason for me to make this trip whether my mind thinks I'm ready or not.  

This time, we will be going for a shorter amount of time so we were able to pack less food.  Currently, my pack weighs about 20 pounds which is great, but we may have to make some adjustments before we actually leave.  As of now though, things are looking great.  I'm about 80 pounds lighter than the last time I hiked and my pack is about 10 pounds lighter.  I'm hoping all of this makes a huge difference in my speed and stamina.  Instead of taking most of the day to get to camp, I hope to do it in about three hours.  However, it stresses me out a little to put a time frame on it.  The goal is to get there, the time is a bonus. 

As the day approaches, I have begun to feel more anxious.  I know I could have done so much more to prepare physically for this trip and yet part of me wants the scenarios to be similar so that the main difference is how much weight I've lost.  It's more than just a trip into the peaceful mountains this time.  I want to know that passing up all those donuts, skipping the dessert menu, ordering salads, losing all this weight, and working so hard is worth it.  I already know how it's changed my day to day life, but I want to see if it's changed my quality of life.  And, putting all this pressure on me to perform drastically better than the last time is probably unhealthy, but I want to know what I can do today and I'll never know until I do it.  We'll see how my mindset changes once I'm actually in the moment, but for now, I hope to see big things.  Either way, this will be another emotional trek.