I'm Still Mad as Hell

For the past four days I've been trying to get past the idea of being contacted by a "man" for what I would guess was only one thing....

And for four days, I haven not brushed my hair, put on make-up, put my contacts in, or felt comfortable in my skin.

And for four days, I've hid my body in baggy clothes.

And for four days, I've felt like my husband was mad at me or disappointed in me (although there is nothing to suggest this).  

And for four days, I've had trouble sleeping, had trouble waking up, and had trouble being happy.

It's been a LONG time since I have felt this much anxiety.  I don't even know why I have this much anxiety.  All I know is I feel like this is some sort of evil trick.  I've been very successful over the past three years with my weight loss journey and now out of the blue, I'm finding my insecurities are all still there.  

I thought I was strong, but I am not.  I thought I could do this, but right now, I cannot.  I thought I had an alternative to food, but I am learning, that I do not!  

I'm not even sure where to go from here right now.  What I do know, I still have no coping mechanism....  What I did have, apparently, was a lot less stress in my life.  Now that the stress and anxiety is back, I am realizing that food is still my coping mechanism.  

For four days, I've ate and ate and ate.  And I've exceeded my calorie goal every day.

For four days, my life has stopped.  My home life is suffering, my work is suffering, and I'm suffering. 

I guess the good news is, I have learned a lot about myself in the last four days.  And right now I'm scared.  I don't know how to move forward and mostly, I'm mad as hell (I guess I need to put that song on repeat)!  I'm mad that I can't cope in a different way.  I'm mad that I need to cope!  I'm mad that I feel guilty and I've done nothing wrong!  I'm just MAD!

This isn't a very positive or helpful blog post, but it's raw, it's honest, it's how I feel, and it's sad that this happens to women/men every single day!  

130 lbs... The Good and The Bad

Last year on January 6th (2017), on weighed 190.6 lbs.  It took a long time, but finally on November 17th, 2017, I hit a big goal.  I weighed in at 176 lbs, I had lost 130 lbs!  It felt great and was only temporarily rewarding as the following week I had gained weight.  My weight went up and down over the next month and I finally dropped down to 175 on December 18th.  It felt good and I was looking forward to seeing that 174....  However, that never came.  Last Friday on my weigh in day, I weighed 182.2 lbs.  It scares me to see the scale go back up into the 80s.  I know I need to make some changes.... Most importantly, I need to record my food again.  I cannot stress how important recording your food is for weight loss.  It is keeps you honest!  

So, technically I have lost 130 lbs (probably 2 or 3 times in my life if we can count each time I gained and lost weight - which we probably should do that).... I just need to get back down to that weight again.  

Losing 130 pounds really was amazing!  I lost my entire self as a senior in high school!  That is insane!  I have energy to move (not so much energy to think) and I can jog further than I remember being able to in a long time.... I mean I can JOG!  That in itself is impressive!  I can tie my shoes and I don't run out of breath.  I have extra room in my coat.  I can buy clothes from the women's section.  All my rings fit (even my high school ring) and some are even too big!  I can paintball with my husband and kids.  I can hike mountains.  

When I look in the mirror or see a picture of myself, I am me again!

Now, the negatives and yes most of them may be superficial, but they are negatives and interrupt my everyday life in one way or another.  

1. SKIN - Lots of extra skin!  This is the worst one really.  My face (my whole face) sags now.  It's okay if I smile, but if I get caught in a photo without a smile, I look like a bloodhound.  Oh, and those wrinkles show up more predominately too.  I have extra skin that hangs off of my thighs when I try to do planks.  And saddle bags for days... it kind of hangs over, almost folds over.  I have skin that hangs off of my tricep area (lots of it) and this is something that really bothers my nieces and nephews (me too).  They like to touch it and ask me if it hurts... um no!  They also want to know if I want it there... um no!  Of course, they don't know what to say, they are just being honest.  In addition to my face, thighs, and my arms, I have skin that hangs off of my belly.... this is DEFINITELY the worst area.  It makes noise when I jump or sit fast (and sadly, sometimes it sounds like I farted when I didn't.... but I think I'd rather people thought I farted than I had a giant flap of skin that plopped down and made a fart noise).  It hangs and flops when I exercise, when I lean over, when I'm intimate.... Pretty much anytime I move!  If I could afford skin removal surgery, this would be my first stop!  It's so horribly embarrassing for me.  
2. BOOBS - I guess I still have boobs.... According to my bra size anyway (36 DD).  Still, I really think I have something that is better described as skin flaps....  Yeah, gross.  I must say 5 months ago, this would have been my number one concern.  However, they have improved a little and are starting to get some of their elasticity back.  Still, they can fold in half.... yeah, I don't know how else to explain that.  They also flop and fall flat whenever I move.  The good news here is they can hide in a bra!  So, people see them as normal.  Therefore, on my skin removal surgery list, this has to move to #2.  
3. Hypoglycemia - Yeah, I'm not diabetic and it's hard to convince the doctor that this is what's happening to me, but the signs are all there.  It generally happens once a month (sometimes more) and I can't quite figure out why.  The episodes are short (less than 15 minutes usually) and can quickly be resolved by eating 5 lifesavers.... I don't know.  I just know it works.  It's a trick I learned by reading about helping kids who were having an episode.  The worst thing is that I literally sweat through all of my clothes.  Okay, that might not be the worst thing....  I also get very shaky and incoherent.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to start having seizures (I don't know what that feels like, but I feel very weird). 
4. I have nothing else really pressing, but I'd like to go back to #1 and 2.  I thought I would be strong enough to let the skin issues go, but I was wrong.  It is very hard on you mentally.  I can see all the health benefits, but I can actually SEE all the skin and sadly for me, most of the time that gets in the way of me being completely happy. (Sorry, I don't have many pictures that really show the extra skin... even if I did, I'm not sure I'd like to post them....)
   
   

Overall, losing 130 lbs is great, but it is important to know that there are some real struggles when it comes to the extra skin!  Hopefully one day I'll be able to afford the surgeries I want and hopefully they will help me feel more comfortable.  Until then, I need to keep on working towards my goal.  I'd still like to weigh 160....  My original 10 year goal was to weigh 140, but I'm not sure if I really want to weigh that amount anymore.... Right now, I'm just trying to get back down to 176.  

#NoMore

Honestly, I had forgotten about this blog.  It was in the back of my mind, but it wasn't something I was thinking I'd come back to.  I didn't think it mattered to anyone and it sure didn't seem to matter to me anymore.  Then, out of the blue, my sister sends me a picture of my blog with a comment asking if I was going to be adding to it again.  Sadly, the comment was from almost a year ago.  It made me realize that maybe the blog wasn't all about me.

So, last night, I sat down and wrote my welcome back blog.  As I was writing, I realized that my blog was therapeutic for me.  And, although I thought I didn't need it anymore, it felt good to write; very good!

And the ironic part is that I needed it yesterday!  I read back through my previous blogs and I can't find where I shared about some of the reasons I believe I hid behind my fat.  Mostly men and the guilt that I had when they approached me.  So, I'm going to write about it again.... sorry if you already heard these stories, but it's a big deal to me.

Men....  I don't understand how they can be so crude and yet not even realize there is a problem with what they are doing!  My father and grandpa's could never have prepared me for what men would say or do.  Nor can I ever imagine them saying those things to a woman.  Then, I married an amazing man and I can't imagine him saying anything like what I've heard men say about/to other women.  I will KILL my boys (okay, probably just disown them) if they ever talk like that.

Imagine a gangly 9 or 10 year old girl who was raised like a boy.  My father's friends (husband and wife) used to take us to church once in awhile; very nice people.  Then, one day, the man starts talking about how he wants me to pose in a swimming suit on his sports car.  I laughed it off.... I mean I was in the 4th or 5th grade.  It seemed weird at the time and I'm not sure why, but it was creepy and yet flattering at the same time.... all the while I thought the whole thing was a joke.  It happened on multiple occasions though.  Joke or not, it's f****** creepy!  Who says that about a little girl!  To this day, I cringe when I see a woman on a car!  I don't think my father or mother ever knew about it or maybe they did and that's why they stopped hanging out with them.  I don't really
know and I never really asked.  I just wanted to forget about it; I still do.

8th grade graduation

Fast-forward to my 8th grade year.  I was 13.  I often hung out with my older sister and her friends.  She was great about including me, especially since I was kind of a pain in her butt.  Most of her friends were like big brothers and would have never let anything bad happened to me, but there is always that one creep I suppose.  Football "star," attractive, and interested.  It seemed nice to get the attention at the time.

Our high school and junior high were in the same building.  The upper floor was for the high school and then the lower floor was split, 1/2 for 7th and 8th and 1/2 for 5th and 6th.  So, every day for lunch and PE, we would walk past the high schoolers sitting on the hallway floor.  This one boy would always grab me as I walked by and tell me how beautiful I was.  I think he was a junior at the time.  It was uncomfortable for me to get that much attention, but it also made me feel a little bit better about myself.

This behavior continued and when I started high school, it was even worse.  I owned this one black dress and it had a little spring to it.  Whenever I wore it and would walk by, he would pull it so it would fling up.  I'm sure everyone thought that's what I wanted, but I didn't.  I tried not to wear that dress except for on volleyball or basketball game days (I didn't own a lot of dresses).  He would corner me often too and tell me how beautiful or sexy I was.  It happened a lot of game days.... even in the gym.  Always with the touching.  He had a girlfriend at the time.  She just didn't go to our school.  Who know's if he did it to others.  I still feel creeped out when I think about him.

The following year, that boy had graduated and I was starting to gain a little confidence.  Then, one day while riding the bus home from some sporting event, another boy began to take over where the other boy left off.  This time, I was armed with more confidence and tried to shut him down quickly.  However, these boys are persistent and they think it's okay to touch you to get your attention.  This awkward relationship (him trying, me freaking out) continued until he graduated.  Over the summer, I saw him alone in the bar.  I confronted him about everything and asked why he was out without his wife.  He wasn't really in any condition to talk, but I am still mad at him for thinking it is okay to touch women without their permission.

Throughout high school I struggled because I never believed anyone could really find me attractive.  I was average at best.  I didn't really fit in with the popular crowd and I didn't really fit in with the nerdy group.  I was just in the middle and I tried to make everyone happy and be friends with everyone.  I didn't want to be a mean girl.  Many times, boys would ask me out and I would think they were joking.  I always turned them down because I thought it was all just a big joke to them.  I never saw the worth of myself.  I really only dated one boy and that was though peer pressure I thought.  I truly believed that I pressured him into dating me and then I won him over with my personality (that boy is my husband of almost 19 years).

There were other isolated incidents in high school where I felt uncomfortable or like I could be taken advantage of at any moment, but they were single events.  Never as persistent as the three people I focused on.  Still, nothing I would wish upon my daughters or anyone for that matter.

Source

10 years past graduation, I was 28, and had four children (the oldest one was 9, youngest was 3).  I was a stay at home mom and probably going through the toughest 5 years of my life (my weight was somewhere around 220).  Through no fault of my husband, I felt alone, ugly, fat, overwhelmed, and unwanted.  One day, I posted a survey on MySpace and someone from high school responded to it.  It was weird.  Then, out of the blue, they asked me to send them pictures of myself and like an idiot, I did.  Immediately regretting my decision, I told my husband shortly after.  He was devastated, I felt awful, I was a terrible wife and I had made him feel like an inadequate husband.  When really, my issues of self-worthlessness stemmed from inside me.  There was nothing he could have done differently to fix that.  It took a long time to repair what I had screwed up in a matter of seconds and one email.

As you can imagine, that was probably the biggest turning point for me.  That is where I really began to put on the weight.  I loved my husband more than anything.  I found him to be the most attractive man in the world.  And in literally seconds, I broke his trust.  I'd like to say that in the years following, I was better, but I wasn't.  I still had many days where I doubted his love for me.  It's really only been in the past two years where I haven't had a major jealousy outburst.  I think it has a lot to do with getting older and even more to do with communication.  We have learned to communicate better and talk more about what we need.  Additionally, I have a job and that keeps my mind busy.  I don't have as much time to sit around and think about him leaving me.

Fast-forward to yesterday.  The same man that asked me for pictures 10 years ago, starts talking to me again.  At first, I thought he just sent a mass message to everyone he knew, but I quickly realized it was just for me.  Then he asks if he can ask me a question.....  UH!  I've put all of this behind me for the most part and now all these feelings of anti-trust and the disappointment I caused my family came rushing back to me.  And I remember why I hid myself among all these layers of fat to begin with.



***I don't know why men act like that.  We are both happily married with children.  And yet, this past year we've heard about case after case of sexual harassment (mostly celebrities).  Every time, I think about why the girls didn't come forward sooner.... then I think would I?  Would I have let them do that to me?  Would I have been able to say no?  I would love to think that I would be strong enough to tell them that they are an idiot, but I don't know that I am.  Is it something about my people-pleasing personality that doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings?  Is that what would keep me from saying no?  And dear Lord, I hope to hell my daughters could tell these men to F*** off!  Why do we have to feel like it is our fault for being approached?  Why do I feel guilty and why do I let people make me feel this way?  Andy why do we feel like we are the only ones?

Sometimes Life Gets in The Way

Boy, I guess I've been gone for over a year!  I can't believe it has been that long!  I can't for the life of me remember why I stopped writing, but there does seem to be a relationship to the time of the year and the turn of our Country against itself.  I remember last November was incredibly tough for me.  The election seemed to turn friends and families against each other and that was all just too much for me.  I'm a sensitive person.... a little too sensitive and it's hard for me when people argue and fight.  

So, naturally, all that drama was way too much for me.  To cope, I put up my fake Christmas tree the second weekend of November.  Then, convinced my husband to buy me a second fake Christmas tree and put it up shortly after.... both themed of course.  Then, finally, during the first weekend of December, we put our real tree.  We had family over for Christmas and that helped a bit, but then the New Year came and the realization that my daughter would be moving out soon set in. 

It was January, my 17 year-old had applied to multiple college and been accepted or waitlisted to all but one.  It hurt, it hurt every day!  I couldn't imagine how I would live without her.  The last few months before graduation were the worst.  I could barely do my job because I was so stressed.  Most days I came home and set on the couch for my lunch.  Alone and sad.  It was bad.  

Quick update on what you've missed:  I'm addicted to Coke again (the cola kind), I eat candy daily (pretty much), I found Snapchat (also addicted to that), I'm trying to love my body the way it is (more posts on this coming soon), I recorded very few meals in the past year, we sent my daughter to France (with help from MANY people), my daughter moved to Arizona (I miss her like crazy, but I'm surviving and more importantly, so is she), and I'm happy.  

Really, stress is so hard on me, I can't even explain what it does to my brain.  It makes me feel like I have dementia which freaks me out even more because we lost our grandma to dementia.  Stress makes me very forgetful, impatient, my heart race, and completely exhausted!  It's not good!  

So, excuses, excuses, excuses.... Point is, last year was tough for me for many reasons.... more than I can even remember I'm sure, but I'm back.  I hope to keep coming back, to catch everyone up, and finally write about the last hike I took with my children before I go on it again!  

Happy New Year's everyone!    

**My resolution:  Record my food 4 days a week.