Skin - Part 2 - There will be extra!

Skin.... did I mention the extra skin!  Oh yeah!  I did!  It was a really long post about the cons of weight loss....

Well, I'm going to write about it again because I think it's a evil trick.  I mean, who lets someone lose 130 lbs (116 currently) and then says oh yeah and as a reminder for all the overeating you did in the past, you will now live forever with the weight and undesirable characteristics of excess skin!  Congratulations!  Oh, and don't forget how it will pull and tug at you causing your skin to tear and become sore -- ya know, just as a reminder of your gluttonous habits.  

It's no surprise that when you lose weight there will be extra skin.... you can read about it anywhere.  Of course, the less weight you have to lose, the less excess skin you'll have to carry.  Still, nothing can quite prepare you for the mental battle that this extra skin can cause - I'm going to post pictures so be prepared.... 

It seems as though every time I look in the mirror (without clothes), I'm pinching, pushing, pulling, or tucking at my extra skin.  "If I could just have this removed" or "When I get this removed."  I probably say those two statements at least 5 times a week to my hubby (okay, it's probably more).  

I say to myself, "If I could just have this apron removed from my waist," then I

pull the skin down and to the sides to smooth out my stretch marks.  It looks pretty good.  I can even see my hip bones (yep, I actually have those).  But then, something happens.  While my mid-line is looking a little more human like, I notice the skin on my thighs is sagging something awful.  My saddlebags are nearly folded over and the skin between my thighs appears to have creases as well - fold lines if you will.

Apron.... Zoomed

Then, I am saddened by the realization that no matter how much I think one surgery will help, there will always be something wrong with me.  There will always be that one spot that needs attention.  "Just a little off the sides, a lift here, plump these up...."  

It's gross, it's nasty, it messes with my self image and my confidence.  It keeps me from wearing the dresses I really like or short sleeve shirts.  And you can forget about shorts.  

And while all this extra skin is nasty, my attitude about myself as a human is nastier.  Why is it okay to demean myself so much because of the excess skin that hangs from my body?  I wonder just how shallow of a person I really am? 

I know that if given the ability to have skin removal surgery when I reach my goal weight, I'd do it.  And I also know with everything I have "fixed" I will simply find something else to find fault in.  It's how I work.  I don't think I'll ever just be content in my own skin --- pun intended.  ;)

Anemia - Killer of Energy and All Things Requiring Brain Power

I'm tired.  Very tired, all the time.  I feel like I should be sleeping for the rest of time.  I really can't think of anything that sounds better.  My eye lids feel heavy, my brain feels weak, and my body feels lifeless....  

I've had anemia for as long as I can remember.  My doctor has been telling me my iron is low for as long as I can remember and yet, they never do anything about it.  For two years, I listened to my doctor saying, "You might need an infusion," then the next time I see her saying, "We need to do something about your iron.  We should look into other forms of iron pills."  Last November, I finally called my insurance to see if infusions were covered and they were.  So, the next time I went in I told her it was covered and immediately, she ordered the infusion.  

In December, I had my one and only infusion.  It was wonderful!  For the first week afterwards, I felt a little tired, but then I felt great for about a month.  It was so crazy to feel like I could think and be human again.  It also helped with my ADHD..... which makes me wonder, how many people with ADHD are also iron deficient?  

When I had my blood checked two months later (for some reason she never checked it right afterwards), it was still okay.  While my one result was low, my other one was in the "normal" range, but low normal.  Of course, after all these years, I still don't know what's low and what that means.  All I know is my body has a hard time absorbing iron.  

I'm supposed to have it tested again in May, but I think I'm going to test it next week.  I'm secretly hoping it's low enough for another infusion because I feel so awful right now.  

My friend says I need to have a hysterectomy.... that seemed to help her friend who also had the same symptoms and issues I've had.  I'm scared to do that, but she talks about how much energy her friend has now and how she didn't realize how much better she could feel.   So, that might be something I have to look into more seriously.  

I have read though that anemia can cause weight gain because when you're tired, you try to compensate by eating....  Hmmmm.  

Will I always have to do this?

It's a funny thing weighing your food and counting calories.  I mean it's inconceivable for me to think that there are other people out there that weigh their food and record it for every meal.  I guess it's that kind of cockiness that has gotten me to where I am today.  It's almost like if I don't believe anyone else could be recording their food then it must not be happening and if skinny people everywhere aren't weighing and recording their food then why should I have to?  

A month or so ago, I reread one of my journal entries from 2005; I wrote, "Will I always have to write down everything I eat.  Will this be something I have to do for the rest of my life?"  Every time I started a new diet, I started a new journal.... I have all these journal entries that start with me being excited and ready to lose weight and then after just a few entries, they stop.  No real signs of success and definitely no sign of persistence. 

I laughed when I read that entry.  I stumbled upon it at the perfect moment.  A moment when I was down, hadn't been recording my food, and was wondering why I had to record my food when other people didn't... of course, I have no idea if other people have to record their food.  Yet, at that moment in time, I felt like the stress from life was too much to handle adding the commitment of weighing and recording food.  Stress is something that often stops me from doing the things that are best for me.  It's another element of my anxiety.   

My hubby did start making us portioned lunches, healthy and weighed for the entire week.  I loved having these meals pre-made and they tasted great.  Like all things hard, we weren't great about keeping that going consistently and besides eating just my pre-made lunch, I was supplementing heavily with candy.  Something I LOVE.... I think I've mentioned that before.  

It's easy to think you're eating healthy because you do one or two things correctly and it's also easy to eat poorly because you think you're eating healthy.  I guess for people who eat healthy all the time or 90% of the time, they may not need to record their food.  I am not one of those people who eats healthy all the time.  I like to eat healthy, but I also love hamburgers and pizza and Chinese food and candy.... ya know all the really bad stuff.  So for me, I probably will have to record my food for the rest of my life and I'm going to have to learn to stop worrying if it's something that everyone else has to do or not.  It's clearly something I need to do.  I know it works for me and that should be reason enough.  

So for now, I need to get back on the wagon.  Those 18 pounds I've gained since December aren't going to lose themselves. 

Crippled by Anxiety

Wow!  As always, I'm amazed when I look back and see how long it has been since I last blogged.  Three months is way too long.  I know this because I've been telling myself to blog for weeks... maybe even months. 

This has been a rough three months.  I have gained 18 pounds since Christmas and with every single pound I gain, my anxiety is magnified.  It's amazing what stress does to your mind and your body.  I wish that I could say that it will all be okay, but I don't feel like that's true.  Every pound gets me one step closer to that 200 lb mark and if I cross that, I think I will feel like a complete failure all over again.  

It's interesting how you can trick yourself into believing that you are confident....  I do it all the time.  Mostly, I'm trying to convince everyone around me that I'm all good.  In reality, I'm a mess.... I've always been a mess.  I know I've mentioned before that I can't handle making simple phone calls to take care of things, such as paying bills.  It's not just making phone calls to people I don't know.  I can't make phone calls to people I do know either.  

Most of my days are a war against me and my brain.  One second I've convinced myself I'm confident, I look amazing, and I can do anything.  The next, I'm breaking inside because I'm bad at everything.... I'm a terrible mom, an awful wife, an inconsiderate sister, a lousy daughter, a cruddy granddaughter, an undeserving friend.... 

More seconds are spent in the demeaning section of my brain than in the confident part of my brain.  I wish this wasn't the case.  I do notice that the level of stress with which I am faced with drastically effects my ability to think positively.  I wonder how other people live life with stress.  I know everyone has it, but why is it so crippling for me?  Why do I try to self-destruct when faced with stress?  How do I change it?  And WHY on earth does food have to be my go to?  For goodness sake, why couldn't it have been running?