The Unseen Risks of Being Obese

As I was laying in bed this morning, I remembered my CPAP machine lying on the floor next to me.... I haven't used the machine in months.  I really should go through another sleep study and see if I still have sleep apnea.  

In April of 2015, my doctor had me tested for sleep apnea and I thought it was ridiculous.  I felt fine, I slept fine, and a barely snored (my husband would agree).  Although, shortly after the sleep study, I was told I had sleep apnea and would need a CPAP machine to help me sleep at night.  I was certain they were wrong.  After some research to learn about CPAP and sleep apnea, then finally getting a machine in August, I still couldn't believe it was true.  Still, at the risk of causing my life to be any shorter, I used the CPAP daily and slowly worked up to keeping it on through the night.  It was embarrassing to use and I usually buried my head under the covers so that my husband wouldn't see me with it on.    

Thinking back, I remember laying on my side as I always did to sleep and having so much fat pushed up around my throat area that I couldn't breath as well as I had thought.  It wasn't until I actually had the CPAP machine that I realized this was an issue, but it didn't take long for me to see how much I loved having a clear airway.  It's amazing what you live with and don't realize it's a problem until someone brings it to your attention.  I wonder how many people are cutting years off of their life because they stop breathing through the night due to their airway closing.  

Since losing the first 50 pounds, I quit using my CPAP machine.  I guess I didn't feel like I needed it anymore.  The image below makes me think I should probably be wearing it every night. 

https://www.reddit.com

This picture (real or not), is one of the things that got me started on a healthier path.  I saw it somewhere and thought, I don't weigh 250 lbs, I weigh over 300....can you imagine what the scan would look like then?  I find it sad and disgusting to see the stomach so bloated and the poor bones trying to support such a large frame.  It was one of those things that made me realize, whether I saw myself as obese or not, my body was fully aware and suffering the consequences.

It seems like I was given 20 years to figure out that I was overweight and I couldn't see it.  I still viewed myself as skinny.  Now as I lose weight and things become so much easier, I still see myself as the same 'skinny' person I've always been, but I realize how distorted my reality was and worry that just because I've lost some weight I'll be satisfied with myself enough to stop the healthy trends regardless of how much more weight I need to lose to actually be healthy.  Writing blogs like this one that remind me of the actual health concerns with being overweight is helpful and I hope it will continue to keep me on the track to success.  It's easy to get caught up in the success and let it all go.  I need to keep pushing forward and see the potential ahead.  

Why I Weigh Daily

My goal for the magical month of July is to write one blog post every day.  So, although it seems like a lot right now, I'll definitely be slowing down after this month.

The bad thing about writing everyday is that I can't choose to write on days where my mood is positive.  So, instead, you're getting the full range of emotions and let me tell you (in case you hadn't noticed), I'm an emotionally girl!  The added stress of trying not to shove food in my face every time I'm feeling anxious or upset doesn't seem to help with my mood swings.  Also, looking at the scale daily doesn't really help that either.  

Despite my uneasiness with the scale, I weigh daily (if at all possible).  I find that weighing daily actually helps with my anxiety.  I've read a little (okay, one or two articles) about how weighing daily effects your mind and they suggest doing what works for you.... So, this works for me.  Weighing daily sets the tone for my day and it reminds me that I'm trying to live a healthier lifestyle.  If the number is lower, then I'm pumped and want to stay on track.  If the number is higher, then I know I need to try harder today.  The important thing for me to remember is not to get hung-up on what the scale reads on any particular day.  I've been getting better at this over the past year.  It's important for me to know what it says, but that doesn't mean it needs to ruin your day/week (although sometimes it still does).  I record my weight once a week and when I started out, I only recorded my weight if it was lower than the week before, but over the past couple months, I've recorded it no matter what.  I think it has helped me to see that there are going to be little bumps and it's okay.  One of the hardest things for me though, is an increase in my weight after a day of working out and being really active.  It seems like that happens more often than not.  It does seem like I lose more on my rest days that follow workout days though.  Something I should probably be tracking, but I think people should track what they can and add more when/if they can.   

Most importantly, I have my hubby!  On days where I don't easily brush off the higher number on the scale, he's there to remind me that it will be better tomorrow (or eventually).  Sometimes his positivity drives me crazy, but he's usually right....  

Tip #4 - Use the scale anyway you'd like, but don't let it ruin your day.  It's supposed to be there to guide you, not to make you feel like crap!

Grandma Sharron

Grandma and Me - Graduation 1998

Death is strange.  I wonder why certain people are chosen?  It always shocks me when someone healthy dies of a disease or cancer or some "natural" cause.  These are people who have taken care of their bodies, exercise often, fuel themselves with healthy foods....  Why them and not someone like me?  

For someone who is already a procrastinator (me), I find it very unmotivating when someone seemingly healthy dies or develops health complications.  In fact, I actually regress a little.  If the goal of becoming healthy is to live a longer better life, then why doesn't that necessarily happen?  I worry that by getting healthier I will actually be changing my body so much that it will start to fail me -- strange, I know!

Grandma With My Two Oldest Daughters

About six and a half years ago, my grandma died.  She was overweight for as long as I knew her, but she didn't start out that way.  We had a similar weight path I think.  It seemed like she was on a diet quite often and there were a couple diets that almost killed (as I remember it).  My grandma didn't die from being over weight, she died from starvation caused by Dementia.  Before the onset of her Dementia, she was in a car accident and then her medical issues began to pile up.  During the last few months, she was convinced that the hospital staff was trying to poison her and she had stopped eating. Dementia is a horrible disease.  I dream of the day there is a cure!  

What I don't understand is what causes it's sudden onset?  I wonder if my grandmother's weight had an effect on the start of the disease.  It's something that has bothered me for years.  I gained quite a bit of weight after my grandma's death and yet, her death made me wonder about my food choices and life expectancy if I continued on that way.  Still, it was years later before I finally hit my low and started this whole process.  

And now, as the weight is starting to come off and I'm down nearly 85 pounds, I worry about the negative effects the weight-loss might have on me.  I'm sure the positive are much greater than the negative, but nonetheless, I worry!  Truthfully, all the anxiety, stress, and worry I place on everything will probably kill me long before the weight or lack thereof.  

Katie

Yesterday, my 1st grade teacher as well as a member of my extended family died from cancer.  She was an active person and lived a healthy life.  About a month ago, her children created an online group for people to send words of encouragement.  I never really knew what to say so I never said anything.  Ironically, yesterday morning I thought, 'I better write something too her before it's too late.'  Later that afternoon they announced her passing.  It's amazing how quickly a life can be taken.  She was surrounded by loved ones and will be greatly missed, but I'm certain she is no longer living in pain.  

I know it's been said a million times, but PLEASE let people know how you feel about them before it's too late.

Anxiety Drives This Bus

I'm starting this post with tears rolling down my cheeks.  I hope to finish it without them!  

As a few of my previous posts have mentioned, I suffer from anxiety.  In my case (and maybe other's), my anxiety tends to build and one thing making me anxious will lead to anxiety about another thing related or unrelated.  These things will haunt me for days or weeks.  I lose sleep and feel exhausted even when I do get sleep.  I have heart palpitations which only worsen my anxiety.  And although I know there is no real reason to be anxious, I can't control it.  

My current anxieties started from a need to contact my bank over a bank error.  This seems simple enough and yet it's taken me five days to contact them.  Finally this morning, I found enough courage to contact them and the next available representative wouldn't be ready for 56 minutes.....  Of course, this heightened my anxiety and my heart began to beat harder and tears began to roll.  It's very frustrating when you finally face your fears (at a time that is most convenient for you) and they aren't ready to be faced.  I don't know why this time it was hard for me to call the bank.  Sometimes, calling someone isn't a big deal at all, but this time it was.  And when they finally called back they weren't even willing to admit to their own mistakes.  This is something that I should be able to let go, but I can't.  It will stay with me for at least the rest of the day and if I'm lucky, it will end there.  This is why I put this off for so long.  I knew I couldn't handle it and I didn't want to be a withdrawn mother/wife because of a stupid phone conversation with someone who doesn't give a crap what happens in our lives.

Of course to add to my anxiety, I had family coming over for the 4th of July.  Which was great, but I worry about what people think, if we will have enough food and something everyone will eat, and if people will have a good time.  My need to please everyone causes a major amount of anxiety for me, but I also know that leaving my house and attending someone else's get together causes a lot of anxiety.  So, there is not really a good way out of this one.  Now that it's over, it all seemed to go fine. 

Next, my oldest daughter celebrated her 17th birthday yesterday.  I'm never good at birthdays.  I know that I didn't get my children a gift that they will be extremely thrilled about, I can't plan ahead enough to think about a cake, and forget about having a real party with friends.  There have been very few birthdays where my children actually had a "party" like their friends have.  I just can't do it.  The parties that did happen were successful only because I had help from my husband or sister(s).  It's nearly impossible for me to plan a birthday party and I have no idea why.  It makes me feel sad to know that out of 17 birthdays, my daughter probably only had 3 parties and one of those was her 1st birthday.  It makes me even more sad to realize that my other children had less than that.  So, I had the anxiety of providing my daughter with a crappy birthday and also anxiety because my daughter is 17 and I know I really only have one more year with her living at home.  This is a topic I try to avoid because the pain is too real to face.  Ignoring it is the only way I have to deal with it.

Ignorance/avoidance is really the only coping mechanism I have for many things.  So, for 5 days I ignored the bank issue and for 17 years I've avoided (or tried) thinking about my daughter leaving home.  And, for nearly 20 years I ignored the fact that I was obese and continuing to gain weight.  I don't know how to fix this!  I do know that I'm so overly paranoid that I will gain it back or stop losing that I weigh daily (only once a day though) and get quite anxious when I only lose one or two pounds in a two or three week stretch.  This is currently happening and something else that has been added to my already full plate of anxiety.  

Sometimes, I can get help with things on my "plate," but other things I need to deal with myself.  There is no one to help me with them and there is no way for people to help if they wanted too.  It's when my plate is too full or seems too full that I am at my lowest.  I can't think about planning vacations or planning anything that is more than a day in advance.  When people try to talk to me about making plans or something they have going on, I tend to shut down.  I don't mean to do it, but I can't help it.  It's just too much, I can feel my blood pressure rising and my heart beats harder and faster and then, my anxiety rises -- sometimes to the point of having a panic attack.  

For days, I've been on the verge of a panic attack.  People think they are talking to me about reasonable things (and they are).  Trying to plan fun events and activities or talk about something going on in their lives.  They can't see that on the inside, I am freaking out!  If only they could read my mind or see when I was being affected by this illness.  I fear saying this will cause people to not talk to me about anything and that is not good either.  The majority of the time, I am fine, but when I'm not fine, I'm really not fine and I hope people understand why I provide so little input/feedback.  I'm not being insensitive, I'm just mentally unable to comprehend all that is going on in my life.  When it gets this bad, I can really only see three options to sooth my pain:  sleep all day, take a blue pill (prescribed), or EAT.  Usually, I choose to eat...... 

Dressing Room Anxiety

5/20/16

Yes, my pants are falling off.  :)  Pants that were once too tight to tie my shoes in are now falling off... well they have been for a few months.  Last month I had to buy all new pants.  Shopping is an emotional experience.  On one hand, if feels amazing to be buying new clothes, on the other hand, it sucks that I don't know what size I am..... and every brand seems to be so different.  It's strange and I find myself headed toward the plus size section of the store even though I can fit in the ladies clothing (larger sizes of course).  I just feel comfortable in the plus size section of the store.  I know (or used to know) that I'm a size 2x or 3x in shirts and 22 or 24 in pants.  It's easy for me to shop there and I usually don't have to try anything on because I already know my size.

First Pair of Jeans 5/20/16

Now, I don't know my size and I'm forced to enter the dressing room and try on new things.  Sometimes they fit, most of the time they don't.  It's tricky and dressing rooms have never been a very fun place for me.  Still, my first experience shopping for jeans wasn't too bad.  I tried on about 12 pairs (I don't know, but it felt like 12) and only 2 fit, but it was a start.  I left the store with a pair of 18's and a pair of 16's....WHAT?!  16's?  I don't even
remember ever wearing that size.  To be fair, I only really remember being a size 8/9, then a size 18, and finally a size 22/24.  I don't know what happened between 8/9 and size 18.  I must have lived in sweats???  Not sure.


More recently, my shopping experience was a little more positive and I was able to fit almost all of the clothes I tried on.  That doesn't mean I liked all of them, but it was nice to have an idea of what size I was.... I stuck to size 18 as I think those size 16's were a fluke, but who knows.

I'm not scared to try things on now.  I still don't like the dressing room, but I'm okay with trying things on just to see if they fit.  A couple weeks ago we walked through Cabela's and I picked up a size Large coat and tried it on.  I've been able to wear Large T-shirts since March (they're stretchy), but I was extremely surprised and overwhelmed with joy when I tried on the size Large coat and it actually fit. I didn't cry, but the smile on my face must have been priceless.  I also don't remember a time when I wore size large.  To be fair, I don't remember my shirt size really.  I've been an XL for a long time until about Sept. of 2014 when I started to buy size XXL.  So, size large seems so tiny to me.

"Normal" Boots 7/1/16

BOOTS!  Oh, boots!  Well, since this whole thing started with boots, it shouldn't be any surprise that I've been waiting to see if I could buy normal sized boots off the shelf.  Last week my son and I went to Goodwill and I bought 3 pairs of normal sized boots because they all fit my calves.  I also bought three pairs of jeans (not from the plus section).  It's nice to have a wider variety of clothing options.  Excited to go down a couple more sizes so that the selection options improve even more!

Trying on Clothes 6/20/16

Why is shopping so hard for me?  Is it like this for everyone?  I get very anxious as I'm holding clothes and attempting to enter the dressing room.  I'd much rather buy them and take them home to see if they fit or not.  Sometimes it takes me awhile to get into the dressing room with the clothes while other times, I don't even go in.  I usually tell my husband that I'm not ready for this.  Shouldn't buying smaller clothes be fun and exciting?  For now, I'll keep pushing myself to go to the store and try on things (good or bad).

Have you lost a lot of weight?

Well, it took months, but people started noticing my weight loss!  Also, my pants started to fall off.  It's weird how you can go months without people saying anything and then all of a sudden, everyone is asking if you've lost weight.  Maybe this happens faster for different people, but it has taken me about 10 months for people to realize.  It was really only in this last month that people started asking me.  And I always tell them yes and how much weight I've lost and let them know I'm working on it.  

You'd think I'd love people seeing the results of my hard work, but ironically, I don't.  I really hate it when people tell me they didn't recognize me or that I look so different.  To me, I look the same -- part of being secretly obese I presume.  So as you can imagine it's hard when someone says you look different.  That's insinuating that I actually did look different than the image I have of myself in my head.  Now, don't get my wrong, looking through pictures I can clearly see a difference, but that's in a pictures....We're talking about real life!  

Senior Year

What I've discovered is that this fear of people commenting on my body or how good I look (their words, not mine) may be one of the largest reasons I gained so much weight over the past 15 years (or maybe even 20 years).  You see, when I was in 8th grade, I started getting noticed by boys.  There was this one high school boy that would touch my leg or my back and then have some comment about how good I looked whenever I was around him.  I didn't like it, but I didn't stop it.  I didn't know how to and I definitely wasn't going to say anything to my dad.  It was fine then because I was single, but when I started dating my now husband, it was confusing and hard for me to know what to say to people who made comments or looked at me a little too long.  Even after being married for 6 years I had someone ask me to send them photos.  I was heavier then, but not anywhere near my max.  How do you talk to people about these things?  I know I'm not beauty queen or anywhere near that, but for some reason, some people do stare a little too long.  Maybe I've just got something on my face (who knows!), but whatever the reason, it makes me uncomfortable.  Just writing about it makes me sick.  

When I was single (which wasn't for very long), it was okay for men/boys to react that way.  I might not have liked it, but it didn't affect anyone else.  However, when I started dating and got married, it did impact someone else.  During my younger years, I didn't handle all of these situations in the best way I could have.  So, I think as a defense mechanism, I started gaining weight....without realizing what I was doing.  The heavier you are the less people notice you (at least in a positive way). 

I know, I haven't been raped or abused or have any of those other excuses for gaining weight to hide, but I do believe that anxiety and fear of doing something stupid is enough of a reason to gain weight and disappear.  This may have been what started my weight gain anyway.  I don't know what kept it going.  

I do know this, every time someone calls me skinny (except family) or tells me how good I look, I feel anxious and I pray they will forget they are talking to me and move on quickly.  I don't know how to properly respond to these people.  I want to dress in clothes that fit and make me look on the outside how I feel on the inside, but I don't want people to look at me.  

I remember this woman at the store telling me once that I was an attention seeker.  It shocked me.  I was just shopping with my 4 kids.  I didn't know her and she sure as hell didn't know me.  I don't know why she said it, but I thought if you only knew how much work it took for me to get out the front door this morning and face people....  

And here I sit conflicted again.  I want so badly to look like I did in the picture above, but I am scared to death of what that might mean for my relationship/life.